Money, dirty money

I have come to a blockage in my journey that I just don’t know how to clear. My relationship with money. I hate money, with a vengeance. 

This hatred came to a point when I lost my dog. When he was fighting for his life at the Vets, it all came down to money. They quoted me over £1000 to try and figure out what was wrong with him. I was faced with the question of how much his life was worth. That dog meant everything to me, his life was priceless but I just didn’t have that kind of money. I had already paid the same amount to have him shipped back from Canada a few months earlier. I was scared of my uncertain future financially having to start with very little and I just couldn’t see how I could afford to pay those costs. So I started to frantically call my husband, hoping he could tell me a way. I phoned him, over and over but he never answered his phone.

The vet then told me as she saw how lost I was that this cost wouldn’t guarantee they could save him. She told me it would be kinder to put him to sleep as he was in a lot of pain already.

And so I took the decision to put him to sleep. But the thought that money may have saved him never left me. And more to the point if we hadn’t moved to Canada two years prior to follow my husband’s dream of a better job, he would have still be insured and that would have covered any costs needed to make him better. When I think about the whole thing, the only thought that keeps me going is what that vet said. It wouldn’t guarantee making him better and he was in a lot of pain.

These days, I earn just enough money to cover my bills and living expenses. This trip to Zanzibar is absolute madness financially for me. I dread to think how much it is actually costing me, between flights, accommodation, visa, airport transportation, jabs, insurance etc etc. But it was something I dreamed about 2 years ago and I felt it was time to do it, whatever the future brings for me financially, as I am dipping deep into my only savings for it.

8 years ago, I got a windfall. I sold the flat I owned before my husband and I got married and it sold for a major profit. Now, I have very little of this left. And when I think what I can show for it, the answer is nothing. Yes, it enabled me to buy the house I am in with a mortgage I can just about afford, although I am only paying the interest these days so not paying it off at all. The money also enabled us to move to Canada, and that costs a bomb, plus I was out of work for 7 months there so it helped. The rest was spent on travelling and yes indeed we had some great holidays to Zanzibar. But I cannot account for most of that windfall. Makes me realise we must have partied away/drunk most of it.

I have always been lucky in life financially, I have always had work, my parents have helped me  at the right times in my life and I am also money savvy. I might have nothing much now and not planned for the future, but at least I have no debts. I have also always lived within my means, an art these days it seems. And most of what I really love doing is free or costs next to nothing. So on the whole I cannot complain. And luckily I am doing a job I love, even if I am earning some £3000 less now than I was earning 3 years ago. 

But stories like my dog, or people who cannot pay for their healthcare, or the fact that celebrities earn a disgusting amount of money and live in their little castles while the other half of the population dies of starvation or people sleep rough really bugs me. Money in this world is a big waste. There is definitely enough to solve all the world’s problems yet, nothing is solved.

My problem is this Law of Attraction. There’s a part that focusses on the financial aspect. I find it hard to project/visualise financial freedom when I hate money so much. I haven’t been able to start on the most important part of my Life Project videos, which is the one relating to me, and I realised it’s because of this money blockage. Yes, I want financial freedom so I can do all the travelling I am dreaming of, and live the life I want, but I cannot incorporate money into it. I just cannot. I am stuck.

Ah well…I am sure the answer will come to me in due course.

 

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By newpaz Tagged

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