Am I deluded?

Back in February, I suffered a manic episode which ended in a psychosis for which I was sectioned.

I was hospitalised for 6 weeks and discharged quite unexpectedly when I had to have overnight leave to see to my sick cat (who has since sadly died). They authorised the overnight leave when I was already home trying to catch him and asked me to come in for my morning weekly review meeting the following day, this is when I got discharged. I was really not expecting it and was pleased to leave the premises as soon as possible. I now wish I had stayed as a voluntary patient.

Since being discharged, nothing has gone right for me. I had hoped to be back at work quite quickly and this hasn’t happened, because the work doctor decided I wasn’t ready. He was right, I hadn’t been taking medication as I was in denial of my diagnosis and I was still manic. His decision however put me in a very low mood which turned into depression.

On 22 April, I saw my psychiatrist who said I was ready to go back to work. Two weeks on I still spend my days at home, bored, lonely and anxious to be back at work. Now unpaid apart from the Statutory Sick Pay, a small fraction of my salary. I have been on SSP for over two months now, except they used it to go towards the overpayment they made by mistake in March. I was only entitled to 20 days sick pay as I hadn’t worked there a full year.

I am scared, so scared, about my financial situation and how far back this manic episode has put me, let alone the emotional trauma of being diagnosed with a serious mental health issue, one for which I will need to be medicated for the rest of my life, and even then sometimes medication will no longer work.

However, feeling this low, I gave myself a deadline for my life to be back on track before I review the situation. A month. Enough time to hopefully be back at work and have my driving licence back.

Today, I spoke to someone at an AA meeting who happened to have bipolar too. She said it took her 5 years to get her life back on track since her manic episode which ended in a suicide attempt. 5 years!! And even then listening to her, her future isn’t rosy.

If my life isn’t back on some kind of track soon, I will need some serious proof that life is worth living before I carry on living it. Seriously.



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