On Christmas day, when you hopefully spend time with your loved ones, when you feel stuffed with all the yummy food you have had and maybe slightly tipsy thanks to the nice wine and liqueur you have enjoyed, please appreciate what you have and who is in your life…and maybe give a little thought to the rest of the world, and in particular those who aren’t so lucky as you. 

I know I will be missing a few people on the day, and the thought is tough, but I will be spending Christmas where I feel I belong this year, in Africa. I don’t know what will happen on the day, but I am hoping to get involved at the local orphanage. I would love nothing more than spend Christmas day surrounded by children.

There comes a time when we heed a certain call 
When the world must come together as one 
There are people dying 
And its time to lend a hand to life 
The greatest gift of all 

We can’t go on pretending day by day 
That someone, will soon make a change 
We are all a part of Gods great big family 
And the truth, you know, 
Love is all we need 

We are the world, we are the children 
We are the ones who make a brighter day 
So lets start giving 
There’s a choice we’re making 
We’re saving our own lives 
Its true we’ll make a better day 
Just you and me 

Send them your heart so they’ll know that someone cares 
And their lives will be stronger and free 
As God has shown us by turning stones to bread 
So we all must lend a helping hand 


When you’re down and out, there seems no hope at all 
But if you just believe there’s no way we can fall well well well well 
Let us realize that a change can only come 
When we stand together as one 


And maybe review where you are in your life and decide whether 2014 will be the year you change and take action.

Whether long-range weapon or suicide bomber
Wicked mind is a weapon of mass destruction
Whether soaraway Sun or BBC 1
Misinformation is a weapon of mass destruct
You coulda Caucasian or a poor Asian
Racism is a weapon of mass destruction
Whether inflation or globalization
Fear is a weapon of mass destruction

My dad came into my room holding his hat
I knew he was leaving,
He sat on my bed told me some facts.
Son, I have a duty, calling on me
You and your sister be brave my little soldier
And don’t forget all I told ya
You’re the mister of the house now remember this
And when you wake up in the morning give ya momma a kiss
Then I had to say goodbye
In the morning woke momma with a kiss on each eyelid,
Even though I’m only a kid
Certain things can’t be hid
Momma grabbed me
Held me like I was made of gold
But left her inner stories untold
I said, momma it will be alright
When daddy comes home, tonight

Whether Halliburton, Enron or anyone
Greed is a weapon of mass destruction

We need to find courage, overcome
Inaction is a weapon of mass destruction (x3)

Whether Halliburton, Enron or anyone
Greed is a weapon of mass destruction

We need to find courage, overcome
Inaction is a weapon of mass destruction (x3)

My story stops here, let’s be clear,
This scenario is happening everywhere.
And you ain’t going to nirvana or far-vana,
you’re coming right back here to live out your karma.
With even more drama than previously, seriously.
Just how many centuries have we been
waiting for someone else to make us free?
And we refuse to see
that people overseas suffer just like we:
Bad leadership and ego’s unfettered and free
Who feed on the people they’re supposed to lead
I don’t need good people to pray and wait
For the lord to make it all straight.
There’s only now, do it right.
‘Cos I don’t want your daddy, leaving home tonight

Whether Halliburton Enron or anyone
Greed is a weapon of mass destruction

We need to find courage, overcome
Inaction is a weapon of mass destruction


TOGETHER, we can make a difference.

“We Come 1”

All the subtle flavors of my life
Are become bitter seeds
And poisoned leaves
Without you

You represent what’s true
I drain the color from the sky
And turn blue
Without you

These arms lack a purpose
Flapping like a humming-bird
I’m nervous ’cause
I’m the left eye
You’re the right

Would it not be madness to fight
We come 1

In you the song which rights my wrongs
In you the fullness of living
The power to begin again
From right now, in you

We come 1

I’m unafraid
Never never scared
Worries washed
Pressed air
I am the left eye
You’re the right
Would it not be madness to fight

We come 1


Changing yourself can be a tough process…all you need though is faith in yourself, face who you have been, realise you cannot be perfect, open your heart and you will see how amazing you are. You won’t need to be “screaming under your skin” anymore.

Dido :
How can I change the world if I can’t even change myself ?
I cannot change the way I am ?
I don’t know, I don’t know.

Maxi Jazz :
I wanna take a look at the world behind these eyes,
Every nook, every cranny reorganise,
Realise my face don’t fit the way I feel.
What’s real ?
I need a mirror to check my face is in place,
Incase of upheaval, fundamental movement below,
What’s really going on I wanna know,
But yo, we don’t show on the outside, so slide.
Just below my skin I’m screaming…

I need a mirror for my spirit,
Yeah, can you feel it ?
When I get deep, wanna hear myself sleep,
Not drowning, just tumbling around and around in the voices
Like a crowd in my head so loud,
I wonder what it’s like to be dead,
I hope it’s quiet, noise in my head like a riot,
Any remedy you have for me I’ll try it.
Just below my skin I’m screaming…

I’m going deep, so deep that I can’t sleep,
The pills ain’t cheap but the bills are steep,
So I lick up with a booze and a spliff,
Try to snooze,
But who’s dreaming, I ain’t, this is win or lose,
Put down the drink, try not to think,
Let it go, fundamental movement below,
And yo, reality is dreaming,
Just below my skin I’m screaming…


Faithless is one of my all time favourite groups, unfortunately I heard on Friday that the chap has lost his way big time, thanks to the drugs. I hope he wakes up and pulls through.

Anyway, to finish, I wanted to remind the world something….

My deepest fear

Last Thursday, I found out something about me that I hadn’t realised I had: a fear of failure.

