My deepest fear

Last Thursday, I found out something about me that I hadn’t realised I had: a fear of failure.

It all came out at the Public Speaking class. I had been given some exercise to learn some tongue twisters, task which I found really easy, and I even surprised myself how quickly I learned them, it took me reading each sentence twice before they became ingrained in my mind. I have noticed this little skill of mine in the past, I have an interesting memory. I can remember a variety of “useless” information, such as phone numbers etc, yet I choose to not remember other information which may be more useful. It all depends what I consciously decide to remember.

Anyway, so I went to my class, feeling pretty pleased with myself that I knew those phrases inside out, I had practiced on friends and workmates, yet I was feeling anxious. It was one thing to do this in front of people I knew and felt comfortable with, it was another to do it in front of the “master”.

And without fail, I messed them up the first go, and the third. I would get it right, then do it again and get it wrong. I was starting to feel frustrated with myself and I guess he saw that and, after trying to reassure me I had done a great job, we moved on to another exercise. Which again I didn’t do too well at. Well, he said I did fine, but in my heart, I didn’t. I had got what he wanted out of me, yet I had struggled doing it, and I was getting more and more frustrated and annoyed with myself.

As I left the class, I felt a bit deflated. Suddenly, now I was struggling, it wasn’t so enjoyable anymore. Yet that made me happy. At last, I was learning something. I knew I was learning because I knew I wasn’t “that good” at it.

I still don’t know why I am doing these classes as I have no plans to speak publicly, however I am all the more excited that I am doing them now. At last I am pushing my boundaries properly, and it feels good.

I have since been thinking about what happened that evening and why I felt so annoyed and frustrated with myself when I got it wrong. And I realised I had a fear of failure.

I am confused about that fear because, when I look at my past, all I see is achievements, some, many people would never dream of attempting – I have successfully established myself in the UK from France at the age of 19, I am entirely bilingual, I have travelled a lot, sometimes on my own, I have moved to Canada and back within a two year period, I have dealt with the trauma of losing the man I loved and two years on, I am on the right path. I have never been out of work unless I had wanted to. I started my own business in Canada which became successful within a couple of months of launching, my most memorable achievement has been to be a Reporter in English, for a local newspaper in Canada, and I was, from the feedback I received, very much liked by the locals.

All this clearly demonstrate that when I want something, it happens. I don’t even have work hard at it as all my past achievements just happened, I never struggled to make any happen. I wanted it and I did it – that simple.

Yet, I seem to have a fear of failure.

So this morning, I decided to check Ask Teal if she had anything to say about it, but couldn’t find anything. So I widened my search to the web and found something that answered my questions.

It isn’t a fear of failure I have, it’s a fear of success! (thank you tinybuddha).

And this is why I still haven’t started on my life video. My dreams are bigger than life, my ultimate dream is for the world to be a better place, heaven on earth, as I thoroughly believe it is possible. However how is little old me going to make that happen? Especially when I much prefer being a nobody, as I mentioned in a previous post. I don’t want fame and fortune, I don’t want “followers”, I don’t want to be recognised. I just want to be me and carry on in my life unnoticed.

I had also mentioned in a previous post that most awakened people have this drive to help others awaken, and I am very thankful for it, because they have helped me on my path without a doubt. Yet, I don’t have that drive.

My drive is to make a difference to this world. I want to know that, when I die, this world is going to be ok. Better than ok even. I want to know that abuse of any kind is gone and all people live happy and helping each other out to keep the fragile balance of existence.

Luckily, recently, I have seen a lot of amazing news that this is starting to happen. People everywhere are definitely waking up to the reality man has created and are working together to right the wrongs. It is really heartwarming. I just wish I could contribute to this somehow.

And this is when my faith and patience come into it so I don’t feel too frustrated. I know one day my answer will come to me and it will all come together. I just have to be patient. And have faith. God and I had a “little chat” the night before my psychosis, and I agreed to leave my fate in his hands. For He knows best.

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