I have this innate need for connection I have realised these past few days.
Yet last year, I started a big clean up of friends which rendered me near enough friendless.
I needed space away from people to discover who I was, away from the criticisms, judgements, and other people telling me how I should be.
After a year of being a virtual hermit, I have discovered I need connections.
My connections currently are taking shape via new friends I made when in hospital, mainly through texts which suits me fine. You can always accommodate a text conversation, especially when you are in my situation, currently signed off work and with very little to do.
Yesterday, I feared I would be falling into a depression again. Which I want to avoid at all costs as it is the worst state to be in. Lonely and depressed.
Loneliness is a funny emotion too. How you can be surrounded yet feel lonely. How you can be alone and not feel lonely.
I had to dig deep yesterday because I was feeling so low – reached out to a few people I felt may be there for me.
Of course I have Richard now but he is busy with his life and keeping me entertained isn’t really his job. He has his own life and problems to contend with too. It wouldn’t be fair for me to put this on him.
So I found other people who can relate well with me, know of my journey, or part of, being sectioned themselves. One even said to call him whenever I wanted. Music to my ears having someone there for you at all time. His name is Miles and I got really close to him when sectioned at Ipswich. I am so glad we kept contact. Often in these places, you bond with people and as soon as they are discharged, they disappear. I guess they have their own life to rebuild.
My life wasn’t in shatters when I got sectioned so there isn’t much to rebuild, apart from the work situation which will come in due course.
No kids to re-introduce in my life, a home I love, yes I may have upset a few people when I was unwell but there is little I can do about it now. I have apologised when possible, the rest I can’t be chasing tails. Truth is people don’t care or want to know. I can live with that.
Lucky for the new friendships I have developed in hospital though, giving me the connection I so badly crave these days.