I have been very lucky along my journey in that what I think, feel, I get confirmation in various places afterwards that I am on the right track. Well, my own right track.
Tonight I saw, for the first time, a film that re-affirmed so much of what I have been thinking in the last few months and I actually realised what it is I am going through.
I saw the Shawshank Redemption, for the first time in my awakened state. And I realised this is the process I am going through: this is my prison break.
I will admit it’s really not easy. There are times when I feel really lonely, however I believe to carry out a prison break you need to be alone, no-one to restrain you other than the prison walls. This is part of the reason I am so glad I never had children.
Like the chap in the movie, I have found a few things I can go to when it gets too much, as I have mentioned many a time before, music, nature, particularly water, and animals.
Everywhere around me though, apart from the awakened people I have come across, no-one really gets what I am doing, and so I keep it mostly under wrap. Some people are happy in their prison, and all the good for them, however they will not understand someone “normal” not wanting to conform to their normality. They will try and break you too, try to make you “see sense” that life as it is is not that bad, hence why I have distanced myself from everybody, apart from my family.
I keep these people in my life though because they keep me grounded at the moment and I need that. Also, when they throw something at me to unbalance me, I find that I find my balance quickly enough and am able to calmly tell them my viewpoint. I am not in the business of judging others, however I am entitled to my opinions and to voice them. As is everyone else.
To be truly alone is tough though, I can tell you. I was chatting with my mum today and she said something very true. It’d be nice to have someone’s shoulder to rest my head on. How perfectly put.
I have hope that one day I will meet that someone, in the meantime I have to go through this journey alone, although luckily now I have a few people helping me along the way.
There is one thing that never leaves me though and that is hope. I have always placed a lot of importance in that little word. In fact my last blog’s title was all about hope. At the moment, this is the only thing that keeps me going.
What hope? That one day I will truly live the life I need to live. It’s not a want anymore, it has become a need, my “calling” as you may want to call it.
I have realised recently that the reason why I drunk and smoked pot for the past 23 years was because I was escaping my reality, which I wasn’t happy with.
I understand people have trade offs to live in the reality they choose and I guess this is what I will ultimately need to do too.
Right now my biggest dream is to travel the world and find somewhere that feels right for me. It might be that right here is where it feels right. Wherever I feel fulfilled will be where I want to be.
The chap in the film was lucky, he had found exactly where he would be happy and so his hope had a clear purpose.
I guess this is why I am feeling a bit lost at the moment, I have hope, but no purpose. However, I also have faith that now I have broken the chains, and listen only to myself, the answer will come to me.