I went out to a friend for dinner last night – she is truly one of my special friends too who I had forgotten to mention because our friendship is so easy, it’s like she is not there. Yet her and I have a very special connection and I feel utterly comfortable talking about anything and everything with her and even share my thoughts about stuff that happens in her life without fear of a negative reaction, it is pretty special.

When we were chatting yesterday I realised that the reason why I have disconnected so much and only let very little in my life these days is because I have been trying to cut down all the stress that was in my life. 

Stress is a nasty evil of our society these days, mainly because most of it is avoidable, yet we are surrounded by it, and it takes over all of our time, emotions and makes us behave in strange ways. Would it be created by friends, family, work or even faith. There is seldom an area of life where it isn’t present. And unfortunately the more you have it, the less able you are to be balanced. You will react to it in negative ways, always, even with the positive stress, if there is enough of it. Positive stress is actually what led me to my psychosis. 

At the time, I was feeling very happy and very positive, good things were happening to me all the time and it all became too much for me. They do say you can have too much of a good thing hey.  And so all this grounded to a halt when I was taken to a mental health ward to “calm down”. It did me the world of good and I thoroughly enjoyed my stay. There was very little to do there, everything was taken care of for you, apart from your laundry – although they do offer some great activities too, such as cooking, the gym, art etc some of which I joined when I felt ready. The whole environment puts no pressure on you though and it gives you time to think and process. And this is also the reason why I stayed two weeks, when I could have been discharged sooner. I remember when I was discharged, one of the nurses I was saying goodbye to said “I don’t understand what you were doing here anyway”. Well I did. I needed that complete break from my world. I had become too stressed.

Thinking back, even my care co-ordinator said to me after an hour of chatting that her job would be to put the breaks on me. Luckily, she hasn’t needed to do that, because it seems I learned that lesson.

So since being back, I am now realising that I have reduced the stress in my life to a bare minimum, to the point it is now non-existent, apart from what “life throws at you”. And work.

Work is actually quite interesting. It is at the most stressful that we have ever known it – we are still shortstaffed and even more so these days as people are getting sick, while others have holidays to use up before Christmas all the while when more duties are being passed down to us from other teams, the abandoned calls rate has gone from under 5% to about 30%, which means there are always about 6 calls waiting – the board that display this information goes red when there are more than 3 calls waiting, not a calming colour. Luckily that board is behind me so I don’t get to see it – some of our customers even have to wait 30 minutes regularly – unheard of.

Yet I am managing to function well, still develop a good rapport with our customers, an even better ones as they are still friendly when we chat, despite the fact that they have waited so long to get an answer. The team is getting closer too, as “we are all in this together” and we do the best we can to still provide the best service possible.

With no stress in my life, I can handle the work stress, which is necessary as I need money to live. Again, luckily I love the job I do as I couldn’t do it under such stressful conditions, without a doubt.

I have a book I bought in Canada before I left two years ago, it’s called “Dance first, think later”. The irony is that it is 425 pages of quotes telling you how to be. So erm, kinda makes you think.

My eyes keep falling on this book recently and think about its message. And I have decided I don’t believe it’s right. By dancing first and thinking later, you are only pushing away the necessary to be able to dance. And this is the problem in this world, people would rather escape it than deal with their feelings and thoughts, and this avoidance creates more stress as the cycle continues.

I know some stress in life is unavoidable, however, most is. By disconnecting myself from everything, I can understand better how the unavoidable stress affects me and learn to deal with it. 

And it seems it is working – what happened with my lodger earlier in the week would have in the past caused me a lot of stress, even reached for a beer or 4 or a bottle of wine, to “calm myself down”.

It only unsettled me the evening it happened, where I was trying to understand how it all went so wrong so quickly. I wasn’t surprised as I knew how messed up my lodger was and I had tried hard to accompany him on his self discovery journey, until he met my friend and everything went out of the window. He reverted back to what he does best, and that is to forget himself completely and throw himself into this new love interest with full gusto. Knowing that, it made it easier for me to deal with.

The following day, I was fine with what happened, understanding fully why it had and my job was to make both of them fine with it too, ultimately I wish nothing but happiness for either of them and they now know that. There are no hard feelings, everything is back to normal now. And I only managed that because I had no-one to tell me what to do or what to feel when it all happened, I had to draw into myself to find a way to deal with the situation. I was pretty pleased how it went.

Only by truly understanding who you truly are can you deal with upsetting situations. And to understand truly who you are, you need to have a break from the usual life stresses, and people, who give you most of the stress! Then, you can function well in reality and even better make a true difference to this world.

