My deepest fear

Last Thursday, I found out something about me that I hadn’t realised I had: a fear of failure.

It all came out at the Public Speaking class. I had been given some exercise to learn some tongue twisters, task which I found really easy, and I even surprised myself how quickly I learned them, it took me reading each sentence twice before they became ingrained in my mind. I have noticed this little skill of mine in the past, I have an interesting memory. I can remember a variety of “useless” information, such as phone numbers etc, yet I choose to not remember other information which may be more useful. It all depends what I consciously decide to remember.

Anyway, so I went to my class, feeling pretty pleased with myself that I knew those phrases inside out, I had practiced on friends and workmates, yet I was feeling anxious. It was one thing to do this in front of people I knew and felt comfortable with, it was another to do it in front of the “master”.

And without fail, I messed them up the first go, and the third. I would get it right, then do it again and get it wrong. I was starting to feel frustrated with myself and I guess he saw that and, after trying to reassure me I had done a great job, we moved on to another exercise. Which again I didn’t do too well at. Well, he said I did fine, but in my heart, I didn’t. I had got what he wanted out of me, yet I had struggled doing it, and I was getting more and more frustrated and annoyed with myself.

As I left the class, I felt a bit deflated. Suddenly, now I was struggling, it wasn’t so enjoyable anymore. Yet that made me happy. At last, I was learning something. I knew I was learning because I knew I wasn’t “that good” at it.

I still don’t know why I am doing these classes as I have no plans to speak publicly, however I am all the more excited that I am doing them now. At last I am pushing my boundaries properly, and it feels good.

I have since been thinking about what happened that evening and why I felt so annoyed and frustrated with myself when I got it wrong. And I realised I had a fear of failure.

I am confused about that fear because, when I look at my past, all I see is achievements, some, many people would never dream of attempting – I have successfully established myself in the UK from France at the age of 19, I am entirely bilingual, I have travelled a lot, sometimes on my own, I have moved to Canada and back within a two year period, I have dealt with the trauma of losing the man I loved and two years on, I am on the right path. I have never been out of work unless I had wanted to. I started my own business in Canada which became successful within a couple of months of launching, my most memorable achievement has been to be a Reporter in English, for a local newspaper in Canada, and I was, from the feedback I received, very much liked by the locals.

All this clearly demonstrate that when I want something, it happens. I don’t even have work hard at it as all my past achievements just happened, I never struggled to make any happen. I wanted it and I did it – that simple.

Yet, I seem to have a fear of failure.

So this morning, I decided to check Ask Teal if she had anything to say about it, but couldn’t find anything. So I widened my search to the web and found something that answered my questions.

It isn’t a fear of failure I have, it’s a fear of success! (thank you tinybuddha).

And this is why I still haven’t started on my life video. My dreams are bigger than life, my ultimate dream is for the world to be a better place, heaven on earth, as I thoroughly believe it is possible. However how is little old me going to make that happen? Especially when I much prefer being a nobody, as I mentioned in a previous post. I don’t want fame and fortune, I don’t want “followers”, I don’t want to be recognised. I just want to be me and carry on in my life unnoticed.

I had also mentioned in a previous post that most awakened people have this drive to help others awaken, and I am very thankful for it, because they have helped me on my path without a doubt. Yet, I don’t have that drive.

My drive is to make a difference to this world. I want to know that, when I die, this world is going to be ok. Better than ok even. I want to know that abuse of any kind is gone and all people live happy and helping each other out to keep the fragile balance of existence.

Luckily, recently, I have seen a lot of amazing news that this is starting to happen. People everywhere are definitely waking up to the reality man has created and are working together to right the wrongs. It is really heartwarming. I just wish I could contribute to this somehow.

And this is when my faith and patience come into it so I don’t feel too frustrated. I know one day my answer will come to me and it will all come together. I just have to be patient. And have faith. God and I had a “little chat” the night before my psychosis, and I agreed to leave my fate in his hands. For He knows best.

The last of the addictions

This morning, I woke up feeling full of love for myself and I decided it was time to tackle some of the last addictions I have that hinder my life.

One of them is sugar, which will be easy to do because I have a savoury tooth rather than sweet.

