This is it, I am back neck deep in depression.
Today all I could manage was to walk to the doctors, I had an appointment I couldn’t miss, for anti-depressants – which will take a good 10 days to work anyway – then a few hours later, hoovered the spare room ready for my lodger who is moving in on Sunday.
The rest of the time, I spent lying on the sofa, watching videos about bipolar, or about anxiety, napping, and drinking tea.
I saw the mood stabilisers I have been prescribed should be taken 3 times a day with or after food. I should be so lucky. I have eaten two little croissants today and that’s all I can manage. I haven’t been eating for a week now, apart from the occasional meal here and there when I get a bit of energy, yet, have lost no weight! (not that I weight myself, I can feel my clothes are still tight)
So earlier, I had a good cry, missing my dog and wishing I was with him, wherever he is. I thought about texting a friend, but decided against it.
Thing is there’s only so much you can put on friends when you feel like this. It’s not their business nor their jobs to cheer you up constantly. Plus, from my experiences with my psychosis, they would probably call the doctor saying I am suicidal and my life would sure be over. Would probably be brought in the mental health place again, no going back to work any time soon, no driving licence, whatever is left of my fighting spirit would definitely die.
The only person right now that is keeping me alive is my mother, strangely enough. She phones me daily, sometimes twice daily, and tries as best she can to help me move forward. I couldn’t do this to her.
If I get through this, maybe I should have her initial tattooed on the other inside wrist hey…