As I was playing again this morning, I decided I shan’t be doing that anymore.
To get me in the mood, I usually think of situations that turn me on, and there were a few with AG that were sure to get me in the mood but as the memories are fading, so is the excitement.
It got me thinking about the whole thing and I have decided that masturbation is a completely selfish pleasure and in the end, it is just not enjoyable. If anything it is pretty sad that one has to recourse to it.
I have always had a problem with masturbation, and this is why I never did it until I was 30. Even then, I only did it because the guy I was with had made me realise that there was something I needed to investigate. I had never had an orgasm before and felt close to it with him and so I thought I’d best check out what was going on – the very first orgasm I had was so intense that my jaw locked open. Which was pretty freaky too and a problem I suffer every since, going to the dentist is a nightmare because of the thought of it happening!
Two years ago, when I had my first awakening, I decided to bin all the vibrators I had – my husband, bless him in his quest to make me happy had bought me a wide variety of them – except he never used them on me. And so they were left mainly untouched. So off they went in the bin before I moved back to the UK – at that time in any case, I was so distraught about what happened that sexual pleasure was the last thing on my mind.
In the past year, I have been exposed to people’s behaviour towards masturbation through some of my encounters. Yes, I quite liked the feeling that men would think of me while masturbating, but I became more and more uncomfortable with this knowledge. It peaked when I started talking to that friend of mine who never sleeps. When we started chatting, we were flirting with each other, no doubt about it, and one day, he never replied for a couple of hours and I asked him where he had been, he said he had been masturbating, after speaking with me. I actually recoiled when he said that, and I told him I didn’t want to know about what he was doing, we had a bit of a heated debate, during which I found out he did that regularly, several times a day. My initial thoughts were how can he do this over me when he hasn’t even met me? And then I thought there was something badly wrong with him if he did that several times a day. Our connection suffered that day too because he wasn’t happy with me that he couldn’t tell me about it, as he felt we were able to tell each other everything and as this was such an important part of his life, we had a problem. I was fine with that, it sure wasn’t going to change my mind.
The other occasion I realised I wasn’t happy with the whole thing was when I was dating AG. I tried to explain to him how it made me feel when he told me he had masturbated. Basically, I felt cheated, I wanted to be the one pleasuring him. And I felt annoyed that he couldn’t wait to see me before pleasing himself. I think he understood eventually because he reduced it. Again though, I found out through our chats that it was something he did a lot of, especially when he was feeling annoyed or frustrated.
Well, I have decided this morning I don’t want to be pleasing myself anymore, I want someone else to. Like AG did, take me to places I have never been before, and frankly a bit of vibrating plastic is not going to do this to me.
Whilst speaking about American Guy, I have a confession to make. He has been in my thoughts a lot recently and I am trying really hard not to email him, and keep to my word that I shall “fuck off” as he asked me so nicely when we had our fall out about whether it was acceptable fpr me to send his son a Christmas present.
Man, this still caring for all the guys that have been in my life sucks at times. Still, I’d rather have my heart filled with affection and love than bitterness and resentment 🙂