The other one is the biggie for me at the moment: smoking.

I mentioned in a previous blog that I wasn’t worried about it because that addiction didn’t affect your mind, like alcohol and pot does, only your health. Well, I realised this morning that my health matters just as much as my state of mind. If not more, for when it’s gone, it’s gone. A friend of mine, the one who never sleeps, told me the best advice his dad ever gave him was that you were given only one body and one set of teeth and so best look after them.

So this morning, I went to work without cigarettes, to see what it felt like. 

Well, I went through the morning fine without cigarettes, actually feeling quite pleased with myself, until lunchtime came and I really wanted to enjoy a cigarette when I suddenly remembered I had 3 in my drawers that I was keeping for a work mate who visits the office occasionally and I owed her some. So I smoked them during the course of lunchtime and afternoon.

As I was driving home, I started to think how I should do this, because it was clear I wasn’t ready, yet I want to stop now. I value my health a lot and I know there are many benefits to being a non-smoker and no advantages. I think I can live without the random encounters I have had while smoking for the price of my health.

So I shall start the same process I learned about when I lived in Canada. It worked then and I only started to smoke again when I moved back to the UK, to my life of nothingness. Throughout the whole split situation with my husband, I never started. So I know I can do it, however, my will power doesn’t appear to be that strong when it comes to cigarettes at the moment – strange really considering it was good enough for alcohol, pot and a whole lot of other stuff recently.

The process I learned about in Canada is two fold. Set a date and prepare for it. Preparation time includes storing your cigarettes and your lighter in different, hard to get to, places, so you start to think twice before reaching for one. Also ban yourself from smoking in a certain place where you usually smoke, eg the car. Those are the two changes of behaviour that stuck in my mind.

I won’t do the vap thing that is the rage these days, again because the idea is not to replace one addiction for another. Plus no-one knows the effect vaping will have on us for a while yet. When smoking first started, it was sold as being the best thing since slice bread and we all know how that ended.

Tomorrow I shall start on that plan 🙂 I really hope I can crack it before I leave for Zanzibar because I don’t want smoking to spoil my enjoyment of the travelling to get there, where I will spend a lot of time in non-smoking environments and even my peace once there.

Lying on the beach reading a book yes, lying on the beach, reading a book and smoking a fag, no.

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The Men not in my life

Well, as I suspected, Young Boxer Guy did his usual AWOL 24 hours before we were due to meet. I really don’t understand what is going on with him. I don’t care much to be honest, but he sure has me intrigued. This is probably the 4th time this has happened. He “disappears” 24 hours before we are due to meet, then pops back up some time in the future, gives me an explanation or other why he couldn’t turn up, asks me if I fancy meeting up again, I usually end up saying yes, because truth be told I wouldn’t mind seeing him again, if anything to see if the chemistry is still there, and then he goes and disappears 24 hours to meet up time!

One of my work mates, who knows about him because he is a boxer too, told me to let him go. I explained I had as I never try to get in touch with him after he goes AWOL, once or twice I have even deleted his number from my phone. And invariably he will get in touch again, sometimes after 3 weeks, sometimes a few months, like this last time. And I really don’t understand why he does that. Maybe he is addicted to the fantasy of it? Who knows. 

On the way back from work though I started to think about this sexual thing and decided that really, I don’t care whether I get to have it or not at the moment. Deep down, I still just want true love. I don’t feel any shame anymore having “casual sex”, however I just don’t “need” it. And so yes, if the opportunity presents itself, I’ll consider it, but I am not seeking it. And when you are not seeking something, it doesn’t present itself.

There are a couple of people from my recent past I wouldn’t hesitate to meet up if they came back into my life, for the purpose of sex, one being my old friend with benefits. But I know it won’t happen.

My friend with benefit and I tried to meet up recently, since I was no longer with the American Guy (AG) but it ended up badly.

