This morning was a tough one, I have had to make decisions on my friendship with my (ex) lodger’s girlfriend, who he met through me as she was a friend.

I texted her this morning to tell her I felt the news was pretty shitty (referring to the way it happened) but wished her well with him. I had decided our friendship was over. She replied, trying to justify him moving so quickly by saying they had been talking about him moving in for some time – they met some 6 weeks ago – and she hoped it wouldn’t affect our friendship. I said it had, but not for the reason she might think. I roughly explained why, but really, I couldn’t be bothered to explain properly. She wouldn’t have got it. In fact, I don’t think many people understand my stance on friendships. Which has changed dramatically since my awakening, and of course since what happened with my best friend V in Canada.

You see, I have very high standards for love these days, and I have even higher ones for friendships. And these past few months, I have been disappointed over and over again by people who I thought were friends, and since I won’t let anyone in my life so easily as a friend.

I have quite a few connections and “mates” but to deserve my friendship is another story as I won’t let people let me down anymore.

In the past two years, when I have needed my supposedly friends the most, they were nowhere to be seen, apart from my longest friend in the UK who lives in Reading. I didn’t have many friends in any case back here, due to the fact that my husband moved us from houses to houses, towns to towns before finally escaping to Canada, and so I never got the chance to settle long enough anywhere to make friends.

Friends for me are people who are there for you, no matter what, and who just know when you need them without even having to ask for help, let alone be there when you do ask.

This is what I am prepared to give a friendship. I expect the same in return.

This is what I gave to that girl now with my lodger, yet when I needed her to help me in a situation – to take it upon herself that she should try and calm him down and tell him him and I should talk so his leaving wasn’t under such weird conditions – she completely let me down. I never mentioned it to her because, 1) she probably wouldn’t understand and 2) I can’t be bothered with her now.

I have also had to ask a couple of favours from old and new people in my life today, as I needed someone to look after my cats over Christmas as the arrangement with my lodger obviously fell through, although bless him said he would come and feed them when I reminded him he had agreed. I told him I would find another way because 1) I don’t trust him with animals now, 2) I felt it was too much an ask anyway for him to do that. And I was interested to see the responses. One surprised me very positively as it happens 🙂

So friendships have been on my mind today and I realised that I only have one friend at the moment, and it is my girl friend from Reading. It is a nice easy friendship now, although it really wasn’t always like this, we did have a major fall out some 11 years ago, again when I stood my ground and I told her her behaviour at the time was not acceptable to me. But, she came back into my life a couple of years later and by then I was settled with my husband and so things didn’t get as intense. Now, we don’t speak to each other much, but we meet up at least once a year and I enjoy seeing her and especially all her kids – she has 4 under 8. When my husband and I split up and during the two years that followed she was really there for me, a lot of the time when I asked for nothing (I don’t usually like to ask people for favours, I much prefer do it on my own, especially these days).

Probably one of the nicest things she did for me was send me a Valentine’s card the first year I was back here – I was deep in depression by then so it made me feel more miserable and cry, but still, looking back, it was a lovely thing for her to do. I have since also discovered all sorts of things she had been prepared to do for me should I need help, with housing for instance, and really, I am lucky to have her as a friend. A true one – together for ever as she always says.

The rest of the people who have come and gone into my life these past few years have been too consumed by their own issues to be able to offer a true friendship. I’m good with that these days, since I don’t need anyone in my life to be happy, but it would be nice to have one or two more true friends.

The good news about today is that I eventually managed to turn things around with my lodger and we parted on very good terms now. I am very pleased about that, because there really was no need for him to get so worked up and leave in such a hurry. I told him if he and Sam ever needed somewhere to stay, to check out if I still have a spare room. 

The whole thing today, particularly ending the “friendship” with my mate, re-affirmed something to me. Just because you love everyone doesn’t mean you have to put up with crap. Of course though, what “crap” means is entirely your decision.

My take on masturbation

As I was playing again this morning, I decided I shan’t be doing that anymore. 

