Morning anxiety

Doomed if I do doomed if I don’t.

I started to get ready as soon as I woke up and then finding myself ready with nothing to do was hard to bear. So I started to lay in bed for a while instead but then thoughts come and go in my head, as I am going over my situation.

I wake up feeling extremely anxious, so anxious even I get sick first thing in the morning. My new lodger witnessed this this morning and said I needed to tell the doctor. But what for? More medication? Surely the medication isn’t going to chase away the thoughts that go round in my head? 

What thoughts? Well let’s see, this morning I was looking back at my life and realised that I have never done well when I have lived alone. I had a long period of being single in my late 20s and I remember drinking every night, and smoking quite a lot of weed. When I see pictures of my flat at the time, it’s a wreck, there’s mess everywhere.

And so my thoughts this morning were what if I just can’t live alone, what if I cannot cope alone? 

My lodger said she was glad I didn’t live alone at the moment as she dreaded to think how I would be feeling. She also said she felt when I am back at work and I have my licence back I will be in a better place. I hope so.

Nearly three years ago, when I moved back to the UK from Canada after my husband and I split, I lived alone. And I experienced depression, for the first time in my life. I was no longer drinking or smoking pot so my crutches were gone and I went down a spiral.

Three years on, I am still without crutches and still unable to cope properly. Now I have a new diagnostic to contend with too. Having Bipolar.

It sounds like a big deal and I need to talk about it to someone in the know. My current care co-ordinator is on holidays at the moment and so I have asked to see a different one. I need to know how bad this thing is, whether medication will make it all better.

I texted my old boss still working in the department yesterday to tell him the news. His text back was very nice, quite compassionate. It scared me a bit. It sounded like bipolar is a big deal. He talked about knowing your triggers. I don’t know what triggers are so I went on the net and searched for triggers for bipolar. Well, seems every life changing event is a trigger, divorce, death, birth, job loss, etc. 

I now know for sure my split with my husband was what brought on my first manic episode. What brought on the other two though I am unsure, I know shortly before both the American guy and I broke up. Guess I’d better stay away from relationships then if breakups are going to affect me this way. In any case, who wants a bipolar partner? 

What kind of life am I going to have? I know anxiety is fear of the unknown. And I shouldn’t look at the future, just take each day at the time at the moment. Please tell that to my mind first thing in the morning when I wake up and look at my new reality.

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