We had kept in touch throughout my relationship with AG, as we were friends too, and a month or so ago, we had arranged to meet up and go to a tribute band concert in my town. As the event grew closer, I pushed him away. I realised after that it was because I was worried he would get drunk at the concert and I cannot bear to see people I care about drunk these days. Because I know what it means – escaping their reality and therefore hurting, and he would get drunk regularly at weekends. The idea of seeing him drunk started to worry me and, as his excitement about meeting up seemed to slow down a few days before the event, I suggested he could cancel if he changed his mind. He said he’d let me know. That convinced me he wasn’t that interested and so I told him maybe we should forget about meeting up. He got quite angry with me for my comment and things didn’t go well after and we agreed not to be in touch anymore.

I now realise it was for the best in any case because I cared, and still do, deeply about him, which isn’t a good basis for a friend with benefit arrangement. I lost a good friend too that evening it all happened. I miss him still. Luckily I deleted his number from my phone that night and so I can’t contact him. I think of him often though. Him and I really had a special connection.

So anyway, this blogger won’t be having sex any time soon 😉

By newpaz Tagged

About Ego

In my last post, I talked about Ego and how by disconnecting myself from things and people my Ego was left with nothing to feed on.

I fell on a video this morning from Ask Teal about Ego – How Ego Comes Through the Back Door, and it made me realise that this state of disconnection can be dangerous.

Whilst I believe I need this time out to explore who I am without distractions from the “normal world”, I am by no means wanting to stay disconnected. I see this time as needed to better understand my being. I still love people, I still love the world. However, I want to find the best way for me to contribute to it. And by being distracted by others I don’t feel I am going to find what I need.

I have a friend, whom I have never met and with whom I had a very deep connection in the past, when we shared very deep thoughts, argued even, but felt so connected to. We have never met because he never wanted to. I think he felt scared. 

He is an interesting character to say the least, he doesn’t work and seems to spend his whole life working on his house. He doesn’t sleep and lives on coffee he says. When I say he doesn’t sleep, he literally doesn’t. Which is why at the beginning when we started chatting – we “met” through a dating site – I was very cautious. I know what sleep deprivation is like for I suffered from it badly two years ago. I do know it brings a sense of higher consciousness which can be exhilarating but ultimately I know it doesn’t enable you to live in reality.

Recently, he reconnected with his first love and had a little thing with her – unfortunately she is married, so my friend got really messed up by the experience. And, last I checked on him, he has now fully disconnected from the world. He hasn’t seen anyone for weeks, has no-one in his life and feels better for it, he says.

In my current disconnection state, I worry about him. Because he is using disconnection as a way to escape reality. I am using it to better understand it.

Although being disconnected is an interesting and sometimes fun experience, it is not a state I want to stay in too long. Because I love people.

My disconnection is enabling me to take stock of my being and find a way to better serve the world around me. 

I have found I don’t want to be “different” – I would much prefer being nobody – yet, I feel special. But not “better”. This is the confusion I feel at the moment and that I am trying to make sense out of.

I still feel lonely too. But I am convinced that this is only a temporary state of play. I need this time out to fully process who I am, my mistakes, and more to the point, find out my dreams before they can be realised.

For 43 years I have escaped reality any way I could, without even realising it. When I stopped the drinking, I was suddenly faced with it. I am lucky that I instantly liked who I was without the booze, however I still had to process what made me escape the world for so long. 

The whole purpose of this journey for me is not to disconnect from the world completely, it is to reconnect better.

By giving my Ego nothing to feed on, I can better understand it. I know it is still here though thanks to the few constants I still have in my life and all the reading and researching I am doing too and my reaction to it. Every little bit of connection I experience, I feel my Ego is learning too.

I know my Ego will always be here, but I don’t want it to be what drives me. I want my deeper self to drive me instead.

By newpaz Tagged

Who judges you?

This morning, as my thoughts drifted taking my bath before work, I got thinking about the tattoo that young boxer has that fascinates me. He has this big tattoo across his upper chest that says in latin: “Only God will judge me”.

A picture paints a thousand words:

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And a bit of gratuitous eye candy too 😉

I have always been fascinated by that tattoo, because of its message. I know enough about his private life to understand perfectly well what it means to him. His rebellious nature, his fierce independence, how his own darkness has affected his life and made him take some decisions that were not the wisest. However I also know what his soul looks like, he is a very descent guy with plenty of love for the people who matter to him, who has had it really tough in life, and yet his heart is always in the right place. With me anyway, he has always been the most sensitive and respectful guy. A very gentle soul hides behind this angry tattoo.

