The answer to the big question

I am so excited tonight, I finally clicked what the answer to the big question is…that “why are we here” all time question!

The answer came to me in a few forms recently but I hadn’t connected the dots. The funny thing was I knew it was the answer but I hadn’t figured what the question was. I like to do things the interesting way 😉

And the answer is…..drop roll….to love. Pure and simple. And this is why I have felt so happy recently, because I have been loving everything I do. From listening to my music, to reading, to watching films, to meeting people, to working, to driving, to connecting with animals, nature, looking at the night sky, watching birds, loving my family, just about everything I do these days brings me joy. The more love you have in your life, the happier you will be, it’s pretty simple really.

Of course, all this starts when you start loving yourself, without this, it is difficult to appreciate everything else that comes into your life, And loving thyself, truly, is probably one of the hardest things to do.

When you start loving yourself though, something magic starts to happen, and you don’t even care if people don’t love you back. You will love them regardless.

I mentioned some time back that one of my favourite workmates had ignored me on Facebook and it had upset me. Days after I came off Facebook, he texted me to check I was alright – I had been off sick that week. It’s funny when I stopped caring what he thought of me, even though I still loved him, everything changed. And I have since got much closer to him and we are back to being close, I am his confident, the one person he can talk to about his deepest emotions, it’s magic. I am just happy to be here for when he needs me. I put no pressure on our friendship.

Yesterday I had the most amazing meeting at work with my manager. I have recently realised my worth at work and no longer worry about anything there, because I know I am good at my job and I love what I do. And the fact that I love my job shows in my performance. We had my 6 months meeting where it is decided whether I am taken on permanently. That meeting was a turning point for me. He said straight away it was just a tick box meeting as it was obvious I would be taken on, which, to be honest, still took me by surprise.

We spent the rest of the meeting “bonding”, we didn’t even go over my past 6 months performance, all he said was that it was excellent. We then just chatted about life, where I had been and how far I had come from and how impressed and happy he was to see me “blossom” he said. We talked about work too, because I am very passionate about my work and I have lots of ideas on how to improve the environment, and although he is moving on to a different job within the company on Monday, he wanted to hear about my ideas to improve the department and so I told him everything I had written down throughout the weeks since I had been back to work and he took it all on board and said there were some great ideas there and he would hand this over to his replacement. We connected so much during this meeting. He had already impressed me by being so supportive to me when I was signed off after my psychosis, but this meeting really opened up a whole new world for me and our connection. At the very end, he said something magic: “Thank you for being you”. I saw him in a completely different light during that meeting, not merely as my manager, but as a person whom I really loved.

If you do anything with love, it shows and people can’t help respond to it. The magic of love is that it just happens, I am not doing anything with love for any other reason that I just genuinely love doing it. An example is the dog walking I do for the rescue place. Nobody cares that I am doing, the dogs probably don’t even care, yet I will keep doing it because I just love doing it.

I have recently developed a thirst for life, I am getting into all sorts of things. I went shopping for books for Zanzibar at a charity shop this morning and came out with 6 books and 4 dvds. The books are an interesting mix to say the least. I have now got so many books for Zanzibar, I won’t be able to fit them all in! Me, who always had trouble with reading because my brain wouldn’t shut down long enough! I cannot wait to get started on my “interesting” collection! I shall write a separate post on the selection I will take with me closer the day.

The first DVD I put in the player is about “Genius of Britain”, I am fascinated by those exceptional people, in fact everything fascinates me these days. My world is opening up to levels I had never experienced before.

People everywhere are searching for “the” answer, some want it to be scientific, particularly men, but they are never going to get it until they open up their heart. They can look for the truth as much as they want, but until they realise it’s all about love, they will never find it. And love, I’m afraid, is not something that can be explained…yet anyway. It’s a feeling. Yet a very real one. And to feel it fully, all you need to do is be able to love yourself first, then you are free to love everything else.

How you get to do that will be for another post, as I am still trying to suss how the shift happened in me, shift that started two years ago. The one thing I will say though is that you have to realise you are only human, and you will make mistakes along the way, plenty, however what makes you grow is to learn from them and not repeat the cycle.

