I have been a bit quiet of late. The reason for this is I had a psychosis two weeks ago and was taken into care. I am now back home safe and sound, and still happy I am on the right path to living a full and happy life.
I am in fact grateful this happened as this is exactly what I suffered from last time I had stopped drinking completely, back in Canada two years ago, these episodes were what got me interested in Mental Illness.
I will probably talk a bit more about my psychosis and Mental Illness in general, now I have had two weeks living among peers who suffered from various mental health issues.
I have learned so much during that time, my head could be spinning if I hadn’t learnt to keep my thoughts under control, helped by an anti-psychotic medication, Olanzapine, albeit I am taking a really low dosage to help me sleep and slow down my thoughts.
I will post here the entry I wrote on Facebook to explain what had happened. Various people knew I was in hospital but not many knew why. I wanted to explain, from the safety of Facebook, exactly what happened to me, especially to work colleagues so they know before I return to work, probably in about two weeks time.
Writing this entry was a leap of faith for me, due to the Stigma attached to mental illness, however, I believe openness and honesty are the only way to break the barriers down. The responses I received proved me right:
I guess I’d better explain what happened to me a couple of weeks ago, as most of you will know I have been in hospital but not the reason why.
In short, I suffered from what people might call a Psychosis. For 48 hours, I wasn’t myself, at all.
Two weeks ago, on a Tuesday, as I woke up, something didn’t feel quite right and I had a weird experience…erm..blushing smiley… I thought I had a deep connection with “God” all of the sudden (I had been agnostic verging on the atheist all my life) and that I could stop time.
Luckily, for me anyway, I was at a neighbour’s house soon after and someone called for help.
During this psychosis, a lot of emotions surfaced, such as corruption within the Police force (long story, going back to something that happened in Canada) and also (organised) religion, which I am all in all fervently against.
It took a few Police officers to restrain me and secure me so I could be taken to a hospital in Bury, where I spend 24 hours in confinement.
I remember everything that happened, however I had no control over my actions/words. I remember feeling extremely angry too, poor cops received a mouthful!! I also remember having a strength I had never known before, it took a few of them to restrain and secure me, and I even managed to loosen a handcuff by the cheer force of my wrist (I was pretty surprised my wrist weren’t that bruised the following days!).
After the 24 hours in confinement, I felt back to my old self and I am now trying to figure out how this happened so it doesn’t happen again. I do know lack of sleep plays an important part of Psychosis, as well as repressed emotions.
I can see several reasons that brought me to that point:
– inability to deal with the betrayal I felt I suffered when my husband left me two years ago and started seeing my best friend, although I am now absolutely fine with both of them
– the loss of my dog Frodo, which I feel responsible for
– loss of friends due to my newly found need to be honest these days
– a course I attended at work which gave me hope that my company might actually have got the right message these days that people matter more than processes, making me feel really excited that things can change for the better there.
My life had been going good too since I became sober and I started a few too many projects with my newly found enthusiasm for life.
Work had also been quite busy too for the past month and so I was in constant state of “excitement” and began to sleep less and less.
I had experienced something very similar in Canada after my husband left me, except there, I had no-one looking after me. Luckily though I called the cops myself that time.
So, I am now feeling completely back to “normal” – I still am very different to what I used to be like when using alcohol and repressing my emotions – and looking at ways to channel my newly found energy, learning to take it easier (not quite there yet judging by the amount of stuff I have accomplished this weekend!) and also learning to live with being honest, as I used to be a people pleaser and honesty sometimes loses you friends.
I’m not ashamed of what happened to me as, believe me, under the “right” circumstances, this could happen to anyone.
I am also extremely grateful to have discovered really good friends through all this, people who have really been there for me, by talking to me about it or carrying on their business as usual which is also a great help!
My family has been great too, by being there when I have needed them and not freaking out.
My boss at work has been really understanding too, I feel lucky to have had that pressure off whilst concentrating on this new me.
I have also learnt a lot about mental illness during my stay at the hospital, and people. I will invest more time in my findings sometime in the future because I would love for my experience/thoughts to help this “Time To Change” campaign that is running at the moment.
I hope this won’t change the way you see me or how you behave towards me. As, apart from me seeing life from a different angle now (and really appreciating it), and this need to be honest, I haven’t changed at all, some might say I am just a little bit wiser these days and I personally can say I am much happier:-)
If you have any questions or want to know more about what happened, please let me know as I’m more than happy to talk about it. I’d much rather you ask me direct rather than speak about it behind my back, but hey, whatever works for you 😉