That tattoo got me thinking about the big man, God, whatever it is people want to call him. I have explained before, God is the name that suits me, because of the dog in reverse thing, although I have realised through my observations, that this name gets associated to religions and to blind faith and therefore awakened people like to refer to him as something else, Source seems to be the name de rigueur these days.

I got thinking that if God really made us in his image, there is no way he’ll get to judge me. Because humans aren’t perfect, and therefore this means God can’t be either. In fact, really when you think about it, it is clear he isn’t. And so I will never let anyone imperfect be the judge of me. If anyone has to judge me, it will be me. You know what they say, you can be your bestest friend or your own worst enemy.

The thing is I see God as different to the one portrayed in religions. In fact my relationship with him is pretty different. On very rare occasions when I do feel a deep connection to him these days, I know he is always there because of the signs I see regularly but I don’t connect with him very often, I guess I don’t need to. On occasions when I meditate and I find myself having a chat with him, all I feel is love. It’s very hard to explain or describe. I just feel love take over my whole being and usually, it is such a good feeling that I have soft tears rolling down my eyes, as I am overwhelmed by the feeling and a lot of gratitude. I have never experienced something quite like this before. And this tells me that God is no judge.

People best realise they are their own judges. Face their shortcomings and deal with them if they want to be happy, liberated and “good people”, it’s the only way to emotional freedom.

I know I don’t speak about God much in this blog, and this is because, as I do with everything, I am still trying to understand the connection and I can’t share my thoughts until I have sussed what’s going on.

As I said previously, I am still observing that whole spiritual world and decide what feels right to me. My psychosis episode came into my mind this morning too, as I was driving to work. I don’t think about that event much these days but I know it holds the key to a lot of stuff and in particular to my spirituality. Maybe I should write about what happened in detail soon, it might help me process it and try and understand exactly what took over me that day. As I know without a shadow of a doubt it wasn’t God.

By newpaz

True Freedom

I realised something quite special tonight in the floatation tank. For the very first time in my life, I am truly independent, emotionally and financially.

Since disconnecting from Facebook, I have no attachment to anyone whatsoever. I might get the very occasional text or email from a contact but on the whole, my inbox is empty, receiving the odd message from sites I have registered with, like the petition sites for example but nothing needing my attention. My phone rarely beeps either, although I enjoy an occasional banter with a friend or two or sometimes a deeper chat with my only friend at the moment, friend who puts no pressure on me whatsoever. He is just there, as I am for him.

I have absolutely no-one in my life at the moment, apart from my family of course, with my mum and dad calling me regularly for news, and my brother and I very occasionally chatting via Whatsapp.

Two years ago, this thought of being so totally alone sent me into a deep depression, today, I feel a strange sense of achievement and peace. I have finally succeeded putting my life back on track literally unaided and if anything with added obstacles to make the ride all the more interesting (I am thinking psychosis here).

I have no addictions/crutches either, apart from smoking but to be honest, I have thought about it recently and realised, at the moment, I enjoy it and it has enabled me to have some amazing random encounters these past few weeks. I know I will stop one day, but I will decide when. Smoking doesn’t alter your mind like alcohol or pot does, it only affects your health.

There is absolutely no-one around to tell me what I should do, judge me, advise me, comment on my actions, tell me how I should live my life.

I had also noticed when I was observing awakened people or people in the midst of awakening that there is a big struggle with the Ego during that period. And this need to “deal with it”. I never cared much. I understood I had an Ego, we all do, but I never wanted to force anything. I felt it would sort itself out. There was also this need to help others awaken.

Well, since I am now truly independent and disconnected, my Ego doesn’t appear to exist anymore, for it has nothing to feed on. No-one cares about my thoughts anymore and they are all mine. The only place I share them is on this blog and since there are no comments and only the occasional like, I have no clue who is reading it and whether it has any effect on them.

It is the most liberating feeling actually to know that my deeper thoughts matter to no-one. I no longer need to debate any of them with anyone, and more importantly I really don’t care what anyone else thinks or how they choose to live their life.

And so every thought and every decisions I make these days are my own only and for my own benefit and happiness.