Be good, do good, feel good.

By newpaz

Christmas is coming!

I fell on an advert this morning, entitled Christmas in a Day, it’s actually an hour long film but came up as an advert when I was looking up a video I fancied hearing on Youtube.

There is only one thing that makes me really sad about my Christmas this year which will be spent miles away from all on a desert island. I won’t be with my family, especially my mum.

I feel bad about this because what I am doing is very selfish. Christmas is a time to be with your family and there I am flying off to be on my own.

The bond between my family and I is growing stronger and stronger as I am starting to realise how much they matter to me, and me to them. And a few days ago, I got very worried about how my mother might feel me not being with her for this special time of the year. She seemed fine when I asked her what she would be doing. She said she’d probably spend it with my brother as he too would be alone. It warmed my heart. I have always dreamed of their connection to be better and it seems to be happening, slowly but surely.

And so I have to keep telling myself that this year my family will have to do without me for Christmas. I wish I could fly them there for the day, truly I do.

Why I chose to be away and out of reach is still a bit unclear to me, however, it was one of those decisions I made because it felt right in my heart. Maybe it was to bring me closer still to my family in a strange way.

My mum asked me last week what would be happening for my birthday next May, would she be coming to me or would I be going to hers. There was no other options in her eyes that we would be together. At first, I was on the defensive, who did she think she was to be making plans like this without considering what I had wanted. And then I realised that actually, I love spending my birthday with my family, for it only matters to them, it is celebrating the day I was born and came into their life, for ever. And so from now on I shall be spending each of my birthdays with my family, the only beings that in the end, truly matter to me. I am lucky to have them.

I think Christmas Day this year will be tough for me. I will be missing them dearly and hoping they have a good day. My mum will contact me on the day, she has already asked for the contact details, same as she contacted me on the day of our wedding. She is an amazing woman my mother, I realised how much yesterday morning while bathing.

She has always been there for me, despite all our differences. And as I grow and start appreciating it, our bond gets stronger. I am getting less and less defensive with her as I am starting to understand how deeply she loves me. Being able to feel this unconditional love from her is magic. These past two years in particular she has given me more support than I could have ever hoped for.

Looking back this change started after my marriage breakdown, when I started to push her away because the support she was offering wasn’t what I had needed. I remember very well when the change happened.

I was in Paris with my dad to settle myself before moving back to the UK and I had wanted to meet up with him to show him I was ok. I hadn’t wanted to go to the South, where the rest of my family lived, because I wanted to avoid my mum. During my awakening there, her and I had had a lot of problems. I pushed her away more than ever and only wanted to speak to my dad. I realise now it was because her perception on men wasn’t what I wanted to hear at the time, she was still rather bitter about them.

After Paris, the plan had been that I would go to the South of France to spend a few days before flying to the UK. Things didn’t go too well with my dad in Paris and I decided to skip the South. When I told her the news over the phone, she near enough put the phone down on me. 2 minutes later, she phoned back and apologised and said I should do what felt right for me and she understood.

That was the turning point for us. She accepted me as an individual that day, fully.

There are still a few things we don’t agree on these days but every time we have a disagreement, I understand more what makes her, and really, when I think about it deeply, my mother is an extraordinary person. She has lived situations in her life I would never wish on anyone, from being given two disabled sons to cope with to my parents’ divorce, where my dad did the usual man thing and went off with inappropriate ladies straight away, with little respect of the fact that she was still dealing with the breakup, one of those ladies being a friend of hers. We have a lot in common her and I, more than I had realised.

So I shall be spending my birthdays with my family from now on, like it is Christmas, as, at the end of the day, it is my special day 🙂 Last year was very special, my mother, dad, brother and I went for our first meal together for the first time in ever. We enjoyed a Chinese and a glass of champagne outside the restaurant, then I spent the rest of the afternoon at my brother’s watching French films. Probably one of the best Birthdays in my life, after my 30th, which was a very special strange evening, and 40th spent in Canada, which was a very special day for me, made all the more special as my best friend V gave me 40 little gifts, all stuff that meant something to me and to her. I am glad my mother was there too.

