There seems to be a new epidemic: more and more people are unhappy. So the media tells us and so I have observed around me.
Many things are being blamed for this but in this post, I am going to concentrate on one: loneliness.
I have struggled with it directly myself, and I see how people I have come across, either via the net or in real life, view it: being alone would be the end of your world. Enough to be the main cause of depression if I am not mistaken.
Due to my vested interest in the subject, I have been mulling the concept over for a while now and today I have finally had a realisation on this issue.
See for a few months now, I have learned to be alone and like it. I actually love it now. And I have been wondering if it is a good thing and also how I got there as, trust me, I was always one to be surrounded by people. In fact, my “song” in Canada, within our group of friends (before the dynamics all fucked up after my husband and I split) was “All by Myself” – because everyone knew I could never be all by myself. Hated it.
So how on earth did I turn around?
I think it started with the realisation that my life was what it was now. Pretty much alone, single, no kids, and no family around. Know a couple of people in town, and I don’t mix business (work) with private life.
It was actually quite a powerful realisation: Acceptance.
You know, I have realised people put a lot of effort chasing dreams because they cannot accept their reality. Always wanting more, something better, something/someone who might make them happier. Or they escape from their reality as much as they can, numb themselves with brainless activity, TV, Video games or substances.
I didn’t want to do that anymore. I realised that’s what I had been doing all my life and it landed me in shitty situations. And that sure didn’t make me happier.
I then started to try and understand what it was about loneliness that was so hard. “They” (the experts) say it is to do with disconnection and isolation. Aaaah right, so if I don’t have someone in my life, I “should” feel bad.
Parallel to this, I was investigating my attachment issues which I mentioned previously I discovered earlier this year.
During my search to better understand those attachment issues, I realised why all my previous relationships had failed. All my fault ultimately. Not in a victimized way, more in a “I take full responsibility for my actions/behaviour” way.
So I realised I had work to do on myself to get to the bottom of why I did those things. This also made me realise that I just couldn’t be in a relationship whilst I am doing this search, for I needed space and clarity. Another bad relationship wouldn’t give me that.
And so I started to feel grateful I was on my own, as I could spend all the time in the world finding out who I truly was – apparently that helps to know what you truly want as well ;-).
Then I purposefully disconnected from the Facebook world as it is used, I realised there was too much noise on there from my facebook friends’ crap that was ultimately their own crap to deal with and I had no need to be exposed to it, or seeing how they were trying to fool themselves, or get validation, how great their life truly was. That coupled with the new anonymous account just to participate in groups has meant that I could fully control the noise I was exposed to.
It got me thinking that people who are feeling lonely are feeling so because they are disconnected from their “self”. They live their self through a vision they are given on how things should be. Not through their own vision.
Being alive is ultimately all you need to be able to be happy. The rest is entirely up to you.
Granted, in some situations, this isn’t quite as easy as that. I am lucky: I am healthy enough, have a roof over my head, money in the bank, and a job I enjoy. What more could I “need” for?
I now realise the Wants are entirely up to me. It is quite an empowering feeling.
Four years ago, when I lost my world and wasn’t coping well with loneliness, someone I knew said to me when I was complaining I had no support: “If you can get through this on your own two feet, you will be thankful in the future”.
That phrase helped me none then, apart from maybe pushing me to hang in there some more, but now, I completely get it.
Ultimately, your life is about you and lived by you. Only you can make it happen. Relying on other people to carry you on will only set you up for falls. If you can get yourself to carry yourself on then you’re sorted for ever.
I read a lot of confusion about what isolation means. Many people think it’s a bad thing, another way to escape the world, and for many (the ones who suffer from loneliness), it certainly feels a bad thing. They feel let down, they hate the world, their life etc.
The sooner you understand how you are responsible for your life, the sooner you will realise that being isolated from the world is a great way to reconnect with yourself. Observe the world, learn from it and other people, sort out your shit and then you can connect to the world on your OWN level.
All this was prompted by a video I saw this morning, which I watched after seeing some pretty negative, some even pretty aggressive, comments, about the poster the site had with the video:
Although this wasn’t necessarily the point of the video, one of my first thoughts watching it was how being part of the masses actually and paradoxically means being isolated:
What the masses want, think or do, you want, think or do. No matter whether it is right or not, no matter whether it aligns with your true self or not. In fact, you don’t have a true self, you are just a part of the masses. How can you know yourself if you always listen to the masses? And the masses come in all shapes and sizes these days. Any Pro, Anti movement becomes the masses.
I came to the conclusion that Isolation is the best way to properly connect with the world, nothing to be feared of, nothing to be depressed about, nothing to be lonely about: it prepares you to “Go out in the world and fuck it up beautifully”, to quote the chap in the video (Quote starts at 11:11).