“Hang in there”, “You’ll pull through”, “be positive”, these are words I have heard often recently. I know people mean well of course, if only they knew what was going on in my mind.
Hanging I am, desperately trying to return to work, despite not having a driving licence, scared of returning after a 3 months long absence and whether I can still do the job I loved. But there seems to be a conspiracy against it. Today, I chased my psychiatrist’s office again to find out whether the report that says I am fit to return to work has been signed only to be told that it hadn’t. Oh he was so encouraging when I saw him on the 22 April, telling me “yep, you are fit to return to work, everything will be fine as long as you take your meds.”
Well, I am taking my meds, I am certainly not manic anymore, I have crashed and now suffering from what I can only assume is situational depression, for which I am taking medication too but waiting for the pills to work, and no sign of when I will go back to work yet.
I am not really sure how I am expected to keep it together under the circumstances really.
I received a text from a friend yesterday asking me how I was doing, I said I was feeling pretty low, she asked if I had spoken to someone about it, concerned things were getting worse for me. I sent her a long text explaining there was no-one to talk to about it. She went silent and I haven’t heard from her since.
Everyday “normal” people aren’t mental health experts, they can’t be expected to know what to do to help. Gee, even the experts can’t even help you! When I was in hospital, I got no therapy or emotional help, all the nurses would do was baby sit us until the meds had worked and we were good enough to be sent back out in the big wide world. Sometimes though, I wish I was back there, being looked after, having my meals cooked for me and no responsibility. My life as I know it would be fucked of course, but hey, isn’t it already?
I am not feeling suicidal today for some reason, just emotionally numb going through the motion, what else can I do?
Thought just now, I am kinda glad I am single, the strain this would put on a relationship would be unbearable…