To get me in the mood, I usually think of situations that turn me on, and there were a few with AG that were sure to get me in the mood but as the memories are fading, so is the excitement.

It got me thinking about the whole thing and I have decided that masturbation is a completely selfish pleasure and in the end, it is just not enjoyable. If anything it is pretty sad that one has to recourse to it. 

I have always had a problem with masturbation, and this is why I never did it until I was 30. Even then, I only did it because the guy I was with had made me realise that there was something I needed to investigate. I had never had an orgasm before and felt close to it with him and so I thought I’d best check out what was going on – the very first orgasm I had was so intense that my jaw locked open. Which was pretty freaky too and a problem I suffer every since, going to the dentist is a nightmare because of the thought of it happening!

Two years ago, when I had my first awakening, I decided to bin all the vibrators I had – my husband, bless him in his quest to make me happy had bought me a wide variety of them – except he never used them on me. And so they were left mainly untouched. So off they went in the bin before I moved back to the UK – at that time in any case, I was so distraught about what happened that sexual pleasure was the last thing on my mind.

In the past year, I have been exposed to people’s behaviour towards masturbation through some of my encounters. Yes, I quite liked the feeling that men would think of me while masturbating, but I became more and more uncomfortable with this knowledge. It peaked when I started talking to that friend of mine who never sleeps. When we started chatting, we were flirting with each other, no doubt about it, and one day, he never replied for a couple of hours and I asked him where he had been, he said he had been masturbating, after speaking with me. I actually recoiled when he said that, and I told him I didn’t want to know about what he was doing, we had a bit of a heated debate, during which I found out he did that regularly, several times a day. My initial thoughts were how can he do this over me when he hasn’t even met me? And then I thought there was something badly wrong with him if he did that several times a day. Our connection suffered that day too because he wasn’t happy with me that he couldn’t tell me about it, as he felt we were able to tell each other everything and as this was such an important part of his life, we had a problem. I was fine with that, it sure wasn’t going to change my mind.

The other occasion I realised I wasn’t happy with the whole thing was when I was dating AG. I tried to explain to him how it made me feel when he told me he had masturbated. Basically, I felt cheated, I wanted to be the one pleasuring him. And I felt annoyed that he couldn’t wait to see me before pleasing himself. I think he understood eventually because he reduced it. Again though, I found out through our chats that it was something he did a lot of, especially when he was feeling annoyed or frustrated.

Well, I have decided this morning I don’t want to be pleasing myself anymore, I want someone else to. Like AG did, take me to places I have never been before, and frankly a bit of vibrating plastic is not going to do this to me.

Whilst speaking about American Guy, I have a confession to make. He has been in my thoughts a lot recently and I am trying really hard not to email him, and keep to my word that I shall “fuck off” as he asked me so nicely when we had our fall out about whether it was acceptable fpr me to send his son a Christmas present.

Man, this still caring for all the guys that have been in my life sucks at times. Still, I’d rather have my heart filled with affection and love than bitterness and resentment 🙂

A lesson learned

Last night, my lodger and I had some words and he said he is going to be leaving.

It all started because of his dog, who I have mentioned before, he has near enough abandoned since meeting his new girlfriend. I will admit that had bugged me, but I carried on looking after Sam the best I could, giving him the love and attention a dog requires. They aren’t very demanding dogs, yet, they are. First, they need to be walked regularly, when they need to be, second, they need to be showed love.

Yesterday morning, at around the time he would normally be taken for a walk, his owner was nowhere in sight as he had stayed at this girlfriend. Usually he gets back from his girlfriend early morning weekdays – I walk Sam at the weekends – to give him a quick walk before going to work but yesterday, he didn’t seem to turn up at the usually time and Sam wouldn’t leave me alone, he needed his walk. So I got dressed at 6 am and took him. Always a pleasure walking him, even if sometimes I really don’t feel like it.

His owner popped in with his girlfriend yesterday evening and I said cheerfully, “sorry if we weren’t there when you came this morning, I had to take him out, he wouldn’t leave me alone”. His owner said,” well I got here about 11 so that’s fine” – I had forgotten he was off yesterday.