It all came out at the Public Speaking class. I had been given some exercise to learn some tongue twisters, task which I found really easy, and I even surprised myself how quickly I learned them, it took me reading each sentence twice before they became ingrained in my mind. I have noticed this little skill of mine in the past, I have an interesting memory. I can remember a variety of “useless” information, such as phone numbers etc, yet I choose to not remember other information which may be more useful. It all depends what I consciously decide to remember.

Anyway, so I went to my class, feeling pretty pleased with myself that I knew those phrases inside out, I had practiced on friends and workmates, yet I was feeling anxious. It was one thing to do this in front of people I knew and felt comfortable with, it was another to do it in front of the “master”.

And without fail, I messed them up the first go, and the third. I would get it right, then do it again and get it wrong. I was starting to feel frustrated with myself and I guess he saw that and, after trying to reassure me I had done a great job, we moved on to another exercise. Which again I didn’t do too well at. Well, he said I did fine, but in my heart, I didn’t. I had got what he wanted out of me, yet I had struggled doing it, and I was getting more and more frustrated and annoyed with myself.

As I left the class, I felt a bit deflated. Suddenly, now I was struggling, it wasn’t so enjoyable anymore. Yet that made me happy. At last, I was learning something. I knew I was learning because I knew I wasn’t “that good” at it.

I still don’t know why I am doing these classes as I have no plans to speak publicly, however I am all the more excited that I am doing them now. At last I am pushing my boundaries properly, and it feels good.

I have since been thinking about what happened that evening and why I felt so annoyed and frustrated with myself when I got it wrong. And I realised I had a fear of failure.

I am confused about that fear because, when I look at my past, all I see is achievements, some, many people would never dream of attempting – I have successfully established myself in the UK from France at the age of 19, I am entirely bilingual, I have travelled a lot, sometimes on my own, I have moved to Canada and back within a two year period, I have dealt with the trauma of losing the man I loved and two years on, I am on the right path. I have never been out of work unless I had wanted to. I started my own business in Canada which became successful within a couple of months of launching, my most memorable achievement has been to be a Reporter in English, for a local newspaper in Canada, and I was, from the feedback I received, very much liked by the locals.

All this clearly demonstrate that when I want something, it happens. I don’t even have work hard at it as all my past achievements just happened, I never struggled to make any happen. I wanted it and I did it – that simple.

Yet, I seem to have a fear of failure.

So this morning, I decided to check Ask Teal if she had anything to say about it, but couldn’t find anything. So I widened my search to the web and found something that answered my questions.

It isn’t a fear of failure I have, it’s a fear of success! (thank you tinybuddha).

And this is why I still haven’t started on my life video. My dreams are bigger than life, my ultimate dream is for the world to be a better place, heaven on earth, as I thoroughly believe it is possible. However how is little old me going to make that happen? Especially when I much prefer being a nobody, as I mentioned in a previous post. I don’t want fame and fortune, I don’t want “followers”, I don’t want to be recognised. I just want to be me and carry on in my life unnoticed.

I had also mentioned in a previous post that most awakened people have this drive to help others awaken, and I am very thankful for it, because they have helped me on my path without a doubt. Yet, I don’t have that drive.

My drive is to make a difference to this world. I want to know that, when I die, this world is going to be ok. Better than ok even. I want to know that abuse of any kind is gone and all people live happy and helping each other out to keep the fragile balance of existence.

Luckily, recently, I have seen a lot of amazing news that this is starting to happen. People everywhere are definitely waking up to the reality man has created and are working together to right the wrongs. It is really heartwarming. I just wish I could contribute to this somehow.

And this is when my faith and patience come into it so I don’t feel too frustrated. I know one day my answer will come to me and it will all come together. I just have to be patient. And have faith. God and I had a “little chat” the night before my psychosis, and I agreed to leave my fate in his hands. For He knows best.

The Man who Broke me

A few weeks ago, I had my first ever Reiki session. I had been looking for various ways to help me process, chill out, meditate, sort myself out in other words and I thought I’d try Reiki.

The experience was pretty unexpected, I will admit. The night that followed the session, I broke down in tears when I got to bed, even though I had been feeling fine up to then, and as I found myself in the fetal position, I soon realised I was starting to connect with my inner child.

The lady who carried out the Reiki told me after the session that something bad had happened to me a long time ago and I had spent all my life building a wall to protect myself from pain and to be able to function, and that my wall had started to crumble. She said I needed to take it easy as I was very vulnerable at the moment.

Straight away, I thought she was referring to my first sexual experience, which had been really bad. But soon after I realised that I had it wrong. The experience I had tried to forget and protect myself from was my first love.

His name was Pierre, I met him on holiday with my parents in Spain. We had a magic month together in August when I was 15.

I don’t remember much of that month truth be told. All I remember is the heartbreak I felt when we went our separate way and the way he treated me after.

For a year and half after we parted, I wrote to him many times, 13 if my memory serves me right and not once did he answer my letters. My heart broke in millions of pieces.

I became obsessed with him. I even started to write a book of our story, my journey.

I found out a couple of years later when I managed to get his number, quite by chance, that the reason why he ignored me was he had decided we were too young to stay involved and we had to take our own paths in life without the interference of love (we lived the other side of each other in France) and so thought ignoring my letters was the best way for me to forget about us.

I have kept a folder I used to write my thoughts into when I was that age and recently decided to read it again. My heart broke when I read how 15/16 year old me struggled to make sense out of his abandonment at the time. I actually teared up and desperately wanted to hug the old me, a nice big tight hug and let me cry in my arms. This is when I realised it was this that broke me. