I fell on an advert this morning, entitled Christmas in a Day, it’s actually an hour long film but came up as an advert when I was looking up a video I fancied hearing on Youtube.
There is only one thing that makes me really sad about my Christmas this year which will be spent miles away from all on a desert island. I won’t be with my family, especially my mum.
I feel bad about this because what I am doing is very selfish. Christmas is a time to be with your family and there I am flying off to be on my own.
The bond between my family and I is growing stronger and stronger as I am starting to realise how much they matter to me, and me to them. And a few days ago, I got very worried about how my mother might feel me not being with her for this special time of the year. She seemed fine when I asked her what she would be doing. She said she’d probably spend it with my brother as he too would be alone. It warmed my heart. I have always dreamed of their connection to be better and it seems to be happening, slowly but surely.
And so I have to keep telling myself that this year my family will have to do without me for Christmas. I wish I could fly them there for the day, truly I do.
Why I chose to be away and out of reach is still a bit unclear to me, however, it was one of those decisions I made because it felt right in my heart. Maybe it was to bring me closer still to my family in a strange way.
My mum asked me last week what would be happening for my birthday next May, would she be coming to me or would I be going to hers. There was no other options in her eyes that we would be together. At first, I was on the defensive, who did she think she was to be making plans like this without considering what I had wanted. And then I realised that actually, I love spending my birthday with my family, for it only matters to them, it is celebrating the day I was born and came into their life, for ever. And so from now on I shall be spending each of my birthdays with my family, the only beings that in the end, truly matter to me. I am lucky to have them.
I think Christmas Day this year will be tough for me. I will be missing them dearly and hoping they have a good day. My mum will contact me on the day, she has already asked for the contact details, same as she contacted me on the day of our wedding. She is an amazing woman my mother, I realised how much yesterday morning while bathing.
She has always been there for me, despite all our differences. And as I grow and start appreciating it, our bond gets stronger. I am getting less and less defensive with her as I am starting to understand how deeply she loves me. Being able to feel this unconditional love from her is magic. These past two years in particular she has given me more support than I could have ever hoped for.
Looking back this change started after my marriage breakdown, when I started to push her away because the support she was offering wasn’t what I had needed. I remember very well when the change happened.
I was in Paris with my dad to settle myself before moving back to the UK and I had wanted to meet up with him to show him I was ok. I hadn’t wanted to go to the South, where the rest of my family lived, because I wanted to avoid my mum. During my awakening there, her and I had had a lot of problems. I pushed her away more than ever and only wanted to speak to my dad. I realise now it was because her perception on men wasn’t what I wanted to hear at the time, she was still rather bitter about them.
After Paris, the plan had been that I would go to the South of France to spend a few days before flying to the UK. Things didn’t go too well with my dad in Paris and I decided to skip the South. When I told her the news over the phone, she near enough put the phone down on me. 2 minutes later, she phoned back and apologised and said I should do what felt right for me and she understood.
That was the turning point for us. She accepted me as an individual that day, fully.
There are still a few things we don’t agree on these days but every time we have a disagreement, I understand more what makes her, and really, when I think about it deeply, my mother is an extraordinary person. She has lived situations in her life I would never wish on anyone, from being given two disabled sons to cope with to my parents’ divorce, where my dad did the usual man thing and went off with inappropriate ladies straight away, with little respect of the fact that she was still dealing with the breakup, one of those ladies being a friend of hers. We have a lot in common her and I, more than I had realised.
So I shall be spending my birthdays with my family from now on, like it is Christmas, as, at the end of the day, it is my special day 🙂 Last year was very special, my mother, dad, brother and I went for our first meal together for the first time in ever. We enjoyed a Chinese and a glass of champagne outside the restaurant, then I spent the rest of the afternoon at my brother’s watching French films. Probably one of the best Birthdays in my life, after my 30th, which was a very special strange evening, and 40th spent in Canada, which was a very special day for me, made all the more special as my best friend V gave me 40 little gifts, all stuff that meant something to me and to her. I am glad my mother was there too.
As for Christmas this year, who knows what will happen but that’s part of the adventure 🙂