All good things come to an end. I have decided tonight during my floatation session what my new blog will be and sadly this one will need to end.
Blogs, like anything, don’t last for ever. They have a purpose. This one for me was to “find my true self” and no longer to be a “problem” to the world. I feel I have now achieved this, or at least I am on the right track and so it is time to finish it. And to be honest, I am getting tired of thinking and processing now, I feel I am on the right track and it is time to go back into life again. Now seems a good time to wrap things up as I am about to have my complete break from the world in a few days.
However, before I go, I said I would talk about my second psychosis and so I shall.
I have debated whether I should, because the problem is what happened to me was so surreal no-one can understand or relate. Absolutely no-one. But I said I would so I will try and recount the main things before I go.
Over the weekend before my psychosis, I started to feel extremely happy. I felt utterly free. And it kinda went to my head.
And God came to find me – I hadn’t really believed he existed before. During a weird experience, he said he would grant me my wish – now, if you have been following this blog, you will know that my wish has always been to be truly happy. Pure and simple.
I had become a very happy person already, as you can see from the early entries in my blog but to be truly happy would require a hell of a lot – I would need to know this world will be ok and abuse of any kind is gone.
Now you can see why I got over the top happy when God told me he would grant my wish. I had this feeling inside that I had saved the world that night I got my wish.
Part of me being truly happy would be to be with my true love too. And, as I have mentioned before, I felt my husband was it.
The night before the big event, my thoughts got truly derailed and I started to hear voices in my head, not external voices though, and I “was told” my true love would be waiting for me in my garage.
That night, I had spent a good long moment grieving heavily about my dog, sat on one of my armchairs, clutching his ashes and feeling total despair that he was gone and how alone I was in this world now.
It wasn’t long after that that voices invaded my head and were telling me all sorts of stuff that drove me a bit insane. Who were those voices and what were they doing talking to me, why were they invading my being, I kept wondering.
And when they told me about my true love waiting for me in the garage, I felt extremely happy until I realised it couldn’t possibly be true. And anyway, my husband, who I believed was my true love, didn’t want me and so wouldn’t be there.
Then I started to believe that everyone in the world would soon be re-united with their true love and that made me really happy, even if I wasn’t to be with mine.
But I wasn’t happy with hearing those voices, as they seemed to be fighting with each other who would take over my mind and that really unsettled me, some were good, some were bad, but they all started to dispute with each other who I should be listening to. And they started to drive me insane.
I said to God I couldn’t live like that, with all the voices in my head, and he told me to trust him, he wouldn’t let me down. And I believed him. I had true faith in him. Something I have never experienced before.
So I went to take a bath as I didn’t know what else to do and one by one, as I started to relax, the voices started to stop until I could hear only my thoughts. I eventually came out of the bath and went to sleep.
The morning of the big event, which was a Tuesday and I was due back at work, I woke up feeling I was Eve.
I decided not to bother with work “Today is going to be MY day, where I’ll do what the hell I want”.
I was planning to call work later to let them know I wasn’t well and wouldn’t come in. I was going to have all the fun I wanted, call them when I felt like it, spend most of the day messing around on Facebook and listening to music.
The day started well enough, I enjoyed a cigarette and a tea in my back garden, it was a beautiful day, and I was feeling very happy, content.
Then I started to hear planes, a lot of them, which puzzled me, and started to notice the whole neighbourhood was becoming very noisy. I guess I was never home on a work day so it may have been normal but it felt wrong to me. And I wanted time to stop so I could start my ideal day all over again.
Suddenly all the noise stopped and all I could hear were the birds tweeting in the trees. And I thought that was really weird.
I started to freak out that I actually had the power to do anything in the world – that my wishes would be his command (God’s) and I got extremely anxious – I didn’t think I could handle that power. I didn’t think I wanted that power.