As for Christmas this year, who knows what will happen but that’s part of the adventure 🙂

Little update on my life

In three weeks I shall be flying off to Zanzibar, it is coming round so quickly, I still don’t know at all how this will go, there will be a lot of travelling to get there, then seven days alone on a remote small island and then lots of travelling back. I cannot wait, I love the sense of the unknown these days, especially at the moment where every experience seems magical, even just going to the shops fills me with pleasure. Truly, this Zanzibar trip will be one of those unforgettable life experiences.

I have quit the Jive classes, I have realised as fun as it was, it isn’t for me. I’m good with that though as if you don’t try you don’t get to know those things!

One activity that has me absolutely excited is the public speaking classes. I had my first proper session last night and loved it. We did tongue twisters and I learned why they can be difficult to say. My tutor was very impressed with my skills, that gave me a lot of hope that one day I will get over this phobia of mine, which he said was what it was as I seemed pretty confident and intelligent. I don’t think it is myself, I think there are deep rooted reasons why I feel uneasy about expressing myself in public, particularly if the public is unknown. I feel it comes from years of repression of my feelings and thoughts because I felt they were not worthy.

These sessions are teaching me so much about myself too, and I am beginning to be more mindful of how I express myself so the delivery has the desired impact. I have always got carried away in the past when I have felt strongly about something, I am starting to change this. I still have passion, a lot of, for what I believe but I am calmer about it. It’s like I have realised it’s not a fight, people will be people and they will feel what they feel, whatever I feel. And so I am not so eager to want to show them my point of view because ultimately nobody really cares what you feel, or at least a lot of people who are not awakened. And I have realised it is pointless to try and open someone’s eyes, they will keep them closed because it’s “better that way”, they feel safe in denial. I’d rather not waste my time with those individuals.

I have better things to do with my time, such as enjoy life with my open eyes and heart.

One of those things I am now able to give more of my time to is the Animal Rescue Centre. I try to go there on Sundays, the only day that works for me. Each visit is as rewarding as the other. At the moment I go for one and half to two hours, I am hoping to go longer when I am fitter as I want to walk as many of the dogs there as I can.

Last Sunday when I went, I had the pleasure of getting peed on by a group of puppies I was helping move so their kennel could be cleaned, it was an absolute joy. The puppies and their mother were found in a box dumped somewhere, and it was a pleasure to see they were doing very well. I got to take mum for a walkie too, a very enjoyable one. She is turning out to be a great mum, which is wonderful to see considering her circumstances.

As I was walking Pépé, one of the older dogs there, a lady, who had been sitting in her car, came out and had a chat with me. She said she was disgusted how people could abandon animals like that. I told her I was just grateful for a place like this rescue place. She went back in her car after a while of complaining about people and sat there for another half hour. I am not sure what she was doing there, maybe waiting for someone who was volunteering there, however, I thought, what a waste of time, if she cared so much, maybe she cared to help us walk the dogs.

I am starting to feel less angry with the world, and realising it is what it is. And all I can do, if something bothers me so much, is do my bit about it and hope for the best.

Yes, those dogs may have been abandoned, and it sucks, but what they really need right now is someone to care about them, not complain about their plight. Actions always speak louder than words.

And so I am getting involved where I can to make a difference. I am registered on a few petitions sites and regularly sign their petitions after scanning what the cause is about. Generally always something I agree something should be done about it.

Today I sent a letter to the government about some proposals being talked about which would restrict opposition (people complaining) to take action to stop corporate companies in their tracks. This particular one was about dumping nuclear waste in the Lake Districts. The Lake Districts are one of the few remaining “nature at its best” area of the UK. And the idea of its water being polluted by Nuclear waste appealed me, nearly as much as the idea that this proposal would put a stop to people being able to complain about it. And so I wrote a few choice words, asking them to care as people had less and less power these days.