I do anything I want these days. I visit with friends when I want, I sleep when I want, I listen to the music I want to listen to, I read when I want, I buy what I want, I volunteer at the Rescue place when I want, I float when I want, I eat what and when I want – which reminds me, I have decided against doing this BeyondDiet thing. When I looked into it after my entry the other night, the first two weeks were pretty regimented of what you should eat and when, I decided it wasn’t for me.

I quite like the idea that no-one has any power over me, my thoughts or my feelings right now or say over my life.

My only constant is my work, however this is a joy to me, with an added bonus that it enables me to earn money to keep financially independent. And my cats, who pretty much do what they want and only need me for food.

All the rest in my life just flows as and when I feel like it. And that shows me exactly who I am.

For instance, I now know I am a tidy person, my laundry basket is generally empty, my dishes done and the place looking tidy.

I am also pretty organised, I rarely run out of milk or food, petrol etc.

Something else I have discovered recently which amuses me. I am not very keen on time, I wear no watch, there are no clocks in my house, not even an alarm clock (I use my phone when I need one), yet I am always on time, sometimes dead on, anywhere I commit to a time. Talk about being punctual.

I am starting to realise that only by being truly disconnected from people can you truly appreciate each moments, each encounters, each experience.

I have no fears and no anxiety, I have no worries about the future, and I am extremely grateful for my past, the good, the bad and the ugly.

I understand fully the pain I do feel on occasions and I welcome it as it enables me to deal with something or other than needs dealing with.

I am starting to realise I need no-one…which means I am finally complete. Wow!

By newpaz

The money issue – a little breakthrough

Last night, to cheer myself up after some heavy thinking about this whole money thing, I searched the net for my “dream home” and fell on the most perfect one, it’s called the Hobbit House, was built in the UK for about £3000!

This particular house won’t be for me, but it opened a whole new idea to me. Instead of thinking big financially, I can think small, reduce my living expenses as much as I can instead.

As luck would have it, when I was checking out the Hobbit House website, I saw a banner at the bottom of the page which was advertising for free, yes free, installation of solar panels on your home, all paid for by the government! And I heard today talking about it with a colleague at work that if you generate more electricity than you use, you can actually get paid by the utilities company for it, fancy that!

Seems there is a way for me to have financial freedom without making a ton of money after all, and I am now reassured that the right answer will come to me in due course 🙂

Life Project video: my dog Frodo

You may have gathered from last night’s entries that I got rather upset about losing my dog again. I have mentioned before, this is my cross. I will probably never get over his loss and that’s fine. I have accepted this now.

And so last night, as I was crying thinking about him, I was looking for ways to feel better and decided to create a video dedicated to him, his life, our lives together.

Whilst looking through the hundreds of photos I have of him, I started to cheer up. I remember my husband saying to me trying to help me deal with the pain of losing him that I had to remember that dog was much loved and we gave him a great life. And this showed through all the photos I went through last night. He really was such a happy dog, then.

I concentrated on the ones from Canada because, to me, this is when my relationship with him was the strongest, when we bonded the most. We went on to so many adventures there together and because I was out of work for 7 months, I had the chance to spend plenty of time with him. And again during the second year I lived there as I was out of work for a few months before starting my own cleaning business where I got to choose the hours I worked, and so I was able to spend a lot of time with him going on long walkies in the morning and having plenty more adventures.

He was also there for me when my husband left me, and accompanied me on roadtrips as I was going through my first awakening and, as I mentioned before, he became my spiritual guide for a while.

People have suggested since that I took on another dog but I won’t. Not just yet anyway. Firstly I live miles away from where I work and I wouldn’t be able to be there for him for long periods of time, secondly, I am not ready to get another dog and bond as deeply as I did with Frodo as I am still on a journey that I don’t know where it will take me, thirdly, I have decided I will get another dog when I find my life partner. A dog bonds you somewhat like having a child would and since I am too old to have children, it will be a dog instead.

In the meantime, I have plenty of dogs in my life, from the ones I walk at the Rescue Centre, to Sam the resident dog, whose owner seems to have abandoned somewhat since he has found a new girlfriend so Sam gets to spend all his evenings, nights even as he sleeps with me and weekends with me now. I am very grateful.

