This is going to be my last entry about my husband.
Thoughts of him will always be in my mind, because of the love I have for him, but I have now fully processed what happened and there is no need to talk about it anymore.
For the past two years I have been struggling trying to make sense of what happened between us. I have played the victim, I have played the wounded wife, I have played all sorts of role trying to come to terms with losing the man I loved.
This morning, I have finally realised that it was all my fault. I have been going through events that led to our separation, and events that followed, and realise that everything was orchestrated by me. I gave up on him long before he gave up on me.
In fact, looking back, I can see I never believed I could be happy with him. There were things niggling me from the very start and, as I did in those days, I used alcohol and dope to mask over the problems I had.
My husband was and is a good man. I just wasn’t ready for him. And so it is time to let him go fully. Forgive and forget everything and start afresh. I am even fine that he is with my best friend now as, as he said himself when we split, I pushed him to her.
I hope I made a good choice and she makes him happy. He deserves to be.
I know I will find my own happiness romantically some day. My husband gave me a glimpse of what this could look like and more spefically what it felt like to love someone deeply and recently I met someone who made me realise what it was to “make love”. Some day, I will get the whole package.