I have observed many awakened people go on retreats, some with monks, some drop everything they ever know and start a new life.

Well not this awakened one here. I actually love my little world, and the big wide world and I want to stay in it.

I made that decision during my psychosis weekend.

Something strange happened to me with my laptop and I was presented with options of what to do with it – I now realise it was something to do with my screen display, although I have no clue how the option came up (I am using Windows 8 which is a challenge!) but I have seen it come up since so I know it’s there somewhere. 

Anyway, when the window came up, there were options concerning the display and little icons showing you the different options. I sat there for a while contemplating the options – to me, in my psychosis mode, the choices I was given were: “normal” (carry on my life as it was), alternate (change my current reality to a different one), dual (get another same reality and with a different chance) and a few other options along those lines – I sat there a while looking at the options, I eventually decided on one. The one I chose was “normal”.

Awakened people have this notion that something big is going to happen and most are waiting for “someone” to come and “save” this world and so it renders them powerless. They are filled with a sense of excitement but nothing much is happening and so they struggle to understand what is going on. They are in constant state of waiting, which really isn’t a nice feeling.

This awakened blogger here won’t be waiting for anything. She loves this world with a passion and won’t be waiting for anyone to “save us all”. The answers are within each of us to take responsibility for our impact on this world, our own personal impact, that no-one can tell you whether it is right or wrong, only you are the master of yourself. Once more and more people realise this, this world will be safe and a much better place to live.

My advice would be: get rid of all the stress you can, positive or negative, whilst still living in the normal world, and you will start to find your inner self. And that inner self will change you into the person you truly are. And you will find you are actually amazing. And amazing people can change the world 🙂

Trust no-one

Since being awakened, I have started to have trust issues.

Not entirely surprising I guess after the man I love left me for my best friend I hear you say, but it goes deeper than this. I am starting to realise I cannot trust anyone, because people are human, and thus affected by all sorts of issues I know nothing about, which will make them behave in ways I have no control about.

I guess this is where my feeling of disconnection comes from. It’s ok though as ultimately the only person you can trust 100% is yourself, even if some can’t even do that.

I used to trust people at the drop of the hat, everyone I would meet could become my best friend. Now I am wiser. A very good thing as it will prevent the disastrous friendships/relationships I got myself involved in in future. And this attachment problem too. People come, people go and I am happy to accept that now. Such is the circle of life.

I trust my family though, that’s a plus. And there is one or two people in my life I trust as well.

The more I discover myself, the more I feel able to trust my judgement. Priceless 🙂


What is being awakened?

I have been talking a lot about awakening in this blog and am conscious that not everyone will know what it means.

I am still learning myself, lots everyday, but felt maybe it was time to explain it a bit more.

Being awakened means you are fully connected with everything. It means everything you experience, everything you see, every moment of the day and night has meaning.

That’s really the best way I can explain it to those who are not awakened.

It is a big take.  And so I am surrounding myself more and more by what makes me feel good, I have to, as I feel everything deeply.

My Facebook newsfeed for example is filled with positive or powerful thoughts, funny videos, heartwarming stories.

The music I listen to is mainly Electronic, loving Vocal Trance or Chillout, but also groups like Faithless, and others that have a very strong message to deliver.

And I started to choose my battles carefully. I will only pick subjects where I feel I can make a difference, others I will absolutely leave alone, because I know there are issues but I cannot, as an individual, make a difference and so I leave that in the hands of powers that be and trust them that something will be done about it.

Every day, I am learning a new piece of the puzzle, about me, and about the bigger picture. I am lucky to be exposed to enough information to help me on this journey, and not too much that my brain can’t handle. I have also learned not to worry if I don’t understand everything, the little snippets of information that matter get to my brain.

I am absolutely not cultured, and, in a way, I think this is helping my journey. My brain isn’t bogged down with useless information.

I was speaking to the one of my friends I can talk about this last night, and after listening to me for a while, she said, sounds like you are reborn.

Yes, that is exactly how I feel. Reborn. My feelings are very childlike, I laugh easily, I cry easily too when I see something painful. I am starting to feel no shame expressing my feelings, to myself anyway, as I don’t feel the world, my world, is fully ready for me. If I opened myself fully, I will probably find myself alone, labelled as insane, as people tend to do these days when confronted with something they have no clue about.

It’s happened twice to me already, during my first two periods of awakening, I have learned my lesson.

