I have mentioned in a post recently that I had been a bit quiet on here and that was because I was doing some part of my journey in silence. This doesn’t mean my life has come to a halt. On the contrary.
I have been spending time getting involved in all sorts whilst on this self discovery mission.
Doing my bit: animal rescue
I have found the perfect place for me to volunteer to help with animal welfare: an animal sanctuary not too far from home which hosts a wide variety of animals that have needed rescuing, nearly all kind you will find in the UK. They welcome volunteers but do not rely on them, so the perfect place for me who is currently unable to commit regular time due to the way my life is going. I will be going there for the first time Sunday, after I did my health and safety induction last Sunday. Really looking forward to this, I will do whatever they need help with/I feel comfortable doing, perfect 🙂
I have also started Ceroc, modern Jive, lessons. I have always had a dream of learning Jive, I love the energy of the dance, and rhythm of it. I found they run some classes in the small town I live in and, thanks for a Groupon deal, I have enrolled myself for 10 classes extremely cheap. I had my first lesson last Wednesday and felt on quite a high after. I can see that my need for personal space will be a bit of a problem as some of the moves requires you to get quite close to your dancing partner, usually a perfect stranger as ladies are rotated, but it’s a thing I need to work on.
I have found a ex actor in town who runs classes on Public Speaking. Something I have wanted to do for a very long time. As confident as I am with people I feel happy with, I completely lack confidence in front of other people. A lot of it has to do with the low self esteem issue I had been carried around with me, which, to some extent, I am still working on, and public speaking has always stopped me from doing some things I have wanted to do in the past. I am still awaiting to hear the details, but I am so excited that I might finally conquer one of my biggest fears 🙂
Connecting to what matters/people
I help a 12 year old with her French, the daughter of a FB friend of mine weekly, it gives me the opportunity to get close to innocence, which is what I see in children. Although I loath teaching french, I love spending time with her, and helping her feel more confident about french, it is one of those things that makes me feel real good doing. And as I am doing it for free, in exchange for help from her father should I need some, it is quite flexible and I don’t feel I have to go if I am not in the right mood but I always make sure I go once a week as I do not want to let her down.
I attend my floatation sessions twice a week now, I have decided to reduce it from three times to twice as it was taking too much of my spare time. I love going there, absolutely. It is my meditation time. I find it hard to meditate any other ways, in fact, I have given up trying, apart from music. But put me in a floatation tank and off I go..I am loving it. I have never meditated in my life and so had no clue what it did to you. Last Saturday my session was amazing, I absolutely needed it as I had an upset in the morning when I found out I couldn’t send some of my dog’s ashes to my husband via mail as Canada, where he lives, considered them prohibited items. I got so mad at Canada and everything it had taken away from me driving to the floatation center and within minutes of floating, it all went away and I was able to find balance in my thoughts again. Amazing the effect of meditation! Although from what I hear, the way I meditate is very different to others. People try to empty their mind, whereas I focus on thoughts as they come and let them go until eventually my mind is silent, usually a few minutes before the session is over. It works well for me though.
Doing my bit for mental health
I am getting involved at work in a group called the “disability and wellbeing network group”. This came about after I had enquired on how my experience with mental illness could benefit the company after I saw they had pledged on the Time To Change website that they will do their bit to help talk about mental illness. I am quite excited about this, as it seems the best conduit for my experience to help staff who may be experiencing issues and unable to talk about it to anyone at work because of the Stigma that exists. I have a lunch meeting with one of the organisers of the group this coming week to prepare myself for the big meeting in December. I cannot believe how lucky I am to be in a position to possibly help people at work.
Work has been high on the agenda too in the last few weeks. I realise now that part of my “Psychosis” had a lot to do with work. I love my job, however the politics there were soul destroying and not too long ago, I started to think I should leave and look for something else. Luckily, there has been a bit turnaround there when the right people spoke to me at the right time and gave me hope that things will improve 🙂 – it’s a work in progress but I feel confident that positive change will happen and this company has the potential to become one of the best in the country to work for. They are also re-branding in the coming week….their new colour? Purple, my favourite 🙂 their new ethos? People 🙂
I am still working on issues with my family and that is a very slow and at times painful process.
I am having chats via emails with my dad about issues that are still close to my heart and painful and hope one day to be comfortable with him. It is a long process as, as much as my dad and I can talk deep, he doesn’t seem to want to take responsibility for his past actions and cannot say simple words like…..sorry.