On the mental health front, I still don’t know how I will contribute in the future, but I am still observing and learning. Oh, I got a response from the psychiatrist I wrote to some time ago by the way. Her letter came soon after I sent mine, I was quite impressed. She waffled a lot of crap though, mainly she was sorry about how her comments had made me feel but from experience medication is the best answer. Waste of a response really. But hey, I wasn’t surprised.

I have a fun psychiatrist who follows me, from a distance somewhat though. My care co-ordinator, who I love, had said she liked him so I wasn’t quite so much on the defensive when I met him, and I was able to truly open up and explained to him how I saw my psychotic episodes as awakenings. He actually understood, which was unexpected! He is of Indian origin though, and I think their brain is wired differently, they have a different understanding about human behaviour I think. And so he seemed quite happy with where I was at and now will only see me for short sessions on occasions just to check I carry on doing well. I have told him I have stopped my meds too and he said he had expected me to after what I said during our first meeting. I did tell him I still have a prescription’s worth at home and will not hesitate to take a low dose should I feel my energy raising too much but so far I have been absolutely fine. As I suspected I would. When you understand what is happening to you (awakening) you fully understand the emotions you are going through and can handle them with ease.

I am starting to take more interest in the wellbeing group at work, I hadn’t realised it is just being launched, in fact February 6th – time to talk day at the time to change movement. My ideas for the wellbeing group are too radical though, although they are well received, they go with the usual “HR wouldn’t go for that” type of attitude. Which actually really pisses me off, because that’s the problem with the world right there. Things have to be just so, a nice little pretense, because we are too worried about upsetting the qui pro quo. But I will hang in there and be patient, Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Yes indeed, I am learning to be patient these days, and it is actually a wonderful skill to have.

On the spiritual front, I am still going here, there and everywhere, seeing what’s out there in the world. I still love Spirit Science best, and I have recently discovered a spin off from the site from a girl called Teal. Ask Teal are her videos and the ones I watched made a lot of sense to me. What I like about her too is that she sometimes contradicts stuff from Spirit Science, and does it in a way that completely make sense, without discrediting Spirit Science.

I fell on an interesting site this morning, which I haven’t had a chance to fully explore yet, but this document came my way and, after starting reading it, I am keen to read the whole lot – especially as it is offered free of charge, my best kind of sharing consciousness. There it is if you fancy taking a look: The Ultimate Truth – The Present.

This is why I am so happy these days. I appreciate each moments. Even the sad ones 🙂

Lastly I am still without a spiritual mentor, which is absolutely fine because at present, the whole world and the people I come across are my mentors, and really, I prefer it that way. I get to decide what to take and what to leave. Just as I like it 🙂

By newpaz

Why I choose to stay single

I have finished my Love video for now and this morning, while having a little play after my bath, I got thinking about past loves.

It started with thinking about the American guy I dated not too long ago.

Our relationship was a car crash but he has given me something priceless: he brought my body alive. I now know what it feels like to connect fully with someone on a physical level. Our connection in the bedroom was from another level for me. Never in my life have I felt so good sexually, never have had so many orgasms, never have I wanted to please my partner so much. This had been missing from my life, always. Even with my husband. Especially with my husband. In fact he stated when we split that there was no chemistry there so there was no point. I agree with him. Sex, or at least a great sexual connection is the most important thing in a relationship. In my eyes. If you don’t have that, you might as well forget the rest. Sex is what connects two souls completely. It has to work.

After I came out of my depression and started to feel alive again, I have had a few encounters with men, some I will remember very fondly. However, none came close to the mark. And so I have decided to stay single until I meet the one. Nothing else will do for me.

I am still deep in my self discovery voyage and I don’t feel ready to be with him yet. This was the reason why I finished with the American guy. I badly needed space to fully explore every area of my being without distraction. 

