In my last post, I talked about Ego and how by disconnecting myself from things and people my Ego was left with nothing to feed on.
I fell on a video this morning from Ask Teal about Ego – How Ego Comes Through the Back Door, and it made me realise that this state of disconnection can be dangerous.
Whilst I believe I need this time out to explore who I am without distractions from the “normal world”, I am by no means wanting to stay disconnected. I see this time as needed to better understand my being. I still love people, I still love the world. However, I want to find the best way for me to contribute to it. And by being distracted by others I don’t feel I am going to find what I need.
I have a friend, whom I have never met and with whom I had a very deep connection in the past, when we shared very deep thoughts, argued even, but felt so connected to. We have never met because he never wanted to. I think he felt scared.
He is an interesting character to say the least, he doesn’t work and seems to spend his whole life working on his house. He doesn’t sleep and lives on coffee he says. When I say he doesn’t sleep, he literally doesn’t. Which is why at the beginning when we started chatting – we “met” through a dating site – I was very cautious. I know what sleep deprivation is like for I suffered from it badly two years ago. I do know it brings a sense of higher consciousness which can be exhilarating but ultimately I know it doesn’t enable you to live in reality.
Recently, he reconnected with his first love and had a little thing with her – unfortunately she is married, so my friend got really messed up by the experience. And, last I checked on him, he has now fully disconnected from the world. He hasn’t seen anyone for weeks, has no-one in his life and feels better for it, he says.
In my current disconnection state, I worry about him. Because he is using disconnection as a way to escape reality. I am using it to better understand it.
Although being disconnected is an interesting and sometimes fun experience, it is not a state I want to stay in too long. Because I love people.
My disconnection is enabling me to take stock of my being and find a way to better serve the world around me.
I have found I don’t want to be “different” – I would much prefer being nobody – yet, I feel special. But not “better”. This is the confusion I feel at the moment and that I am trying to make sense out of.
I still feel lonely too. But I am convinced that this is only a temporary state of play. I need this time out to fully process who I am, my mistakes, and more to the point, find out my dreams before they can be realised.
For 43 years I have escaped reality any way I could, without even realising it. When I stopped the drinking, I was suddenly faced with it. I am lucky that I instantly liked who I was without the booze, however I still had to process what made me escape the world for so long.
The whole purpose of this journey for me is not to disconnect from the world completely, it is to reconnect better.
By giving my Ego nothing to feed on, I can better understand it. I know it is still here though thanks to the few constants I still have in my life and all the reading and researching I am doing too and my reaction to it. Every little bit of connection I experience, I feel my Ego is learning too.
I know my Ego will always be here, but I don’t want it to be what drives me. I want my deeper self to drive me instead.