I realised something quite special tonight in the floatation tank. For the very first time in my life, I am truly independent, emotionally and financially.
Since disconnecting from Facebook, I have no attachment to anyone whatsoever. I might get the very occasional text or email from a contact but on the whole, my inbox is empty, receiving the odd message from sites I have registered with, like the petition sites for example but nothing needing my attention. My phone rarely beeps either, although I enjoy an occasional banter with a friend or two or sometimes a deeper chat with my only friend at the moment, friend who puts no pressure on me whatsoever. He is just there, as I am for him.
I have absolutely no-one in my life at the moment, apart from my family of course, with my mum and dad calling me regularly for news, and my brother and I very occasionally chatting via Whatsapp.
Two years ago, this thought of being so totally alone sent me into a deep depression, today, I feel a strange sense of achievement and peace. I have finally succeeded putting my life back on track literally unaided and if anything with added obstacles to make the ride all the more interesting (I am thinking psychosis here).
I have no addictions/crutches either, apart from smoking but to be honest, I have thought about it recently and realised, at the moment, I enjoy it and it has enabled me to have some amazing random encounters these past few weeks. I know I will stop one day, but I will decide when. Smoking doesn’t alter your mind like alcohol or pot does, it only affects your health.
There is absolutely no-one around to tell me what I should do, judge me, advise me, comment on my actions, tell me how I should live my life.
I had also noticed when I was observing awakened people or people in the midst of awakening that there is a big struggle with the Ego during that period. And this need to “deal with it”. I never cared much. I understood I had an Ego, we all do, but I never wanted to force anything. I felt it would sort itself out. There was also this need to help others awaken.
Well, since I am now truly independent and disconnected, my Ego doesn’t appear to exist anymore, for it has nothing to feed on. No-one cares about my thoughts anymore and they are all mine. The only place I share them is on this blog and since there are no comments and only the occasional like, I have no clue who is reading it and whether it has any effect on them.
It is the most liberating feeling actually to know that my deeper thoughts matter to no-one. I no longer need to debate any of them with anyone, and more importantly I really don’t care what anyone else thinks or how they choose to live their life.
And so every thought and every decisions I make these days are my own only and for my own benefit and happiness.
I do anything I want these days. I visit with friends when I want, I sleep when I want, I listen to the music I want to listen to, I read when I want, I buy what I want, I volunteer at the Rescue place when I want, I float when I want, I eat what and when I want – which reminds me, I have decided against doing this BeyondDiet thing. When I looked into it after my entry the other night, the first two weeks were pretty regimented of what you should eat and when, I decided it wasn’t for me.
I quite like the idea that no-one has any power over me, my thoughts or my feelings right now or say over my life.
My only constant is my work, however this is a joy to me, with an added bonus that it enables me to earn money to keep financially independent. And my cats, who pretty much do what they want and only need me for food.
All the rest in my life just flows as and when I feel like it. And that shows me exactly who I am.
For instance, I now know I am a tidy person, my laundry basket is generally empty, my dishes done and the place looking tidy.
I am also pretty organised, I rarely run out of milk or food, petrol etc.
Something else I have discovered recently which amuses me. I am not very keen on time, I wear no watch, there are no clocks in my house, not even an alarm clock (I use my phone when I need one), yet I am always on time, sometimes dead on, anywhere I commit to a time. Talk about being punctual.
I am starting to realise that only by being truly disconnected from people can you truly appreciate each moments, each encounters, each experience.
I have no fears and no anxiety, I have no worries about the future, and I am extremely grateful for my past, the good, the bad and the ugly.
I understand fully the pain I do feel on occasions and I welcome it as it enables me to deal with something or other than needs dealing with.
I am starting to realise I need no-one…which means I am finally complete. Wow!