Dreaded mornings

Another tough wake up this morning. 

When my mind wakes up in the mornings, it goes through a check list of reality again. And I get very anxious. I am scared of so many things, all resulting in losing my independence, starting with my job and finishing with my house.

I am eager to start work up again yet I am scared how it will be being back after such a long absence. Although I love my job, it can be quite stressful. How will I handle it? Will I be able to cope in that environment again? What if I can’t?

If I can’t, then I will sure lose my house, that I fought so hard to keep. It’s now like a noose tightening around my neck. I have taken in two lodgers to help with the bills. Originally, the extra money was so I could afford holidays as my salary barely covers my outgoings. Now it’s a question of survival.

If I lose my house then what? What will I do, where will I live? Would I have to move back to France and be under my mother’s care? At the age of 44 in a few days…

There’s also the matter that at the moment I cannot eat. It’s been going on for over a week now. The stress and anxiety prevents me from eating properly. I know this isn’t doing me any good but I cannot seem to do anything about it.

These thoughts re-occur every morning I wake up. And when I go and have my first cigarette and tea, I usually get sick.

This is how my days start. I know they are only thoughts, thoughts that create more stress for me, maybe when I am back at work, everything will fall back into place like it did before, after I had my manic episode/psychosis in August. And I only have to wait a few more days, a couple of weeks to find out but I can’t shake this feeling that my life has changed for ever now I have accepted I have bipolar, and not for the better…so far.

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