I have been battling with something recently.
It all started after I finished my love video and wrote my entry about choosing to stay single. Within hours of publishing it, one of those guys I had met last year got in touch with me, rather out of the blue, saying he wanted to meet up.
At first I said no and explained I wasn’t looking for this at the moment. The morning after I changed my mind. I remembered the chemistry between us and it was literally electric. He is a young attractive boxer with a dream body who, for some reason, thinks the world of me sexually. He has had many young attractive girls in his life yet he always says the experience he had with me sexually was the best he has ever had. And he says it because he means it, as, I have told him many times, he doesn’t need to flatter me to get anywhere with me.
This got me thinking about sex a lot in the past few days and my relationship with it.
I have so many “preconceived” ideas about sex and have had such a negative experience of it until earlier this year that I am needing to unlearn everything at the moment and re-discover who I really am. And this past year has been an amazing journey on this aspect. Time to take stock.
Because of my first sexual experience, I always saw sex as shameful. It followed me through all my relationships and it wasn’t until I was 30 that I had my first orgasm, and this was self made too. I hadn’t masturbated up until then because I didn’t see the point.
Still though, I felt it was shameful. When I met my husband, I was more liberated than I had been, however something went wrong in our sexual connection from the very start. I had wanted to wait a while before becoming intimate and I am not sure he understood why and took it as I wasn’t interested in sex. And so our whole intimate relationship was a shamble. Up until a few months before we split up, when I had finally realised how much I loved him and I started to want to have a better intimate relationship but by then he had given up on me so things went from bad to worse for him. Until he couldn’t “do it” anymore. In fact, this is how we split up. We were walking home from a party V had thrown and on the way back I had this urge to connect with him sexually and told him so and that’s when he said he couldn’t do it anymore.
After my year long mourning, I started dating again and had a few sexual encounters. The best ones were with people where there would be no relationships.
I started a friends with benefits thing with a guy I had met and with him I pushed the boundaries of new experiences and we had fun, whilst I was still on dating sites and open to a relationship.
Then I met the America Guy. I believe he was looking for a relationship and so I cut the ties I had with my friends with benefits to give this a chance.
The guy was nowhere near ready for a relationship it soon transpired and I sure wasn’t going to be in one with someone like him. Yet, I hang in there because being with him taught me a hell of a lot about myself and what I wanted, it also opened my eyes that I had still been using alcohol to express myself openly and fully, which enabled me to stop when I realised this.
The sex however was out of this world. But because we had entered into some kind of emotional connection, it messed things up. And when I finally finished with him, it was tough because I was giving up on the sexual connection too. I remember him emailing me some time after when I had told him I was missing him and he said “you are saying you miss the sex?”. I said no I didn’t, it was so much more than that. But now, thinking about it, I realise he was right. I was missing the sex.
I have always had this notion in my head that you can’t have good sex if there isn’t an emotional connection too. I am now realising this is incorrect. Some of the best sexual encounters I have had were with people who didn’t mean anything to me. I am not saying I didn’t like them of course, but I never saw them as potential partners. Same as I do with his boxer chap.
The whole thing really confused me when he texted me and I have been fighting conflicting ideas in my head about how I felt about sex. For I know that when I meet “the one”, I want to wait before we have sexual intercourse because I want our love to be the purest possible, and sex to be the ultimate connection between us. And so it will have to wait until we are sure we are truly connected. Yet, in the meantime, I now realise there are no reasons why I can’t enjoy sex with guys. Just so long as I bare in mind it is just sex, a physical release, a means to feel alive and explore who I am even further. What I love, what I don’t, and simply discover my carnal needs and that of someone else.
Whether we will meet or not will remain to be seen as in the past, we have arranged to meet a few times and he never turned up. He has issues of his own, unrelated to me. So we shall see. I am not bothered either way truth be told. I am just glad his message came as it was clear I had needed to think about that aspect of me.
Now I know I can enjoy myself should opportunities come my way. There’s no shame in it.