11? So, he was quite happy that his dog hadn’t been out since the previous day at 4 pm (when I took him out) and would have to wait til 11 the next day? Let alone that he didn’t thank me for taking Sam out. I had to make a comment, in good humour, that Sam needed his walk and it wasn’t fair he should wait that long. This didn’t go down well and he shouted at me something like “Yes MUM!”. And then walked out with his girlfriend as I was saying I was only thinking about my carpets.

I wasn’t happy about his behaviour and the whole situation that Sam seems to be my responsibility these days most of the time, so I texted him to say we needed a private chat the following day. He texted me it was time for him to move on. I said it was a bit extreme, all I wanted was for him to look after his dog more and not rely on me so much, but if that’s really what he wanted to do, it was fine of course. I asked whether he would still be around to look after my cats during the xmas break when I am away, he said he didn’t know and we’d talk about it last night when he got back, but I was in bed when that time came.

I got pretty pissed off about the whole thing last night truth be told. I always had an issue with him abandoning his dog like that, because something better came along, but I carry on because at least I was there for Sam. I had approached his girlfriend when they first got together saying I was worried he would abandon Sam too and she said she’d make sure he didn’t. 

I knew this would happen at some point and I now realise I should have made things clearer to him about Sam. I was getting more and more worked up about the situation instead of confronting it. Ah well learn from the experience. Communication really is key and avoiding problems never works.

Ah, just seen him and we had a chat, and indeed he has decided to move out at the weekend and move in with his new girlfriend. I had suspected that would happen soon. People really make me laugh. He’s known her something like 6 weeks. I told him he didn’t have to and explained the only thing I asked of him is not to rely on me to look after his dog, apart from at weekends, but his mind is made up. So I shall be loosing Sam. Sigh. He was never my dog anyway and I knew this time will come.

As for loosing the lodger, something happened on Sunday that made me see his ugliness and to be honest, I am kinda relieved, despite the hassle of having to find a new lodger. I mentioned to him and his girlfriend about writing to the prisoners on death row, and he said people in prison deserve to be raped every minute of the day there. I always knew he was a bit of a strange cookie but I have tried to understand people these days so I had given him the benefit of the doubt. That comment removed all this for me, in one go.

What surprised me most actually then was that his girlfriend, who had been a new friend of mine, sat there and made no comments when he said that. Really, that shocked me the most. I had thought she was special. Funny what the illusion of love and sex does to people.

Whilst on the subject of love, I had some great news last night – My cousin, who I adore, phoned me after months of not having been in touch – we are that close that it never matters – to announce that in two days, the 11 – 12 – 13, she and her partner are getting married. Now that is good news! As it happens, I had been thinking about her and him recently, as I have been thinking about love, theirs truly is true love. And in true fashion, they will be getting married at the registry office with two witnesses and that’s it. I am so happy for them – they are the perfect example of true love in my eyes, and they didn’t “need” to get married, they have been perfectly happy ever since they got together – that’s a long story – yet, they decided it was time, just for them. That was the best news all year 🙂

By newpaz

Lucky escape!

I got all excited this morning, I thought I had found the way to live my dream life! Except, I found out it was a scam…

I spent an hour getting really excited watching a powerful video from a company called the Empower Network this morning – the whole thing was so captivating and energising, and I left for work dreaming that this was the answer to my blockage about money and that I could live the life I wanted – mainly earn money doing what I love, writing and surfing the net, and travelling.

Well, I watched the end of the video this evening and all the time I had watched it, the “buy now before it’s too late” tagline below the video was distracting me. If that isn’t a sign that it might be a scam, I don’t know what is.

It was advertised at only $25, bargain really. 

Something didn’t sit easy with me. I have mentioned before but I noticed soon after I started this blog I got some strange followers, people who apparently lived their dream life, making money from the internet. I wasn’t duped. What on earth were they doing following my blog?