I am still working on my mum too, although this is a harder nut to crack as she has been badly hurt and damaged by life. But….I just had a conversation with her that turned a bit sour when she couldn’t understand why I would want to send Frodo’s ashes to my husband and the end was actually quite comforting. She said, “anyway don’t worry about what I told you, you can ignore it, all you need to know is I love you”.
My brother is also going through a bit of an upheaval at the moment, having told his wife he wanted to separate. Things had been going wrong with them for some time, in fact around the same time my husband and I separated, he announced that him and his wife were now sleeping in different rooms. So it’s been a while coming really. I had a long chat with him before he told his wife and I couldn’t believe how decent he was being for a man. Oooh sexist I hear you say but I have come across so many messed up men in the past few weeks that I had started to despair that all men may be too messed up to bother with these days. But not my brother I am pleased to say, despite the fact that he, out of all men, could be really hardened (something to do with his disability too). He gave me so much hope when I was listening to his plans and how he would make sure she was alright and had somewhere to live, no matter what happens. I love my brother so much….he is such an inspiration 🙂
As for the men in my life, well, I have made peace with all of them in my heart. They haven’t necessarily made peace with me though, but there’s nothing I can do about it and I have learned to let go. My husband and I are fine. His father died two weeks ago and we had a nice little exchange. It was a tough time to be honest, but I was able to give him the support he might have needed from me. He has disappeared again since and that’s fine with me. He needs to move on and live with the decisions he has made and I am doing the same.
I am still having trouble dealing with the betrayal of my best friend for being with him but again I am happy to live with it now. What I can’t get my head around is how a woman, who is supposed to understand matters of the heart, could do something like this and be happy with herself. But, I have to remind myself she is a tortured soul herself, having been badly abused as a child/teenager. So her sense of moral is skewed and her desire to find happiness, in this case with my husband, might have clouded her judgement. So I am not so hard on her. Nor me. It helps.
I have discovered I am becoming quite a loner these days. And loving it. I get all the people contact I need in my line of work, and I love it, however in my personal life, I am feeling more and more disconnected from people, apart from a few special friends, some online and one in real life.
I went out to a Bob Marley Tribute band concert last night and became an observer. My friends wanted to chat with me but I would shut them off., saying I couldn’t hear them. I was happy to just sit and observe people. I think I will be doing more of those activities on my own in future. Funny, as I used to be quite a party animal in my wild, alcohol fueled days.
The problem with the world: Alcohol
The biggie. I am getting so disillusioned with human kind that they don’t realise how big a problem alcohol has become in their lives. Funnily enough, it seems someone in my company has the same idea: they have announced they will not pay for alcohol consumption at the Xmas parties this year. I applaud them…the rest of the staff however were appealed. There goes my sense of disconnection…Hey, I knew being awakened was never going to be easy, but, I don’t have a choice and am embracing life with my new eyes, and my old heart 🙂
Music is still an amazingly important part of my life and I can never give it up. Never. What I listen to really focuses me on my awakening. Everything I feel has been felt before by the artists I listen to, and they are getting more and more varied as I am discovering new ones all the time.
DI.FM is still my favourite station.
The internet is a great source of information to find out more about this global awakening. I fell onto a video this morning from Spirit Science that confirmed most of what I have been feeling, discovering, realising but also explained so many things to me that I had no clue about. This is extremely important to me in my disconnection state. It enables me to stay grounded in the real world, as weird as it sounds. Just knowing some people out there get where I am is enough for me to concentrate on living a normal life on this earth. I wish we were connected properly, and I guess that’s part of the reason why I created this new facebook account, but I am happy that nothing may happen for a while so I must carry on as normal. Patience was a virtue I never had but believe you me, I now completely get it. And so I wait, while learning what I need to in the meantime. I know things will turn around. I don’t know how or when, but I know it will and that makes me happy, secure and feeling safe….and a tad excited at times 😉
I have reduced my medication too. It was already quite low mind but I have decided to half it. I thought of stopping it but decided to do what the doctors said, so I don’t get in trouble. And to be honest, the couple of times I had forgotten it, I started to feel a bit more excited, I know it was my reaction to stress at work mind, but still. I want to, I need to be as “normal” as possible at the moment. I don’t want to give anybody any excuse to label me “crazy” again.
So all in all, all is good in my world, I hope it is in yours too 🙂