I am sick at the moment, nothing serious, just a standard cold, but sick enough that I cannot go to work.
Yesterday, my first day off sick, was tough on the guilt side. I was worried about how work would cope without me as we are short staffed at the moment. I was also worried how my colleagues would feel about me “letting them down” by not turning up.
I have realised today that no-one really cares about me there.
When I had my psychosis, people seemed to care because I didn’t turn up for two days and not a word from me. When they found out I was in hospital, they stopped worrying. Apart from my manager, and, I have since realised, the big boss too who care about me and ensuring I am happy. But my team really don’t seem to give a damn.
So there I was worrying yesterday when in fact, they care none about me. Even the one chap I thought I had developed a close friendship with. Yesterday, he put something on his Facebook wall about how many calls he had had to take that day, I commented that I was sorry I couldn’t make it in and well done. He completely ignored my comment. Not even a “get better soon”.
Today I have decided not to care about going to work anymore. I am still feeling rough and so decided to look after myself.
One of the toughest thing about a Prison Break is realising what really matters. Really matters. And to me, what really matters is being surrounded by people who appreciate me, and what I have to offer. Apparently my current job isn’t it.
All my life I have been desperate to find the right job. And with this purpose, I have had many many jobs. Through this, I have found what it is I really like doing: helping people and problem solving.
The core of my current job gives me exactly that and this is why I love my job so much. However, I have to work as part of a team and the behaviour of that team is soul destroying.
There are big changes coming up at work and I know the big boss has the right idea, and so I am trying to hang in there at the moment. However it is a real struggle.
I feel I have to endure this until I find my calling however. This is me all along, always calculated risks, I never just jump in the deep end. I don’t know if it is a good or a bad thing but it has always served me right.