This new follower this morning nearly had me fooled, I will admit. I always check follower’s blogs, to see what type of person they are and because I am curious. This one boasted that he made so much money from his blog/the internet that his whole lifestyle had changed and he now could travel the world and not worry about money. That sure got me intrigued, as travelling the world has appealed to me a lot recently and so I signed up to his “newsletter” to find out how he could do it. An email arrived with a link to the video I was glued to for an hour. I can’t believe I actually watched the whole thing!

Anyway, I soon realised that the $25 fee was a monthly one…At first I thought it was a small price to pay for a dream life. Then I saw some of the small print below the payment part which unsettled me: 

“Folks – obviously, the income examples shown are extraordinary. The income claims presented are not intended to serve as a guarantee of income. Instead, they’re designed to give you an idea of what’s possible”

As the whole video concentrated on selling you the reality that you can earn an income that would exceed all expectations and you would soon live an extraordinary life, doing everything you want to do for very little work, I found their small print statement a bit confusing. So I decided to do some research. And indeed soon enough I realised it was a scam. Well not your usual scam per say, but the idea was to share the video on and get the commission if someone bought the product – and to earn that privilege cost you more than the $25 a month. And really, very much like a pyramid scam, the people at the top were the ones with their lavish lifestyles whilst the ones at the bottom would be left wondering what they are doing wrong.

Anyway, so my dream of living in hotter countries, by the seaside, earning money writing got dashed. Well maybe not just yet as this little experience told me what it was I really wanted to be doing in my “dream life” so I may be able to start on my life video soon. I have a great idea for a new blog which has been going around in my head and I hope to one day find a way to successfully make money from writing it the ethical way.

I must say I am getting fed up to see how many people are trying to make money out of you by selling you your dreams.

Unconditional love

Sex is on my mind this morning again.

My friend and I had a conversation last night about unconditional love. It all started when I mentioned to him my plan to write to prisoners on death row and he asked me why and we ended up talking about unconditional love.

This morning, as I was trying to get inspiration to have a little play, my mind went back to a time my husband and I truly connected sexually, probably the only time. It was back in Zanzibar, the second time we went there. We were extremely hungover, the previous night will stay in my mind for ever too, it was the time we very nearly had a threesome with the most beautiful, sexy girl I have ever met. We didn’t, because when the crunch came to the crunch, I didn’t feel able to put our relationship, or me more to the point, to this test. It was a great evening though and there was no pressure, no-one actually spoke about what might happen, we just knew the option was there and I guess they were waiting on me to make the first move.

In my fascination with sex, earlier this year I entered the world of swingers. I had always had a little interest in that world as I always wondered what people were like – I could never get my head around how you could possibly be happy with your partner getting intimate with someone else, let alone right in front of your eyes.

So I joined a swingers’ site and watched.

It was mainly full of single people wanting sex without strings but in the forums, there were true swingers contributing and reading the various posts, it gave me a good idea what swinging was about and what it gave people.

I did post a couple of questions on there about why the need to do it, some of my questions had a biase that something must be wrong with people wanting to do it and I am glad to say I wasn’t flamed. Those not comfortable with what they were doing stayed away and those completely at ease kindly took the time to answer truthfully. And I saw that indeed, not only some of the couples loved each other so deeply that it added another dimension to their love to enjoy seeing their partners with other people – the ultimate freedom, but they were also that secure in their feelings for each other, it didn’t matter to them whether it happened or not.

I took things one step further too in my observations and my friend with benefits and I decided to try out a swingers club.

Both feeling a bit anxious and excited, we set off for a club we found not too far from where I live.

Nothing too weird happened there for us, although we had fun for sure and, if he ever came back into my life, this is definitely something I would do again with him – we were just perfect together for this experience – but it did open a whole new world for me: this world of true sexual liberation.

