The Loss of Conscience

Since writing my entry yesterday, this subject had been on my mind.

I woke up quite abruptly from a strange dream an hour ago. I had a dream that I had the power to change the world and I was faced with some tough decisions.

I woke up feeling rather anxious and quite similar to how I felt when I descended into my “Psychosis”: Surreal. 

I was very scared that, as much as I have the power to make my world a better one, I also had the power to make it a terrible one.

As I pondered that thought anxiously smoking a cigarette (my only vice left) and drinking a tea, trying to settle my thoughts – I didn’t want another Psychosis thank you very much – the answer came to me.

What had bugged me about my friend and his apology was that it lacked Conscience. It’s not the hurt he caused his friends and family that he should have apologised to me for but for the loss of someone’s life.

These thoughts then took me to my husband. He said he still cared about me “very much so” yet he is still with my best friend. How can someone who cares inflict such pain on someone he knows loves him still (me)?

And that’s when I realised it is all about conscience.

Most of the human race seems to have little or no conscience these days. Or their conscience is misplaced.

Pure conscience doesn’t need values, religions or any outside influence to be true.

I guess this was my awakening: my conscience is bigger than most. I care about so much these days, any injustice and misery in this world touches my heart. Because I want to be happy, and one cannot be happy without a conscience. 

The deeper my conscience, the happier my world. Simple.

It doesn’t mean I can change everything and right all the wrongs, it means I am able to feel the pain, and thanks to my newly acquired spiritual faith, I trust everything will be alright in the end. 

So I am now able to carry on my everyday business, “feeling” as I go along, trying to help people I come across who need help. There are plenty around for me to feel I am making a difference to my world. 

I have recently befriended an older man I met at the Mental Health ward. He lives in the same town as me and suffers from depression and schizophrenia. I said I would keep in touch with him after our stays because he lived so close, it’d be silly not to.

I have gone to see him twice now and every time I leave, he gives me a big hug and a deep, heartfelt thank you. I feel embarrassed when he does that, because it is me that want to thank him. And I do. He doesn’t seem to realise how happy our encounters make me. To be able to share the love, and learn each time a little more about how wonderful people are. This chap is a gem to me. He is fascinating and little by little, I see him change, as he realises, through our chats, that life is worth living. He really is a wonderful man and one day, I hope he will see it himself.

Every encounter fills me with this joy as the moment, the best of all, I have returned to work this week and straight away, I picked up where I left off. I am so happy to be back at work because this job gives me all the happiness I could wish for: speaking to people all day long making them happy by sorting out their IT problems, I really am lucky 🙂

As for my husband, well, I cannot do anything about his lack of conscience. I am happy to let this go now. I hope one day he gets his awakening too. Because I know he has a conscience, it’s just barricaded as is often the case with people as he has had to go through some traumatic stuff in his life too. I have faith one day he will fully wake up. This isn’t up to me though.

The good news is everyone has a conscience, I believe one is born with one. Life, experiences, positive and negative, affect people’s conscience though. Some protect themselves, some misunderstand how to use it, but all have one. 

I hear there is a big awakening happening in the world, more and more people are getting in touch with their true conscience and starting to stand up for what they believe – actions speak louder than words – and that is good news 🙂

Disconnected

Since being “connected“, I seem to have a new problem: feeling disconnected to some people, mainly the people who knew the old me.

I wish I could just start afresh somewhere new. My outlook on life has changed so much that I don’t know how I will fare in my old world.

This morning, I went to have my appointment with my care co-ordinator, only to find that she was unwell and unable to make it.

I decided to have a coffee in a place I’ve never been, right opposite the medical centre and to have a bacon sandwich. I went outside to eat it so I could smoke and an older man came to sit at the same table, the only one outside.

I had one of those strange encounters with him, the ones you know happen for a reason.

We had a bit of a chat and he went on his way, after leaving me bits of wisdom for me to ponder, in particular he said I seemed to worry too much. He told me that after we had chatted 5 minutes and only about this and that.

On the way back home by foot, feeling quite light and listening to my mp3 (Faithless was playing) as I had left my car at the garage for its service, I met the neighbour at whose house I experienced my psychosis 3 weeks ago.

We hadn’t seen each other since that time and it took a lot of strength for me to say hi and speak to her.

I was scared of her reaction to me. She witnessed something literally out of this world and I know she had been traumatised by it. I know because my primary nurse spoke to her at one point when I was in hospital and my neighbour refused to give her the information she was asking because she told her she didn’t know whether she could trust her and that it wasn’t me on the phone. Being french, I have a very distinctive accent, also, the information she was after wasn’t that big a deal (who was organising to have my cats looked after).

Despite my fears, I decided it was time to face her so I crossed the road to meet her and said hi and had a chat. As we were talking I could see her eyes tearing up, she is a very sensitive girl too and I could sense the pain of what she saw was coming back to her.

I told her I would be going back to work on Friday after an assessment, she asked me if I felt ready and I answered I hoped so, as I needed the money. She said “don’t rush it”.

This is my problem, I want a normal life again, despite everything having changed. 

I am a little worried about not belonging in this world any more, knowing what I know. It’s a bit scary, I guess this is where Faith comes into it – I need to trust everything will be ok for me, and not necessarily as I plan it.

And the penny drops

I have been struggling to understand what is happening to me recently and, following a chat with a scientist friend of mine tonight, the penny has finally dropped.

Booze free, drug free, regret free, secret free, I have finally reached this state, all by myself (ish):

 

😀