The Men not in my life

Well, as I suspected, Young Boxer Guy did his usual AWOL 24 hours before we were due to meet. I really don’t understand what is going on with him. I don’t care much to be honest, but he sure has me intrigued. This is probably the 4th time this has happened. He “disappears” 24 hours before we are due to meet, then pops back up some time in the future, gives me an explanation or other why he couldn’t turn up, asks me if I fancy meeting up again, I usually end up saying yes, because truth be told I wouldn’t mind seeing him again, if anything to see if the chemistry is still there, and then he goes and disappears 24 hours to meet up time!

One of my work mates, who knows about him because he is a boxer too, told me to let him go. I explained I had as I never try to get in touch with him after he goes AWOL, once or twice I have even deleted his number from my phone. And invariably he will get in touch again, sometimes after 3 weeks, sometimes a few months, like this last time. And I really don’t understand why he does that. Maybe he is addicted to the fantasy of it? Who knows. 

On the way back from work though I started to think about this sexual thing and decided that really, I don’t care whether I get to have it or not at the moment. Deep down, I still just want true love. I don’t feel any shame anymore having “casual sex”, however I just don’t “need” it. And so yes, if the opportunity presents itself, I’ll consider it, but I am not seeking it. And when you are not seeking something, it doesn’t present itself.

There are a couple of people from my recent past I wouldn’t hesitate to meet up if they came back into my life, for the purpose of sex, one being my old friend with benefits. But I know it won’t happen.

My friend with benefit and I tried to meet up recently, since I was no longer with the American Guy (AG) but it ended up badly.

We had kept in touch throughout my relationship with AG, as we were friends too, and a month or so ago, we had arranged to meet up and go to a tribute band concert in my town. As the event grew closer, I pushed him away. I realised after that it was because I was worried he would get drunk at the concert and I cannot bear to see people I care about drunk these days. Because I know what it means – escaping their reality and therefore hurting, and he would get drunk regularly at weekends. The idea of seeing him drunk started to worry me and, as his excitement about meeting up seemed to slow down a few days before the event, I suggested he could cancel if he changed his mind. He said he’d let me know. That convinced me he wasn’t that interested and so I told him maybe we should forget about meeting up. He got quite angry with me for my comment and things didn’t go well after and we agreed not to be in touch anymore.

I now realise it was for the best in any case because I cared, and still do, deeply about him, which isn’t a good basis for a friend with benefit arrangement. I lost a good friend too that evening it all happened. I miss him still. Luckily I deleted his number from my phone that night and so I can’t contact him. I think of him often though. Him and I really had a special connection.

So anyway, this blogger won’t be having sex any time soon 😉

By newpaz Tagged

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