And yes, I know I am taking a leap of faith with this blog, as a few people in my life know of it, but I am not scared. I think it is clear through my writing that I am not insane. And most of the people who know this blog address seem too preoccupied with their life to give it any attention.

One thing I need to be clear about, being awakened has nothing to do with religion. Absolutely nothing, although some religions have touched on the truth, none have got it right, and worst still, have created monsters who like to control people via fear.

Being awakened has nothing to do with fear. Everything to do with hope.

Being awakened is like the light has been switched on, and now I am taking time looking around the room, and seeing what is there, the bad, the ugly, and the good. Full awareness is not a bed of roses, far from it since you see everything, and frankly the world is a pretty messed up place. However, as I mentioned earlier, being awakened also means you have hope. For, if I feel this way right now, I am pretty sure a few people around the globe are feeling the same. In fact, I know they are as I come across them in the various pages I have joined on Facebook.

And although feeling disconnected at the moment, I know it won’t be long before, somehow, the awakened are called into oneness.

Deep stuff huh? Yep, pretty much, lucky for my “normal” life. I am so glad I have found my balance so quickly after my first awakening moments. Truly I am. Now I can finally enjoy life 🙂


Little experiment

I don’t think my Facebook friends are ready or open minded enough to see the new me, the Awakened Paz. So I have decided to open a new Facebook account, as anonymous as can be whilst still being me and explore this awakening without boundaries.

In that account, I shall accept any friend’s requests I get and express myself any way I choose. It’s brand new and only opened today.

If you want to befriend me there, here’s my name: Paz Awakened. The picture below will help you find me…

May be see you there 🙂


The Loss of Conscience

Since writing my entry yesterday, this subject had been on my mind.

I woke up quite abruptly from a strange dream an hour ago. I had a dream that I had the power to change the world and I was faced with some tough decisions.

I woke up feeling rather anxious and quite similar to how I felt when I descended into my “Psychosis”: Surreal. 

I was very scared that, as much as I have the power to make my world a better one, I also had the power to make it a terrible one.

As I pondered that thought anxiously smoking a cigarette (my only vice left) and drinking a tea, trying to settle my thoughts – I didn’t want another Psychosis thank you very much – the answer came to me.

What had bugged me about my friend and his apology was that it lacked Conscience. It’s not the hurt he caused his friends and family that he should have apologised to me for but for the loss of someone’s life.

These thoughts then took me to my husband. He said he still cared about me “very much so” yet he is still with my best friend. How can someone who cares inflict such pain on someone he knows loves him still (me)?

And that’s when I realised it is all about conscience.

Most of the human race seems to have little or no conscience these days. Or their conscience is misplaced.

Pure conscience doesn’t need values, religions or any outside influence to be true.

I guess this was my awakening: my conscience is bigger than most. I care about so much these days, any injustice and misery in this world touches my heart. Because I want to be happy, and one cannot be happy without a conscience. 

The deeper my conscience, the happier my world. Simple.

It doesn’t mean I can change everything and right all the wrongs, it means I am able to feel the pain, and thanks to my newly acquired spiritual faith, I trust everything will be alright in the end. 

So I am now able to carry on my everyday business, “feeling” as I go along, trying to help people I come across who need help. There are plenty around for me to feel I am making a difference to my world. 

I have recently befriended an older man I met at the Mental Health ward. He lives in the same town as me and suffers from depression and schizophrenia. I said I would keep in touch with him after our stays because he lived so close, it’d be silly not to.

I have gone to see him twice now and every time I leave, he gives me a big hug and a deep, heartfelt thank you. I feel embarrassed when he does that, because it is me that want to thank him. And I do. He doesn’t seem to realise how happy our encounters make me. To be able to share the love, and learn each time a little more about how wonderful people are. This chap is a gem to me. He is fascinating and little by little, I see him change, as he realises, through our chats, that life is worth living. He really is a wonderful man and one day, I hope he will see it himself.

Every encounter fills me with this joy as the moment, the best of all, I have returned to work this week and straight away, I picked up where I left off. I am so happy to be back at work because this job gives me all the happiness I could wish for: speaking to people all day long making them happy by sorting out their IT problems, I really am lucky 🙂

As for my husband, well, I cannot do anything about his lack of conscience. I am happy to let this go now. I hope one day he gets his awakening too. Because I know he has a conscience, it’s just barricaded as is often the case with people as he has had to go through some traumatic stuff in his life too. I have faith one day he will fully wake up. This isn’t up to me though.

