My Biggest Fear


I have had two encounters recently that have made me face a truth about me – especially the last encounter.

Back in December when I went to Amsterdam, I experienced an amazing peak experience which lasted the whole time I was there.

The very first day I got there, I met with a guy at my local coffee shop my connection with blew me away.

No barriers, no pretence, it was pure being our true self. And we connected to some very deep levels, more than I had ever experienced before.

Nothing happened because I decided it was futile – and he agreed, somewhat relunctantly – but he understood completely what I meant – what we had was so magical there was no need to add physical contact – it was genuinely as if our souls had met and were playing together.

He was also at a stage of finding himself – having taken the decision a month earlier to live on the streets, to find his “creative side” again. And so I felt a romance wasn’t something he would have needed at that time. It certainly wasn’t something I wanted.

The only kissing we did was with our minds.

I left Amsterdam full of amazing memories, us talking deep into the night and discovering more and more about ourselves and each other and how we were so in tune – priceless.

I also left unsure whether I would ever see him again – and I was fine with that.

This chap however challenged me on my feelings towards love – he clearly saw I was scared of it – although he never mentioned it – he mentioned however I had trust issues.

And that bugged me – because I didn’t believe I had trust issues. In fact, I believed I trusted anyone until they inevitably in often cases, did something to utterly destroy my trust.

This morning, I woke up realising he was right – it’s not people I don’t trust however, it’s love.

My second encounter made me realise that.

A week or so ago, I decided maybe it was time to explore my sexuality again, after having discovered how amazing sex/making love could be with the American guy a couple of years ago. However I didn’t want to run the risk of getting embroiled with anyone emotionally so I joined a swingers site, which I had previously used a couple of years ago for fun.

All I had in mind was to explore my sexuality fully with someone. Along side working on my inner self, I felt I needed not to forget that part of me, which turns out to be the most important to me: sex.

Within days of joining that site, I start chatting with this guy and it is clear something is very different with him.

Like with the Amsterdam chap, I am entirely 100% myself with him and we click like a dream.

After a week on cloud 9 communicating with him, we arrange to meet. And this was yesterday.

Yesterday will go down as a peak experience day for me.

The morning was spent getting lost into each other. We couldn’t stop kissing and cuddling, both with amazing great smiles on our faces showing how happy we were and how surreal it all felt. Hours flew by and it was time to go.

Him back to his wife, me back to my life.

Yes, he is married. In an open relationship with his wife – which has worked very well that way for the past three years. She was fully aware he was meeting me, and even texted him to find out how things were going during our meet, which he very respectully responded to whilst apologising to me for the interruption.

When I first found out, I was a bit taken aback, thinking it was messy. But then I realised this was the perfect setup to prevent me from getting too involved with someone, as my aim remember was to explore myself on that aspect of my life (sex) and not to fall in love.

This morning I woke up a bit wary, I know I could easily fall in love with this man. He wants to keep seeing me, he is really looking for a long term set up rather than one offs, which was also what I was looking for, and so if we do this, I will no doubt feel closer and closer all the more and I am not sure how I can not fall in love with him if we continue this intensity.

I also woke up realising how much I was missing love in my life.

I have incredibly high expectations of what love is. I have felt it many many times towards guys, but I have never lived it – that deep intense connection that feels so good it changes your life to one of ecstasy. The type of love they sing about in the songs.

I had told that guy he wanted to be careful not to lift the hood with me, there was a lot of passion under there. He said he wanted to lift it – I think it is safe to say our encounter yesterday did just that.

And I am left this morning realising how scared I am of love. I long to give the whole of myself to someone else, I long to please someone all of the time. I long to desire deeply, be desired as deeply.

Of course this can never happen with that guy, I am perfectly aware of this and one of the reasons why I picked him, however this has made me realise how much I had longed for this kind of connection with someone and I am unsure what to do about this.

Do I close the hood firmly back down again or do I open up to receiving love?

A little while ago, whilst speaking with a friend about her biggest fear (hers turned out to be homelessness), I had thought that I couldn’t think what my biggest fear was. I know now: Love.

I hope I crack that one one day. I am not sure I am ready yet though.


One comment on “My Biggest Fear

  1. Pingback: The Problem with the World

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s