La jalousie est un vilain default

As I was standing outside, contemplating my life and my world earlier, I realised what my problem was with my best friend V (the one now with my husband). I was jealous of her, pure and simple.

Jealous that she seemed to have the life I had wanted for myself, even down to the man I had chosen to spend the rest of my life with.

It’s silly really because when you look at us, you can easily see we are poles apart. She is an artist for starters, a true one, who lets her art overtake all of her life, literally. The house she lives in is her studio, everywhere you looked there was her art, her paintings, her brushes, her messy cloths, her madness.

As she was one of those tortured artists, as I have mentioned before, she was a very tortured soul. Yet her heart was always in the right place, deep down. She had visions of helping children discover art for instance and I saw recently on facebook that she was realising her dreams teaching kids, and it warmed my heart, truly it did.

She also had a dream of owning a bit of land somewhere special and let her imagination run wild there. She got her dream. finding the perfect place 10 minutes from where she lives, sharing it with a couple of friends with similar visions.

She loves horses too and she got one that she put on the land. That story wasn’t a happy one looking back as the horse got severally damaged by other horses on the ground and she let her dream cloud her judgement on that poor horse, but still, she dealt with the consequences and never lost hope that her dream would come true.

She also had a dream of finding true love. She struggled with failed relationships after failed relationships and never lost hope. I believe she now has her dream man. My husband is an exceptional man, I wouldn’t have given him my heart if I didn’t think he was.

The life she chose for herself certainly isn’t the one for me, but she had big dreams and she struggled on to get where she wanted to be. And I can’t help admire her for it. Despite everything that has happened, she is still an inspiration to me.

And this is part of the reason why I disconnected from the virtual world. I had started to watch people’s lives with envy. Everyone seemed to have found their little paradise, through my eyes. I know there is a lot of unhappiness out there and damaged people, yet they carry on through life as best they can. And I admire this.

Today has been a good one so far. I have done pretty much what I have wanted. It started with a long sleep, then talking a walk with Sam the resident dog in the beautiful sunshine, looking around the beauty that surrounds me, picking up the odd bit of plastic my eyes fell on here and there, feeling so good to be alive.

On the way back from my walk, I walked past my neighbours’ house and decided to go and visit them.

They are an elderly couple, still with plenty of energy, where he has now what is terminal cancer (he has decided to stop the treatment) and she has anxiety attacks at the thought of losing him.

I had said when I met her some time ago that I would be there for her no matter what happened. She had been there for me when I went through my depression and I will never forget this, however, I truly love her too. So I wanted to go and check on them and see how they were doing.

The door opened before I could knock and I got the warmest welcome from both of them…he had tended to stay away from me in the past, when I had my depression because he didn’t know how to handle it. He didn’t like seeing my pain and not being able to help.

I had the loveliest visit with them, they are doing so well, and got busy telling me about their family visiting, and their plans to visit some of them, whilst asking about me and how I was doing, telling me I looked good and happy, I felt so good there chatting with them for a while. I truly reconnected with both of them, him, truly connecting for the very first time. He was so relaxed with me, and I saw he too looked good, relaxed and happy, you wouldn’t believe he has cancer. It was so good to see.

When I got back home, I got busy tidying up some stuff that needed to, putting some music on and just feeling good. And this is when I took a break and started to think about V.

As I contemplate my life, which at the moment looks like a blank canvas, I realised that there is so much colour in it already. V struggled, a lot, to get to her dream life, and I guess I didn’t help giving her so much hassle for “stealing” my husband either. Her path to true happiness, which I imagine she has now, wasn’t an easy one.

I feel happy that I am starting my life with no drama in it now. I have let go of all the pain I had, I haven’t crushed anyone (much, one or two people might argue this) to get where I am now, I have disconnected from everything I needed to, particularly people, so that my path wouldn’t involve hurting anyone in the process.

Yep, I realise I have nothing to be jealous or envious of. Feels pretty good to be me right now.

By newpaz

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