When I am ready, this is what love will feel like to me:


It’s good to talk

Another great news for me this morning, the only person I was missing from Facebook was my brother, and a friend gave me an idea yesterday to use Whatsapp instead to keep in touch with him and this morning we got connected. Happy Paz 🙂

By newpaz

My Life Project has started

I am so excited this morning, I have finally started My Life Project 🙂

Yesterday morning, I fell on a video from the chap at MindMovies and he shared sample videos of what his vision was on various areas of life, love, money, spirituality etc. I thought I’d start watching his and this morning, I felt inspired to start my own. I don’t want to be watching someone else’s vision of what the perfect life should be, I want to create my own 🙂

And so last night, I started to download lots of pics of things that make me happy, and this morning I downloaded a free video making software and started to play with it. 

My first video is entitled Love, and here is the first draft. It will change lots as I get ideas and inspired but this will give you an idea of what My Life Project is. Spot the typo too haha!


Learning to listen

Since I started my “silence”, helped by disconnecting from Facebook, I have found I am learning to truly listen.

To me and my feelings but also to the world around me.

Recently, a few people have come into my life with messages and because of the magnitude of them all, I couldn’t hear them properly, it all felt too much. Now there is quiet in my life, I can.

I am starting to realise everyone I come across can teach me something. And maybe that’s why I needed to disconnect from the virtual world, so I could take time to hear the messages.

For example, I now realise that the American guy I dated for a while was right, what my cats, whom I had problems with, needed was a space to call home in my house, and they have now elected to sleep in the small spare bedroom I have. That makes me so happy. This morning, as I was taking my bath, one of the cats came and played in the shower cubicle. He used to do this before the resident dog moved in and neither of them had ventured upstairs since, it makes me so happy to see them treating this house as theirs again.

Not all the messages are positive, but when I hear one that is negative, it makes me think about my own feelings on the matter.

For instance I had lunch with a special friend, for her course at work was what precipitated my awakening the weekend before my psychosis, yesterday and, as she mentioned her marriage, which I know nothing about, I noticed she was very dismissive and obviously still hurt and angry by what had happened. As I said, I don’t know what happened and don’t need to know to see how she is still feeling now.

It made me realise that it was never the way I wanted to speak about my marriage. And so early in the night, I gave some thoughts to it to see where I was and realised I was quite happy to be friends with my husband now, if he wants the friendship of course, whereas some weeks back I had decided I never wanted to be in touch with him again. That also made me realise I was fine with what had happened now and there was no reason not to be in touch anymore. I am pretty sure he still has a lot to teach me, as, one of a recent friend commented on him not long ago, he is a very complex man.

I have an incredible desire to learn at the moment, and I am pretty pleased to see I have various sources in my life to learn, some from the videos I watch on line, others from the book I have chosen to read, some from the people already in my life, and more from the people that will come across my path, some by just overhearing conversations when shopping!

It’s a new dawn for me, as I have never listened, all my life.

By newpaz

New beginnings

This is going to be my last entry about my husband.

Thoughts of him will always be in my mind, because of the love I have for him, but I have now fully processed what happened and there is no need to talk about it anymore.

For the past two years I have been struggling trying to make sense of what happened between us. I have played the victim, I have played the wounded wife, I have played all sorts of role trying to come to terms with losing the man I loved.

This morning, I have finally realised that it was all my fault. I have been going through events that led to our separation, and events that followed, and realise that everything was orchestrated by me. I gave up on him long before he gave up on me.

In fact, looking back, I can see I never believed I could be happy with him. There were things niggling me from the very start and, as I did in those days, I used alcohol and dope to mask over the problems I had.

My husband was and is a good man. I just wasn’t ready for him. And so it is time to let him go fully. Forgive and forget everything and start afresh. I am even fine that he is with my best friend now as, as he said himself when we split, I pushed him to her.

I hope I made a good choice and she makes him happy. He deserves to be.

I know I will find my own happiness romantically some day. My husband gave me a glimpse of what this could look like and more spefically what it felt like to love someone deeply and recently I met someone who made me realise what it was to “make love”. Some day, I will get the whole package.



By newpaz Tagged

More on Fathers

I have become aware these last few days that my “problem” with my father runs much deeper than I had realised.

