The Loss of Conscience

Since writing my entry yesterday, this subject had been on my mind.

I woke up quite abruptly from a strange dream an hour ago. I had a dream that I had the power to change the world and I was faced with some tough decisions.

I woke up feeling rather anxious and quite similar to how I felt when I descended into my “Psychosis”: Surreal. 

I was very scared that, as much as I have the power to make my world a better one, I also had the power to make it a terrible one.

As I pondered that thought anxiously smoking a cigarette (my only vice left) and drinking a tea, trying to settle my thoughts – I didn’t want another Psychosis thank you very much – the answer came to me.

What had bugged me about my friend and his apology was that it lacked Conscience. It’s not the hurt he caused his friends and family that he should have apologised to me for but for the loss of someone’s life.

These thoughts then took me to my husband. He said he still cared about me “very much so” yet he is still with my best friend. How can someone who cares inflict such pain on someone he knows loves him still (me)?

And that’s when I realised it is all about conscience.

Most of the human race seems to have little or no conscience these days. Or their conscience is misplaced.

Pure conscience doesn’t need values, religions or any outside influence to be true.

I guess this was my awakening: my conscience is bigger than most. I care about so much these days, any injustice and misery in this world touches my heart. Because I want to be happy, and one cannot be happy without a conscience. 

The deeper my conscience, the happier my world. Simple.

It doesn’t mean I can change everything and right all the wrongs, it means I am able to feel the pain, and thanks to my newly acquired spiritual faith, I trust everything will be alright in the end. 

So I am now able to carry on my everyday business, “feeling” as I go along, trying to help people I come across who need help. There are plenty around for me to feel I am making a difference to my world. 

I have recently befriended an older man I met at the Mental Health ward. He lives in the same town as me and suffers from depression and schizophrenia. I said I would keep in touch with him after our stays because he lived so close, it’d be silly not to.

I have gone to see him twice now and every time I leave, he gives me a big hug and a deep, heartfelt thank you. I feel embarrassed when he does that, because it is me that want to thank him. And I do. He doesn’t seem to realise how happy our encounters make me. To be able to share the love, and learn each time a little more about how wonderful people are. This chap is a gem to me. He is fascinating and little by little, I see him change, as he realises, through our chats, that life is worth living. He really is a wonderful man and one day, I hope he will see it himself.

Every encounter fills me with this joy as the moment, the best of all, I have returned to work this week and straight away, I picked up where I left off. I am so happy to be back at work because this job gives me all the happiness I could wish for: speaking to people all day long making them happy by sorting out their IT problems, I really am lucky 🙂

As for my husband, well, I cannot do anything about his lack of conscience. I am happy to let this go now. I hope one day he gets his awakening too. Because I know he has a conscience, it’s just barricaded as is often the case with people as he has had to go through some traumatic stuff in his life too. I have faith one day he will fully wake up. This isn’t up to me though.

The good news is everyone has a conscience, I believe one is born with one. Life, experiences, positive and negative, affect people’s conscience though. Some protect themselves, some misunderstand how to use it, but all have one. 

I hear there is a big awakening happening in the world, more and more people are getting in touch with their true conscience and starting to stand up for what they believe – actions speak louder than words – and that is good news 🙂


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