The silence begins

Since coming off Facebook, something quite special is starting to happen. Silence. And I am starting to realise how important silence is as part of the process of understanding yourself, others, everything.

So many people were disappointed I was leaving Facebook, in fact it took me by surprise. I hadn’t realised I seemed to have touched those people’s lives, some asking me to reconsider, others saying how much they would miss me.

Those who did, I gave my email address and told them we could still be in touch. However since, I got an email or two from unexpected people, those who I wasn’t really in touch with on Facebook, and then nothing, apart from my best friend but Facebook wasn’t a feature of our friendship, we had been friends long before Facebook and I never had any doubts that we would after too. In fact, visiting her recently made me realise I was starting to miss out on real life and made me re-assess my current life.

I am not surprised by this silence, nor disappointed. I was expecting it really. I wanted to cut off the superficial from my life and see what was left, for it is that that really matters. And I am glad I haven’t received a deluge of emails as the idea wasn’t to replace one addiction for another.

Finding yourself with yourself is quite a powerful thing I am starting to realise. Every thought starts to matter, every feeling.

I will admit I felt a bit lost to start with, without my crutch, my outlay where I could expose my thoughts so easily and effortlessly. Now I have to truly look at them. Now I have to entertain myself. I have to discover what makes me come alive, what really interests me, I have to discover who I am, now free from all the addictions that prevented me, my biggest one being people.

I mentioned in an earlier post how excited I would be to be starting my Life Project but I haven’t yet. Simple reason being I am not sure yet what my ideal life would look like.

I have a few ideas on the basic stuff, like I would like to be near the beach, as I have a deep connection with it, when I lived in Alberta, one of the things I missed most was the beach for instance, but since I have been back living an hour for it, I have only visited it a handful of times so I need to rediscover it and why I like it so much now I have time on my hands.

Cars also don’t feature in my ideal life, I would much prefer walking or cycling instead, which is something I started to do more of in Alberta and loved the freedom it gave.

Nature being the most important feature of my ideal life too, and animals and birds. But again, since living back near the biggest forest in the UK, I have barely been there, especially since I lost my dog. So I need to reconnect there too and find what it is I like so much about trees, which again I missed dearly in Alberta, where I live being semi-desert-like area.

As for the rest, the bigger picture, what I would like to be doing, how I would like to make a living, how I would be contributing to society, I have no clue. And so I seem to be back to observing the world around me but from a different angle. From reality. Or at least the reality I am exposed to when I finally opened my eyes and go out there in the big wide world.

After visiting my elderly neighbours the other day for instance, I realised that their love for each other is the kind of love I wanted in a relationship. Those two really do love each other, they have gone through the mills because of the cancer that has affected them and sitting in their lounge yesterday, I could feel, nearly touch the incredible bond between those two. It is a very hard thing to explain unless you can see it with an awakened mind. No amount of reading or watching films would have explained it to me, I could only grasp it by being there, sitting with them, listening to them, feeling the love by being around them.

In silence, without being able to share my every thoughts with anyone, I am able to notice what it is that has been common features in my life.

Tonight, I have realised I am drawn to people who walk.

This started a few years back when I fell on someone called Ffyona Campbell. She is a British lady who has walked across all the continents in 11 years. I was fascinated by her and read all her books.

Tonight, I fell on a chap whose occupation is “Planetwalker” and again, watching his interview had me fascinated.

I remember when I had my first big awakening 2 years ago at my best friend’s house, my first thought was that I had to drop everything and go walking, for life. 

And thinking back further, when I was a teenager, I would often be found just walking when I had issues I found hard to deal with. For miles, for no reason.

I had a friend when I lived in Oxfordshire that was going to walk the British Coastal Path, all of it. I was in awe of this and even had wanted to accompany him on part of his journey Sadly, he didn’t take the split between my husband and I too well – he was extremely disappointed in us as he felt we were special – and so we are now no longer connected for various reasons. I might try to find a way to reconnect with him somehow, some day. I miss him…

So I think before I start on my Life Project, I need to experience life a bit more. In silence.

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