The good news is everyone has a conscience, I believe one is born with one. Life, experiences, positive and negative, affect people’s conscience though. Some protect themselves, some misunderstand how to use it, but all have one. 

I hear there is a big awakening happening in the world, more and more people are getting in touch with their true conscience and starting to stand up for what they believe – actions speak louder than words – and that is good news 🙂

The Event that changed my Life

I have been pondering recently how this transformation of mine happened, when it really started.

This morning, whilst looking up a book a new friend suggested I looked up when she heard my take on my psychosis – The Devil and Miss Prym, it came to me. 

In May 2011, a friend of mine in Canada killed someone and I was faced with some tough decisions to make. Emotionally decisions. Decisions which shambled my life.

It all started on a normal Monday, my best friend came to find my husband and I and started crying when she told us one of our friends, also her best friend, was in trouble.

She had heard there was a beating and our friend had gone AWOL. At first, she thought our friend was hurt and hiding somewhere. She was scared of looking for him as she was scared of what she would find.

As the story unfolded, our friend was eventually found and arrested by the Police when he was on his way to the City, to “file his taxes” we later heard.

The facts that emerged at the very start were that him and his good friend were getting drunk around a firepit, and they had an argument and our friend beat up his friend, then put his body in the trunk of his car, drove him two blocks away and dumped the body in a ditch. Someone found the body in the early hours of the morning – incidently someone I started to work for not long after and, overhearing a telephone conversation, I got to hear exactly the state the body was in when he called for an ambulance as the chap was actually still alive. He was then air-transported to a hospital when he was put on a life support machine. A couple of days later, his family decided to stop the life support machine and he died.

This is the story how we know it before my best friend – Let’s call her V – was advised by our friend’s lawyer to keep quiet as anything she might say would harm his defense, which was going to be self defense.

This event sent me spiralling. Or, as I now realise, woke me up.

While everybody had their two cents to say – telling me I should support him, or telling me how could I stand by him, I was left with my own conscience to decide how I should feel.

For a couple of weeks, I was absolutely lost: here was a man I adored having committed the ultimate crime in my eyes: he had taken someone’s life.

I drunk, I smoked, I tried to forget, I tried to forgive, I tried to make sense but I couldn’t. I talked to my family, I talked to friends, I talked to the Church but no-one could give me the answer I was looking for.

At first, my husband was very supportive towards me, he let me talk about it whenever I felt the need, trying to help me come to terms with it.

One day, the day after my birthday, after having spent the evening arguing with my friends how it wasn’t as simple as just forgiving him, I decided it was time to go and see our friend who was then out of remand, I thought hopefully seeing him would give me an answer. Up until then, I had not been able to face him.

I will never forget that meeting. When I saw him, he came towards me opening his arms and gave me the biggest hug I had ever needed, squeezing me tight, and saying he was sorry. I looked into his eyes which filled with tears and he said again he was sorry.

This was just what I needed. I felt the love flowing through that hug and I had needed to feel this. As we were still hugging, he said “I am sorry for the pain I have caused”. This woke me up. 

We then had a semi-typical evening, having chats about various things over coffee.

Life went back to normal after this meeting, except, I didn’t. He had said he was sorry for the pain he had caused. Not for taking someone’s life. Big difference to me.

Our little group of friends seemed happy to carry on as before, organising gathering where our friend attended, as if nothing had happened. One evening my friend V had got a new car and joked how many body could fit in the trunk and got inside and invited friends to join her. It was then I started to feel detached from them.

A few days after our meeting, my husband came home after a training day and announced to me that he no longer had a problem with what our friend had done as he realised that, after all, we didn’t really know what had happened and our friend had done nothing wrong to us and he was therefore able to forgive him, even more, there was nothing to forgive.

This is when our paths changed. I couldn’t support my husband’s decision.

The known facts were enough: he beat someone to near death, moved the body to a ditch and left him to die. Worst still, he seemed to show no remorse.

I kept quiet though because our little group of friends didn’t want to know. I had tried to express my opinions but no-one was of the same and they made me feel like there was a problem with me – “they could forgive and support him, how come I couldn’t?”

I started to feel alienated from the group. I started to escape more using alcohol and pot, but it didn’t work. I couldn’t ignore what my heart and head were telling me: something was badly wrong that life could go on, our friend could carry on socialising with us as if nothing had happened when a man was dead.

Now the victim wasn’t the best of character, granted. He was an aggressive alcoholic, a wife abuser, and many other bad things. Our friend however was one of his best friends. He had chosen to be his friend despite this guy’s well deserved reputation. Yet, he killed him.