And I loved it. I loved not caring about being naked, and I loved how nobody cared either. There were no perverts there at all, everyone was so so friendly. It’s that friendliness that touched me the most. Everyone was so relaxed, and there was no pressure – in fact we had a chat at the end of the night with one of the people who ran the place when she asked us how the evening went while we were waiting for our taxi. We explained it had been an unexpected evening, everyone had been so nice, although we had been surprised no-one seemed to approach us and she said we were left alone to do our own thing so we could relax. It is an unwritten word in those places that newbies are left alone to explore – how nice was that.

The other best bit about the place was that the whole place was set as such that you didn’t have to “see” anything you didn’t feel comfortable seeing too – that was definitely nice for me because I sure didn’t want to see people at it everywhere. So even in their sexual liberation, there was still a respect for one another.

How confident in yourself, in your relationship and your love for each other must you be to be able to partake in something like this hey?

So many people say “I couldn’t do it”, maybe they should ask themselves why.

I now know I could, and that realisation helps me deal with the most painful part of my husband being with my best friend – the hardest bit has always been to accept that she might give him more pleasure sexually than I ever could.

Unconditional love is very easy to explain – it is love – without any conditions.

The hidden cost of a Psychosis

Well, I am gob smacked! I was looking into getting travel insurance for my trip and, as I was about to pay the £8.75 cost quoted, I noticed something about pre-existing medical conditions so I clicked on it and thought best let them know about the Psychosis. Selected all the right bits, that I had needed hospitalisation and was prescribed medication and the cost went up to a whooping £365!! Imagine what it would have been if there was somewhere to say I didn’t take the medication 😉

So, I guess I won’t bother with travel insurance then and hope for the best :-p

ps: for the record, I am taking the medication with me, just in case.

By newpaz


Something has been going round in my mind since my Psychosis and I need to let it out.

I have a problem with homosexuality.

I never realised I did until the Psychosis weekend. During that time, I had got a pad out to write down stuff I needed to write – I did the same during my Psychosis in Canada.

On that pad this time around I only wrote two things. The first, at the very top of the page, neatly written was “homelessness” underlined.

The second, right in the middle and aggressively written was “Fag” and every so often I would walk past the pad and angrily circle the word, not really in control of what I was doing. At the time, in my confused mind, I thought it was something to do with my smoking, Fag being the slang word given to cigarettes in the UK. And every time I circled it, I would have another cigarette, in defiance.

It’s only some time later that I clicked Fag also meant homosexual.

Now let’s get this straight before I write any further, I have no problems with homosexuals, what people do with their body is their business and I couldn’t care less who they choose to sleep with, as long as it is between consenting parties. I have myself dabbled in homosexuality and feel no shame for it, in fact, I am glad I did because I understand the attraction. In any case, for me as a woman, I love women’s body, always have, always will. Women really are beautiful creatures.

However, I feel that the “right connection” is between a man and a woman. And my observations since my Psychosis tells me that is indeed how it “should be” in a balanced world. And I see homosexuality as a sign this world is deeply unbalanced.

I have noticed that nearly all homosexuals have had abuse, sometimes sexual, or neglect of some kind in their past which may have affected their emotional balance and rendered them unable to connect properly with someone of the other sex.

I have also noticed that in most, if not all, homosexual couples, one is the female side and one is the male side. I was looking at pics on Facebook a few weeks ago of a work mate who got married to her partner in Canada, the Rockies to be precise, beautiful backdrop, and, her bride was wearing a lovely wedding dress and she was wearing a very smart suit. In a male couple, there is always one more effeminate than the other.

Again I will repeat I do not care about it. When I do care though is when people are pushing their sexuality on to us as if it is perfectly normal. Even better, or worse, apparently the genetics making is changing and people are now born homosexual. I let you think about the implication of this.

I got rather angry shortly before leaving Facebook at the whole thing for three reasons.

One of my workmates, who is as straight as guys come, was singing a rather feminine song, it made me laugh and I said “You sound so gay!!” and another colleague pipped up that we will have no homophobia in the office thank you very much – how is saying someone sounds gay homophobic? Gays are different, there are no questions about it and I feel his comment was out of place – I didn’t say anything as work was not the time nor the place to have a full on debate about the subject.

