Since being “connected“, I seem to have a new problem: feeling disconnected to some people, mainly the people who knew the old me.
I wish I could just start afresh somewhere new. My outlook on life has changed so much that I don’t know how I will fare in my old world.
This morning, I went to have my appointment with my care co-ordinator, only to find that she was unwell and unable to make it.
I decided to have a coffee in a place I’ve never been, right opposite the medical centre and to have a bacon sandwich. I went outside to eat it so I could smoke and an older man came to sit at the same table, the only one outside.
I had one of those strange encounters with him, the ones you know happen for a reason.
We had a bit of a chat and he went on his way, after leaving me bits of wisdom for me to ponder, in particular he said I seemed to worry too much. He told me that after we had chatted 5 minutes and only about this and that.
On the way back home by foot, feeling quite light and listening to my mp3 (Faithless was playing) as I had left my car at the garage for its service, I met the neighbour at whose house I experienced my psychosis 3 weeks ago.
We hadn’t seen each other since that time and it took a lot of strength for me to say hi and speak to her.
I was scared of her reaction to me. She witnessed something literally out of this world and I know she had been traumatised by it. I know because my primary nurse spoke to her at one point when I was in hospital and my neighbour refused to give her the information she was asking because she told her she didn’t know whether she could trust her and that it wasn’t me on the phone. Being french, I have a very distinctive accent, also, the information she was after wasn’t that big a deal (who was organising to have my cats looked after).
Despite my fears, I decided it was time to face her so I crossed the road to meet her and said hi and had a chat. As we were talking I could see her eyes tearing up, she is a very sensitive girl too and I could sense the pain of what she saw was coming back to her.
I told her I would be going back to work on Friday after an assessment, she asked me if I felt ready and I answered I hoped so, as I needed the money. She said “don’t rush it”.
This is my problem, I want a normal life again, despite everything having changed.
I am a little worried about not belonging in this world any more, knowing what I know. It’s a bit scary, I guess this is where Faith comes into it – I need to trust everything will be ok for me, and not necessarily as I plan it.