Depression

In March this year, my driving license was revoked due to smoking weed. My psychiatrist thought it wise to tell the dvla that I had smoked pot and it had been a factor to having a manic episode in July last year. End result, the DVLA revoked my driving license for six months.

This plunged me into a deep depression.

For the past two months, I have been signed off sick from work due to it and I spend my days watching TV, not moving from my sofa, not even to sleep (I have taken to sleeping on my sofa).

My life has taken a turn for the worst and I am at a loss what to do. Dishes are piling up in the kitchen, I rarely wash, haven’t shaved in weeks, don’t change clothes in days, barely eat, have no social interactions, I feel empty, life is passing me by and I am sat here watching it.

A few weeks ago, I ordered a liquid on line which was to put an end to my life. It is the same liquid they use to put animals to sleep. Alas, I got conned and the product never arrived. Truth be told, if suicide was easy to carry out, I wouldn’t be here.

I don’t know how long I can take of this before I gather the courage to end my life.

I never got over losing my life as I knew it six years ago when my husband left me for my best friend. That trauma provoked my first manic episode then and, three more later, I have finally accepted I have bipolar.

People keep telling me this isn’t a permanent stage and things will get better, I don’t see it.

I know what is recommended to get out of depression, exercise, eat healthy, take a hobby, but I can’t do any of it, my motivation is totally gone. You should see the state of my kitchen, mess everywhere, I avoid going in these days.

As much as I have quit the weed, I have taken to drinking. Although I don’t ever get drunk, I drink a lot, enough that it came up in the liver function tests my psychiatrist ran on me and he is now going to tell the DVLA about it. Risking loosing my license for even longer.

I can’t cope with life. I really can’t. And I don’t know what to do. I feel totally lost. I feel resentful too that I used to have such a good life and it’s all gone.

Is the depression part of the bipolar or situational? I wonder. Either way, it seems here to stay.

I don’t know how much longer I can live like this…

 

 

 

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By newpaz