The other event that happened that really annoyed me happened on Facebook not long before I left. I had been trying to meet up with our new councillor to discuss ways to improve the town’s litter issue – he had made this as a main point to tackle during the first 6 months he was elected so I thought him and I could work together since I had started a facebook group to get people together and give them a voice and a platform for action. 

After 2 months of trying to meet up with him, I gave up. He was always too busy to care it seemed. And then one day, I saw on one of the newsfeeds on facebook, the one above the IM list, a friend posting something about whether calling someone gay was acceptable – obviously the conversation interested me after what had happened with my colleague and I clicked on his comment to see what the consensus was. And this is when I discovered our councillor was gay and he had started the whole conversation whether calling someone Gay, as an insult, was acceptable. I was gob smacked. 

When I wrapped up the Clean up group before leaving Facebook, I was so tempted to write a comment along the lines that our Councillor, who was part of the group, preferred spending time talking about his sexuality on Facebook that actually do something about the litter issue. 

I didn’t of course because I know it would have achieved nothing.

The last point that got me worked up, and probably more than any of the others, was relating to one of my new random friends on Facebook who was someone awakened. Truly awakened.

His profile pic on Facebook was what had attracted me to him, because of the colourful fist, I hadn’t really noticed the symbols on the wrist as it happens. Now though, I have realised that picture is exactly what is wrong with homosexuals. 


Excuse me for pointing out, there is one symbol missing, in fact probably three. One of the woman, one of the man and one of the heterosexual couple symbol.

People are people in my eyes, it shouldn’t matter about their sexuality, gender or colour.

And when people start forcing their orientation, which ever one it is, on you, we have a problem.

“Man” has been doing it since the beginning of time, “women” tried to do via the feminism movement, now Gays are at it – enough already.

Luckily I know I am not the only one with this view, in fact one of big bods at work was recently elected an ambassador for gays, lesbians and transsexuals in the UK it was announced on our intranet. There was a link to an article where it was mentioned in one of the more serious newspapers in the UK – what I read made me write to him directly to congratulate him on his achievement. He’d got it right – yes, of course they have a right, but it wasn’t about forcing it down anyone’s throat, people are people and each have a right to be, was the gist of the article.

It really is all about balance. I hope when the gays, lesbians and transsexuals have found their balance, they’ll get on with just being, like the rest of us. And then we can all get on working together to help make this a better world, for all.

By newpaz

Disconnection is nigh

Only some 11 days before my trip to Zanzibar and preparations are well underway. I have all the  jabs I need, I just need to sort out the malaria tablets, and get some american dollars, and finish ripping my music to the MP3 players – I have recently received a waterproof one so I can take my music to the sea with me 🙂 the rest is pretty much sorted.

I have all the books I want to take with me now, I still need to pick up one last, which one of my customers recommended when I was telling her about my upcoming trip: Gone Girl.

I know I am taking far too many books with me, see previous entry about my selection. And I know I won’t get to read half of them, however, I like to have the choice, and also I am one of those people (are there even others?) that likes to read several books at once. And I don’t even care if I finish them. I remember the summer when I met my first love, I took 7 books with me. I don’t remember if I read them all til the end but I know I started them all.

My brain these days is like a sponge, one of my newest facebook friends said when I decided to leave FB. A sponge with a ping pong ball she said. I quite liked that image. It is exactly that.

See, for 43 years of my life, I missed out on the world out there, I much preferred drinking or smoking pot, partying, chatting non-sense with people, this kind of things. And so now I have stopped doing any of this, I see that there is a whole world out there, full of interesting stuff. I feel I have a lot of catching up to do. So much interests me these days, in fact, just about everything!

It takes a lot of discipline to carry on living a normal life when I could easily lose myself in all this. Luckily I can do that and not let any activities take over my life. But this trip to Zanzibar is a god sent, because for 7 days, plus 3 days of travelling, I will have nothing to do, no-one to speak to. Just me, myself and I and do all the thinking/reconnecting/discovering I want without any interference, no cooking to do, no household to run, no work to go to, no responsibilities.

