Back to being alone

Last night was my first time alone in my house again. I was wondering how it would feel not to have Sam sleep on my bed, as he had gone by the time I got home last night, but it was actually fine. I even got a little treat this morning when one of my cats came to give me a bit of love. They sure adapted to Sam being gone really quickly and were back roaming the house in no time! 🙂

As I went into my lodger’s bedroom this morning to turn the radiator off which was on full blast, my eyes fell on a photo album he had in a drawer lying on the floor which looked like it contained his paperwork, and I couldn’t help but take a peek. I love photos, they give you an instant feel for someone’s life and what matters to them.

As I sat on his bed and looked through it, I saw a very different side of him, in fact, I saw the side I knew he had, and this is why I helped him out when he found himself homeless and was determined not to leave things as they were heading. He was there for me in my deepest need, when I was going through depression and he came night after night to walk Frodo with me, my only human contact outside of work, and he did this despite his girlfriend, who had fallen out with me, disapproving. I will never ever forget that.

Photos were of his family in the olden days, many of his children with big smiles, himself looked so happy and proud when photographed with them. Some were loose at the back and fell to the floor. As I picked them and looked through them, I saw they were of Sam when he was younger, his youngest child, who is autistic, and a couple of my friend, who he dated for a few years, the one who didn’t approve of him walking Frodo with me.

This man has a big heart, however clumsy he is in his life and expressing his emotions.

I now realise, yet again, the women who came into his life made him the person he is now. I remember him telling me about his first wife and how she had betrayed him and, as I was listening to him tell me the story, I realised how much he was hurting still. And his choice of partners since just repeated the pattern. He is desperate for love and, as is usually the case in those cases, he looks for it in all the wrong places.

And thinking back of the comment he made that prisoners should be raped, when I questioned him on what he was saying at the time, he eventually came up with “well those who have killed children, innocent little children” – which shows his heart in the right place.

I do hope he has found happiness with my friend. She seems a nice person with a good heart too, and, as she has been single for 17 years, hopefully she has spent enough time looking inwards and learning how to treat people, in particular men.

If not though, I have told him I would always be there for me if he needs me again. And I truly mean it.

And I have said the same to his girlfriend. I realise now I felt let down by her for not trying to calm him down so his departure wouldn’t be so dramatic. But I understand she probably chose not to get involved and that’s fair enough.

I don’t need either of them in my life – I don’t need anyone these days – but I shall be there for them should they need me again.

It’s a funny thing really after my post on friendships yesterday. I just cannot stop be there for people no matter what they have done to me it seems. I guess that comes from being whole. I am happy to have no friends, yet, I am happy if others need me to be theirs, whenever they do. Or maybe it comes from the fact that I see people for what they are these days, damaged, yet lovable. 

Everyone is born pure. Life shapes you into someone else. Just because I have chosen to face my demons and become as pure as I can again doesn’t mean I have to give up on those who won’t or simply can’t. In fact, recently, I have found I have developed a lot of compassion for my fellow human beings. Particularly the hardened ones. For they struggle the most.

By newpaz

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