I started to walk around my garden table in circles, very much like prisoners do I remember thinking, and trying to settle my thoughts after what I had realised (that I had the power to change the world). I was getting very anxious realising what it meant, how decisions I would take might have a negative effect that I wouldn’t realise until after, how I might render a lot of people unhappy despite thinking I was doing good. How I would really need to think hard about my every word and actions because I knew nothing of the human race and I wanted everyone to be saved and so I needed to get a full understanding of everything and everyone.
And I gradually became more and more angry. Angry with humankind for being so shit that I ended up in that position, and with God for giving up on us, man and woman, and being so hard on us. I wanted to prove to him he had got it wrong and us mere mortals were worth saving.
I became very defiant of God. On the middle of the table I had been walking aroudn was an apple, from my apple tree. I don’t like apples much. But I kept looking at that apple as if it was teasing me. Eventually I grabbed it and took a big chunk out of it and screamed at God “See, it wasn’t that hard was it, nothing bad is going to happen to me, why shouldn’t I eat that blasted Apple” and I laughed out loud – of course I was referring to Eve’s big mistake in the garden of Eden. And then I told him in an humorous voice: “Fine, if you really want me to do that (save the world), I shall, I don’t like the idea it rests on my shoulders but fine, I’ll do it, I’ll deal with the mistakes I make but I shall try and do as good a job as I can”.
Then I decided to visit my neighbour. I really really wanted to have a beer and a fag with her, and tell her what just happened. Get reassurance that we, women, could do it, as men had made such a mess of it since the beginning of time.
By then, I didn’t care about anything and left my front door open when I left – my own safety/little world meant nothing anymore compared to the task I had just taken on. I have since found out that freaked some of my friends who came to check up on me as they were worried I would have done something silly after seeing some of my posts on facebook the previous night.
I had put my trust in God the previous day don’t forget and so I didn’t care about leaving my door open, I had no fear – in fact, earlier that morning, when I went to the shops, I had left it wide open too and that turned out to be a good thing as it enabled the postlady to leave a big envelope of sunflower seeds that my mum had sent me.
And anyway, what would be the worst that could happen? Possessions mean nothing to me and I had nothing to “keep safe” anymore, my cats were independent and my dog was no longer with me. I wasn’t scared of the world either. But yes granted, I can see how that came across – definitely out of character.
Anyway, I went to my neighbour’s to have that beer, fag and chat – I hadn’t drunk for a while by then. I didn’t want to get drunk, I just wanted to enjoy the simple pleasure of having a beer and a fag with a friend, and put the world to right. It was about 10 ish in the morning.
The events that followed are a bit of blur. But I remember some of the main points.
It started nice enough, I had a beer and a fag and we started chatting about stuff. Then I relaxed more and told her what had happened to me and what my task was and she became more and more agitated – she told me I was starting to worry her. I was trying to reassure her all would be fine but she just wouldn’t settle and became very anxious. Eventually she insisted she needed to go to the shops to get more cigarettes. I tried to convince her not to go, and said to her “people shouldn’t know I am at yours, if someone finds out, hoards of people will come here”. But that made her want to go all the more. Looking back, I think she became scared of me.
Anyway, she didn’t listen to me and we went out – within minutes we were found by two of the friends I had a fallen out with the previous Friday who were outside my garage for some reason – I have since found out that it was because they thought I had gone in there to kill myself bless them, but in my mind, there were there for another reason – I thought they somehow knew what had happened the night before and were there to find their true love. So when I saw them there, I whispered to my neighbour they were evil (for somehow, they had got into my thoughts) and we had to hide back at hers. And so we went back to hers.
A little while later, people started to arrive at her house, first, if I remember correctly, was a social worker type of lady but she went out after a while to make some phone calls. I noticed when I looked outside to see what she was doing that there seems to be a few people out there, cops, medics types.
Then two cops, a girl and a guy came in – I took an instant dislike to the girl, and believed she was a Jehovah’s Witness for some reason. I felt very comfortable with the guy though.