Early this morning, I decided on a new “task” for Zanzibar too. I saw the film “Too Young to Die?” last night and it spurred me to want to write to people on death row. When I fell on Amnesty International’s website, there is a list of 11 people in Texas Death Row. As I started to read each profile, I realised I just couldn’t choose which to write to. Everyone of them struck a cord with me. And so I have decided I shall write an introduction letter to each of them when I am in Zanzibar.

Now, I understand it is a bit crazy of me to do this, as I understand each will need my full attention when our correspondence starts, I also understand the importance of communication to them, it’s not something you do lightly or to fill a void in your life, you are doing it solely for them. Because of what my life has become, I know I can give them the time needed. I also know I have a fascination for people’s stories so I will be able to treat each of them as the individual they are. The only thing that scares me to be honest is the fact that one day our communication might stop. The day they are put to death. I just don’t know how I will be able to handle that.

I have very strong views on the death penalty. In fact this view started when I was a teenager and one of my neighbours, a girl a few years older than me, told me about her views and Amnesty International. I have since been against it, and the more I grow, the stronger I feel.  NOBODY has the right to take someone’s life. I have mentioned my thoughts about this before when I talked about my friend in this entry. However, I realise that it happens. What I cannot agree with is “normal people”, people in authority, deciding that it is their right to finish someone’s life because of what they did. I cannot believe in this day in age the death penalty is still in place, especially in countries like the USA – although, that really doesn’t surprise me.

I am just glad I live in a country where it has been abolished.

To be honest, the whole prison system is absolute rubbish, but this will be a blog entry for another time as it is too wide a subject and really at this stage, I don’t want to think about it because I am powerless.

Zanzibar will be an interesting experience. The thing that I will find the strangest to be honest is being disconnected from the internet for that long.  The internet has sure become my lifeline to the world these days. As much as I am “disconnected” I am extremely connected to the world out there via it. Only this time, I choose what comes into my life.

Books, music, a writing pad and my thoughts. I think I can be happy with that 😉

By newpaz

Final words about the Law of Attraction

I have spoken a lot about that Law throughout my blog, and I know it works, as I have done some testing of my own and have found indeed I got what I wanted when I put it out there in the universe. I have always had a problem with this Law though. Every video I see of people “selling it” makes me cringe.

I remember the first time my husband and I fell on the book “The Secret”, we laughed and we laughed reading it parts of it. This book was actually the beginning of the Law of Attraction.

This entry I wrote the weekend of my psychosis might give you an idea of how I feel about this book: My Secret.

I have been thinking about this Law this morning and wondering why I have such a problem with it when I know it works. And I realised it’s because I have never seen anyone put it to good use. Everyone out there who swears by the Law of Attraction seems to only want money. The people who speak about it in videos, sitting in their grand homes, are always trying to sell you something or other to “enrich” your life in ways you wouldn’t think imaginable. Usually it includes big houses, a high flyer job and a posh car.

In my mind, the only way to enrich your life is by becoming whole. And no amount of money is going to give you that.

So I shan’t be speaking about this Law anymore. And anyway, I don’t like the word “Law” either.


Well, I have given a lot of thought to my last entry, as I couldn’t get my head around how success could be feared.

Funny how things stare you in the face sometimes but you cannot see it. Anyway, it seems what I am scared of is true love, which is ultimately what it is I dream of, as is clear from some of the entries on my blog.

I don’t need to revisit why I am scared of true love. I have done that journey already. Love has always hurt me badly in the past. And although I now know it was my own making and why, fact remains my experience has scared the shit of me to trust someone with my heart again. Even if I am now happy with who I am and know my worth, I have to face facts, I just don’t trust men. Or “man” for that matter.

The good news is my only true friend at the moment, the one I can share any of my thoughts with is a man.

The other good news is although I don’t trust anyone these days, I still love everyone.

Man, this is giving me an insight on how God must be feeling looking at the world from above. Poor guy!

By newpaz