All my life, I had thought it was the problem with my mother that prevented me from being fully happy, but I now realise it is actually my relationship with my father that has stopped me.

I left home when I was 19 because of the arguments with my mum, however, it was my dad who asked me to leave, as he didn’t know how to handle our fighting anymore and wanted rid of the problem. Me.

And so I am trying to repair the damage any way I can.

I have been in touch with him a bit more recently, and I feel each contact is progress, even though each brings a little closer how deep the damage is. I know I have a long way to go to full acceptance of my being caused by our relationship.

I know he wants nothing more than for me to be happy, however, he doesn’t realise the importance of his role in that happiness.

When I look back at our relationship, I feel that he was always on the side line, never really involved in our lives – as this goes for my brother as well – as if we were never his responsibility.

I have talked about absent fathers before and I see it is common behaviour for a man whose family has been split. It’s like his children come as a package with their mothers. If things are broken with the mother, they are bound to be broken with the children too. And so they’d rather concentrate on having a life of their own away from the household rather than still be there for the children.

On the daughter/father side of the equation though, this behaviour can mark the daughter deeply. For it is her first experience of love from a member of the opposite sex. If she feels betrayed by the first man she loves, her father, that won’t fare well for her future relationships.

And so at present, I observe my father as he is desperate to find love again and has now found a new girlfriend. I feel cheated truth be told that he doesn’t appear to want to concentrate on repairing the damaged relationships already in his life, namely my brother and I. He seems to have given up on us, this comes through the exchange we have had recently.

I still have hope one day he will understand how we need to be loved and I am hoping to show him how. It’s tough in the meantime, because I realise this damaged part of me needs repairing so I can be fully happy.

And it’s not as easy as forgiving everything, as, as I mentioned before, if someone doesn’t understand what they are doing wrong, they will carry on doing it.

So, as long as he is still alive, I will carry on trying. Because I love him, despite everything.

By newpaz

The power of positive thinking.

I had one of those magical encounters today. 

I decided to treat myself to lunch at my favourite little posh café in town after my floatation session, during which I decided I should really stop smoking.

After I enjoyed my Tuna, cheese and onion pannini, I decided to have my decaf coffee at one of their outside tables with a cigarette. And there was a man sitting there too.

Soon enough he started chatting to me and I find out he was diagnose with Prostate Cancer two months ago.

His whole attitude towards it and life was heartwarming.

He was a very simple man, in his 70s. He had by all accounts a very simple life, yet extraordinary in my eyes.

He has been married for 52 years, and, had only recently retired from his job to which he was married to, he joked, for 53 years. He laughed that he’d been married to his job longer than his wife.

He only retired when he got sick. He said he was glad not to be working now.

He said if he had one piece of advice to give to anyone was “don’t graft so hard”. He said his only regret was having worked so hard all his life.

He was such a good, funny man though. He said he didn’t care if he died or not now. He was good with where he was.

And he was, you could feel it as he chatted. 

He joked that when the nurse was setting his next checkup for the cancer in 6 months time, his son told the nurse that he might not have that long to live, so the nurse cheerfully said, fine, I will set the appointment for 7 months then. That made him giggle. And me.

He also told me he was reborn. He explained that he wasn’t always a good man, he used to drink and have a gambling problem. One day, he decided to do away with himself and was going to hang himself.

As he was preparing the event, he asked God for help in his desperation. And God answered. He calls himself reborn now, and I know exactly what he means. This was 14 years ago and he has been settled ever since, able to appreciate life for all it has to offer, the good and the bad.

We sat there a while, watching people go about their business and chatting, enjoying a cigarette together.

I am so glad I haven’t stopped smoking yet. Smoking has enabled me to connect to random people on a different level, especially recently.

As we parted, his hand reached out to shake mine. I told him best of luck and that I hoped he made his 7 months appointment. I have a feeling he will.

He had said earlier a lot of people had been praying for him at a local church when they heard his predicament. He felt that had made a difference.

It made me realise the power of positive thinking comes in all shape and sizes.

By newpaz