What’s killing me right now

I have been signed off work since the beginning of February when I experienced a psychosis and had to be taken to hospital where I was sectioned.

Since being discharged, I have been facing long days with very little to do. To start with, I was still on a high and could handle it. Funny when you are on a manic stage, you can handle everything. 

Everything collapsed when I saw the work doctor and he decided I wasn’t ready to go back to work. I had been so looking forward to going back. Why? Because it would have given me some sense of normality again. Plus I love my job and I miss it, desperately.

Life without work and without my driving licence which has been revoked for 3 months is really tough. So tough I started to feel down, really down, edging on depression. I experienced depression once before and I don’t want to go back there. So I have tried to find stuff to occupy the long hours of each days. I am also finding I am starting to suffer from anxiety.

As you can imagine, when the manic episode stopped, one takes stock of what happened. And now the diagnosis has been made, trying to understand where I fit in all this and how my life will be from now on can be pretty tough.

The doctor said I should be fine with the medication. I have to trust this. I cannot imagine having another manic episode which will end in a psychosis, as mine seem to. It would wreck my fragile life.

Three years ago, I lost everything when my husband left me and have spent my time since then rebuilding what I could. Setting up my home, finding a job, finding friends, having a life of sorts again. I can’t risk losing everything again. I need to be back at work and function “normally” again.

Going back to work makes me anxious too truth be told. What will people wonder about my three months absence (only my manager and a few workmates are aware of the situation)? Will I be able to cope there? Will I remember how to do my job? And a whole lots of other questions which make me feel anxious.

I have to be patient, people tell me it will all fall back into place once I have started working again. Patience is something really hard to develop when you have days of nothingness, I can assure you.

To ease the boredom and loneliness, I am helping someone clear out her house. She isn’t a friend per say, a facebook friend really, but she has just come out of depression and her house badly needs help. I never realised quite how much until I went there for the first time yesterday. It’s a mammoth task really. I felt anxious at times looking around. It was hard to find where to start. But start we did and I am going back today.

I must say I am feeling brighter today. I had a real crappy night sleep though, it took me for ever to fall asleep, I have an issue with one of my lodgers who is leaving in the next two days at the moment, and I woke up quite early, after some strange dreams again. I got up soon after waking up, I didn’t want to lay there and get anxious. And I am now waiting to be picked up to carry on with the house clearing. We’ll start with walking her dogs too which will be nice.

I hope being back at work will give me some sense of normality again. I badly need to feel “normal”, whatever that might be. I hope normal means no anxiety, no boredom, no loneliness…I have also stopped eating in the past week. Along the way, I have lost my appetite. I need to start eating properly again. But it seems too much of an effort right now, and there’s a knot in my stomach that won’t undo. Bah, it’s not like I couldn’t do with losing weight anyway.

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