I remember even going to see the church, on my best friend V’s advice. It helped somewhat to empty my thoughts, but the only answer they could give me was only God could judge. Oh, so I wasn’t allowed to pass judgement then?

About a month later, at the beginning of June, my husband and I separated. It had nothing to do with this incident, however, looking back, it had everything to do with it. My husband decided to forgive and forget what this man had done, worse still, he had decided there was nothing to forgive. I, however, cannot forgive.

This is where everything really changed for me. I no longer was the amiable person I was before, trying to go with the flow. I could no longer go with the flow: I became my own person. And I stood alone. Even apparently, according to the Salvation Army, defiant to God’s will. 

All it took to convince me that I was on the right track was a mark our friend was proud of showing during the first dinner party V threw in his honour. A little scratch on his hand. that he proudly showed during that dinner party.

This little mark on his hand was his justification of the beating his friend received. Self defense indeed. I wasn’t duped. My eyes were fully open. 

My husband chose V over me. He chose wisely.

The Book that is changing my life

Similar to my previous post as to which piece of advice from my father has changed my life, I was always stuck with the question, “which book has changed your life?”.

I now realise I hadn’t found it yet.

A few weeks ago, as I was having dinner at a Church, a weekly ritual girl friends and I had started for no other reason that for the yummy home-made food they served very cheaply every Friday night, there was a display of “stuff” on a table. I went to have a look and a book caught my eye for its cover and its title.

It was a very simple cover, with grey fish going one direction and a bright Orange fish going the other direction and the title was: “Think differently, Live differently”. 

The reduced price was really appealing to me too. 

I picked it up, flicked through it to see whether it was full of bible bashing stuff, noted it wasn’t and put it down again to browse more items, stones had caught my eyes and I picked up one which said “Smile”.

I picked up the book again and decided, “what the heck, I’ll buy it!”.

As soon as I started reading it, I knew I had made the right decision.

Now, I have a problem reading books, usually my brain doesn’t switch off long enough to concentrate on words for a long period of time, hence why there is no way I could ever read the bible or why I prefer posters with simple sentences to learn. So I have since picked up and dropped this book many a time.

But every time I pick it up, I have awakening moments. This morning, the book finally revealed to me everything I have ever felt about the bible and more recently God.

This book is an affirmation that everything I believe is true. I am not learning it from any books, people, or anything else, I have learned it through my thinking. That’s the magic of this book to me, confirming I am right in my beliefs.

If you are struggling with your Faith, I would highly recommend this book.

I have also noticed that it comes in different covers on ebay, amazon etc, I would suggest picking the one which cover works best for you. Funny that, there is a saying that says “don’t judge a book by its cover”, well in this instance, I highly recommend you do.

And if you don’t find one that fits, don’t buy it, you won’t be ready for it.


My father the Hero


Have you ever been asked “what’s the best advice your father gave you?”

I have usually struggled with that question, unsure what its answer might be, As fathers do, he has given me a few advice throughout the years, none particular stuck to mind.

However, this morning, it dawn on me that the best piece of advice was given to me during my first psychosis two years ago.

I am going to call those psychosis awakening moments from now on because, to me, that’s what they are.

I had my first awakening when I was at a friend’s house in Reading, UK. I was visiting from Canada to see whether I could move back to this Country after splitting from my husband in Canada and was staying at hers before going to Norfolk, where I still had a house.

I will never forget that true awakening moment, I fell to my kness, in fload of tears, put my hands together as if praying, looked above me and kept saying “Thank you” over and over again, thank you that He chose me, thank you for revealing himself to me. That was in my friend’s spare bedroom.

The moments that follow were a bit crazy, I decided that I should walk the streets with as little possession as possible and help people wherever I was needed, and that my friend’s little girl should decide what I needed to take with me, as being a child, she was pure.

The only thing I was worried about was my passport, it would have needed to stay in a safe place.

I called my mum to let her know she should be proud of her daughter for she had been chosen to be the second coming, I also emailed a friend saying I had just discovered we were all going to heaven.

My dad was straight on the phone to try and bring me down back to Earth. As I was listening to him I was looking out the window in that bedroom and my eyes fixed on a Tree.

The words he said that possibly changed my life were: “Le Paradis est sur Terre, pas dans le ciel” – Paradise (heaven) is on Earth, not in the Sky.

Most powerful words he ever spoke to me, and only now do I understand truly their significance.

Today, I am so happy to be alive 🙂 Merci Papa.