Anyway, this is my boy, a water, sun lover, tea monster, adventurer and with a great passion for life, just like his mummy – Pan seems to stop half way through and some pics went sideways for some reason! I could have made an hour long video really but sleep was calling 😉

(spot the booze on most people pics!!)

By newpaz Tagged

Further realisation about money

Further to my previous post about money, I have realised what the problem is is that I chose to let my fear of my financial future decide the fate of my dog. And I am feeling really bad about it now. I had the money, I could have dipped into my savings just as I am doing now for my trip to Zanzibar. If I had had the attitude I have now towards money, ie, I am not worried about it and as long as it is there, I will spend it on stuff I want/need, he may still be with me.

I need to learn from that traumatic experience and somehow forgive myself that I didn’t make the right decision. And it cost me dearly.

By newpaz

Money, dirty money

I have come to a blockage in my journey that I just don’t know how to clear. My relationship with money. I hate money, with a vengeance. 

This hatred came to a point when I lost my dog. When he was fighting for his life at the Vets, it all came down to money. They quoted me over £1000 to try and figure out what was wrong with him. I was faced with the question of how much his life was worth. That dog meant everything to me, his life was priceless but I just didn’t have that kind of money. I had already paid the same amount to have him shipped back from Canada a few months earlier. I was scared of my uncertain future financially having to start with very little and I just couldn’t see how I could afford to pay those costs. So I started to frantically call my husband, hoping he could tell me a way. I phoned him, over and over but he never answered his phone.

The vet then told me as she saw how lost I was that this cost wouldn’t guarantee they could save him. She told me it would be kinder to put him to sleep as he was in a lot of pain already.

And so I took the decision to put him to sleep. But the thought that money may have saved him never left me. And more to the point if we hadn’t moved to Canada two years prior to follow my husband’s dream of a better job, he would have still be insured and that would have covered any costs needed to make him better. When I think about the whole thing, the only thought that keeps me going is what that vet said. It wouldn’t guarantee making him better and he was in a lot of pain.

These days, I earn just enough money to cover my bills and living expenses. This trip to Zanzibar is absolute madness financially for me. I dread to think how much it is actually costing me, between flights, accommodation, visa, airport transportation, jabs, insurance etc etc. But it was something I dreamed about 2 years ago and I felt it was time to do it, whatever the future brings for me financially, as I am dipping deep into my only savings for it.

8 years ago, I got a windfall. I sold the flat I owned before my husband and I got married and it sold for a major profit. Now, I have very little of this left. And when I think what I can show for it, the answer is nothing. Yes, it enabled me to buy the house I am in with a mortgage I can just about afford, although I am only paying the interest these days so not paying it off at all. The money also enabled us to move to Canada, and that costs a bomb, plus I was out of work for 7 months there so it helped. The rest was spent on travelling and yes indeed we had some great holidays to Zanzibar. But I cannot account for most of that windfall. Makes me realise we must have partied away/drunk most of it.

I have always been lucky in life financially, I have always had work, my parents have helped me  at the right times in my life and I am also money savvy. I might have nothing much now and not planned for the future, but at least I have no debts. I have also always lived within my means, an art these days it seems. And most of what I really love doing is free or costs next to nothing. So on the whole I cannot complain. And luckily I am doing a job I love, even if I am earning some £3000 less now than I was earning 3 years ago. 

But stories like my dog, or people who cannot pay for their healthcare, or the fact that celebrities earn a disgusting amount of money and live in their little castles while the other half of the population dies of starvation or people sleep rough really bugs me. Money in this world is a big waste. There is definitely enough to solve all the world’s problems yet, nothing is solved.

My problem is this Law of Attraction. There’s a part that focusses on the financial aspect. I find it hard to project/visualise financial freedom when I hate money so much. I haven’t been able to start on the most important part of my Life Project videos, which is the one relating to me, and I realised it’s because of this money blockage. Yes, I want financial freedom so I can do all the travelling I am dreaming of, and live the life I want, but I cannot incorporate money into it. I just cannot. I am stuck.

Ah well…I am sure the answer will come to me in due course.

 

By newpaz Tagged