And a weird “game” started to happen, where I trusted only him and my friend, and I had a little signal to check who I could trust, who got it – the guy instantly got the signal without me saying anything – that was a bit weird.
I started to believe that if I spoke to either him or my friend looking them straight in the eyes using the signal, the other person/people present wouldn’t hear me. My friend knew the signal as I had told her straight away when we started chatting.
This went on for a while and I guess I was trying to convince the guy cop that all was good and they could make their way out and get on with doing their job where it was actually needed.
Then more people started to arrive, more cops and then two male psychiatrists.
I started to feel like a trapped animal. I wanted all of them out of there but tried as I may, they weren’t going to leave.
I would sit there and smoke a cigarette wondering how I was going to get out of this mess, and the room would go quiet, I was getting really frustrated and fed up of the situation I got myself into – this sure wasn’t the idea of my ideal day!
Then people started to get agitated and all tried to “reason” with me and it got quite noisy and it annoyed me. I wanted them to shut up and more to the point, I didn’t see what I was doing wrong.
Anyway, after a while, I got fed up with the whole circus and decided if they wanted to see the real me, see how “dangerous” I was, I would show them. And so I got up and took all my clothes off, including my rings, and for good measure, I peed on the floor. There, this was how dangerous I was.
My neighbour absolutely freaked out and went upstairs to fetch me a dressing gown. I couldn’t care less – I felt I had no shame who I was. And it was there for all of them weirdos (mainly men as it happens) to see.
This is what freaked them out and they decided I should be contained. They put me on the floor and tried to wrap me up into something to carry me away.
I was furious, screaming for the whole world to hear – how badly I was being treated by those “professional men” when I had done nothing wrong. How corrupted and untrusthworthy they all were.
I remember turning my head to look at my neighbour and screaming at her how could she let this happen to me, her face showed the pain, fear and shock she was feeling, she was holding on to her dog very tight and crying.
It took a few men and a lot of time to contain little old me for some reason. All I was doing was lying face down on the floor and screaming for them to leave me alone and especially take the handcuffs off that they had put as they were hurting me terribly, the pain was excruciating, the most pain I have ever felt in my life, I believe I have spoken about the handcuffs before, and how surprised I was the following day that my wrists were not bruised at all.
By then, I believe a few people had gathered outside my neigbours’ house, alerted by the screaming (she had opened the window earlier in the morning as it was getting awfully hot in her house) and the cop cars outside her house, to see what the hell was going on.
I was then transported somewhere – I was hoping they would take me home where I desperately wanted to be, where I felt safe – but I realised very quickly they weren’t.
That ride to wherever they were taking me was interesting too…a lot of weird stuff happened and I wanted to speak to the cops who took me there about it a few weeks after the event and asked my care co-ordinator if she could arrange it – she was quite surprised by my request, said no-one had ever asked that before and she would see what she could do – but I have decided against it since, I don’t know why, but I have realised it doesn’t matter what they experienced, all that matters is what I did at the end of the day – and anyway if anyone had been that worried about it, they know where I live and I would now welcome them to speak to them. I am no longer scared of people in authority.
When I got to wherever they took me – I was left in isolation for 24 hours in a safe room, where there was a glass room where two women would look on to me to make sure nothing bad happened to me.
I don’t think I will ever share what happened in this room, let’s just say some deep processing took place. My mind went all over the place and eventually back. Eventually, it stopped and they took me out and I was totally back to myself.
And you can see from my blog how I have been doing ever since. I am very happy with the life I have, I know it’s not my calling but I love it nonetheless. Things have settled quite nicely since my awakening and I have a lot to be grateful about – I feel very lucky to have awakened and able to appreciate my life now.
My next blog is going to be the world through Eve’s eyes. And I am hoping people from all walks of life can help her prove she is right, that this world and its people are amazing, and worth helping.
It will be anonymous for I am every woman, hoping to find Adam and live back at the Garden of Eden again and be happy ever after, surrounded by animals, nature and people with good hearts.
Isn’t that everyone’s wish?