In three weeks I shall be flying off to Zanzibar, it is coming round so quickly, I still don’t know at all how this will go, there will be a lot of travelling to get there, then seven days alone on a remote small island and then lots of travelling back. I cannot wait, I love the sense of the unknown these days, especially at the moment where every experience seems magical, even just going to the shops fills me with pleasure. Truly, this Zanzibar trip will be one of those unforgettable life experiences.
I have quit the Jive classes, I have realised as fun as it was, it isn’t for me. I’m good with that though as if you don’t try you don’t get to know those things!
One activity that has me absolutely excited is the public speaking classes. I had my first proper session last night and loved it. We did tongue twisters and I learned why they can be difficult to say. My tutor was very impressed with my skills, that gave me a lot of hope that one day I will get over this phobia of mine, which he said was what it was as I seemed pretty confident and intelligent. I don’t think it is myself, I think there are deep rooted reasons why I feel uneasy about expressing myself in public, particularly if the public is unknown. I feel it comes from years of repression of my feelings and thoughts because I felt they were not worthy.
These sessions are teaching me so much about myself too, and I am beginning to be more mindful of how I express myself so the delivery has the desired impact. I have always got carried away in the past when I have felt strongly about something, I am starting to change this. I still have passion, a lot of, for what I believe but I am calmer about it. It’s like I have realised it’s not a fight, people will be people and they will feel what they feel, whatever I feel. And so I am not so eager to want to show them my point of view because ultimately nobody really cares what you feel, or at least a lot of people who are not awakened. And I have realised it is pointless to try and open someone’s eyes, they will keep them closed because it’s “better that way”, they feel safe in denial. I’d rather not waste my time with those individuals.
I have better things to do with my time, such as enjoy life with my open eyes and heart.
One of those things I am now able to give more of my time to is the Animal Rescue Centre. I try to go there on Sundays, the only day that works for me. Each visit is as rewarding as the other. At the moment I go for one and half to two hours, I am hoping to go longer when I am fitter as I want to walk as many of the dogs there as I can.
Last Sunday when I went, I had the pleasure of getting peed on by a group of puppies I was helping move so their kennel could be cleaned, it was an absolute joy. The puppies and their mother were found in a box dumped somewhere, and it was a pleasure to see they were doing very well. I got to take mum for a walkie too, a very enjoyable one. She is turning out to be a great mum, which is wonderful to see considering her circumstances.
As I was walking Pépé, one of the older dogs there, a lady, who had been sitting in her car, came out and had a chat with me. She said she was disgusted how people could abandon animals like that. I told her I was just grateful for a place like this rescue place. She went back in her car after a while of complaining about people and sat there for another half hour. I am not sure what she was doing there, maybe waiting for someone who was volunteering there, however, I thought, what a waste of time, if she cared so much, maybe she cared to help us walk the dogs.
I am starting to feel less angry with the world, and realising it is what it is. And all I can do, if something bothers me so much, is do my bit about it and hope for the best.
Yes, those dogs may have been abandoned, and it sucks, but what they really need right now is someone to care about them, not complain about their plight. Actions always speak louder than words.
And so I am getting involved where I can to make a difference. I am registered on a few petitions sites and regularly sign their petitions after scanning what the cause is about. Generally always something I agree something should be done about it.
Today I sent a letter to the government about some proposals being talked about which would restrict opposition (people complaining) to take action to stop corporate companies in their tracks. This particular one was about dumping nuclear waste in the Lake Districts. The Lake Districts are one of the few remaining “nature at its best” area of the UK. And the idea of its water being polluted by Nuclear waste appealed me, nearly as much as the idea that this proposal would put a stop to people being able to complain about it. And so I wrote a few choice words, asking them to care as people had less and less power these days.
On the mental health front, I still don’t know how I will contribute in the future, but I am still observing and learning. Oh, I got a response from the psychiatrist I wrote to some time ago by the way. Her letter came soon after I sent mine, I was quite impressed. She waffled a lot of crap though, mainly she was sorry about how her comments had made me feel but from experience medication is the best answer. Waste of a response really. But hey, I wasn’t surprised.
I have a fun psychiatrist who follows me, from a distance somewhat though. My care co-ordinator, who I love, had said she liked him so I wasn’t quite so much on the defensive when I met him, and I was able to truly open up and explained to him how I saw my psychotic episodes as awakenings. He actually understood, which was unexpected! He is of Indian origin though, and I think their brain is wired differently, they have a different understanding about human behaviour I think. And so he seemed quite happy with where I was at and now will only see me for short sessions on occasions just to check I carry on doing well. I have told him I have stopped my meds too and he said he had expected me to after what I said during our first meeting. I did tell him I still have a prescription’s worth at home and will not hesitate to take a low dose should I feel my energy raising too much but so far I have been absolutely fine. As I suspected I would. When you understand what is happening to you (awakening) you fully understand the emotions you are going through and can handle them with ease.
I am starting to take more interest in the wellbeing group at work, I hadn’t realised it is just being launched, in fact February 6th – time to talk day at the time to change movement. My ideas for the wellbeing group are too radical though, although they are well received, they go with the usual “HR wouldn’t go for that” type of attitude. Which actually really pisses me off, because that’s the problem with the world right there. Things have to be just so, a nice little pretense, because we are too worried about upsetting the qui pro quo. But I will hang in there and be patient, Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Yes indeed, I am learning to be patient these days, and it is actually a wonderful skill to have.
On the spiritual front, I am still going here, there and everywhere, seeing what’s out there in the world. I still love Spirit Science best, and I have recently discovered a spin off from the site from a girl called Teal. Ask Teal are her videos and the ones I watched made a lot of sense to me. What I like about her too is that she sometimes contradicts stuff from Spirit Science, and does it in a way that completely make sense, without discrediting Spirit Science.
I fell on an interesting site this morning, which I haven’t had a chance to fully explore yet, but this document came my way and, after starting reading it, I am keen to read the whole lot – especially as it is offered free of charge, my best kind of sharing consciousness. There it is if you fancy taking a look: The Ultimate Truth – The Present.
This is why I am so happy these days. I appreciate each moments. Even the sad ones 🙂
Lastly I am still without a spiritual mentor, which is absolutely fine because at present, the whole world and the people I come across are my mentors, and really, I prefer it that way. I get to decide what to take and what to leave. Just as I like it 🙂