After my bath, as I was getting ready in the bedroom, my eye fell on something on the floor. I recognised it straight away from the distance. It was my wedding ring. It had appeared out of nowhere, probably following the tidying up I did earlier, and I must say, I had been wondering where it was, when I found my engagement ring a few weeks’ back having a major tidy up. Engagement ring which I am now wearing on the right hand side – it took a while for my fingers to adjust to the alien feel but I got there in the end. I liked that ring as I chose it, I see no reason not to wear it.
A wedding ring is a whole different thing though. I took mine off soon after my husband and I split up as, as far as I was concerned, that was when our wedding ended.
As I looked at the ring, it reminded me that something very special was hopefully going to happen too when I go to Zanzibar. I am taking our wedding certificate with me and will try to get our marriage annulled.
This is my greatest hope. In fact, when we first split up 2 years ago, I actually phoned the Tanzania High Commission from Canada asking for it to be annulled. Unfortunately, I don’t think they understood why I was asking this and they told me not to worry about the fact that technically our marriage was illegal, no-one would ever trouble us for it.
See, when we got married 10 years ago, the official vows we took were a lie. A very simple one: we were supposed to have stayed in Zanzibar some 14 days before getting married and we only stayed a few days short of two weeks.
I remember watching the video of our wedding last year and smirking how even then I had problems with lying, as I tumbled my words when I read the bit about swearing that we had been in Zanzibar for two weeks.
My husband had recently started the divorce proceedings and told me he hadn’t been able to do much more about it as he had to come back to the UK for his father’s funeral. Of course I told him not to worry about it, and then, I got thinking as I was about to go to Zanzibar, where we got married, I might as well try to get it annulled whilst I was there and so told him to wait a couple of months anyway before doing anything more with it.
When we split up two years ago, I realised our wedding was a sham. We didn’t get married for the right reasons. I know on my part, as I have mentioned before, it was to secure the man I felt was the one for me. On his part I couldn’t tell you but I know that when I met him, he said he didn’t care for marriage, and he now says he will never get married again, so I can safely assume, he didn’t have a clue what showing your deep commitment via marriage to someone means.
I want to get married again, and next time for real. Now fully understanding what it means to fully give of yourself to someone, trusting them implicitly with your heart, no matter what happens and loving them unconditionally, warts and all, for ever.
And so we are getting a chance at wiping the slate clean of our mistake. I am pretty sure with a few american dollars, I can get them to annul our marriage. It will be a relief to set my husband free of having to deal with the divorce. I know it hasn’t been easy for him, he has said so plus I know it can’t be easy – I have refused to deal with it myself, although happy to go along with anything he needs me to do to help the process. I had felt I had been given no choice nor hope when we split up and therefore I wanted nothing to do with the divorce proceedings. His decision, his job.
I still have this suspicion deep inside that my husband and I were soul mates but neither of us were ready for the other.
There are two gifts he has given me in the past two years that told me something was different about us. One was money for a sunlounger, the other was money for my shower to be replaced – I had been living without a shower for a year as it was broken and I was too worried about my financial future to replace it. I hadn’t asked for anything from him, and it may sound silly to most people but these two gifts meant the world to me. It showed me he understood me on a deeper level than most people do and that he cared about me deeply.
The other action it took which told me he deeply cared was to send me Frodo a month after I had moved back. We both loved that boy so much, yet he put his feelings aside to consider mine. Even though he didn’t feel I was ready to have him back, he felt it was best to.
And so this is my time to try and give him a priceless gift, our wedding annulment. So he won’t feel like a failure, which I know is part of the reason why he had had difficult dealing with the divorce. I want him to feel no guilt, no shame, no regret and be a single man again. Not a divorced man.
The gift that I want most in the world to give him is to walk as a free man again, as if our marriage never happened. A clear conscience.
I know he worries about me, this is the reason why he unblocked me from Facebook he said after my last psychosis, so he could check how I was doing. Also part of the reason why I disconnected off Facebook. People get this notion they can see you through your activity, when really they have no clue.
I don’t want him to worry about me. Ever. I now realise I was never, will never be and should never be his responsibility. The only person I am responsible to is myself.
My wedding ring, the day I took it off during a camping trip in Michichi, Drumheller, Alberta.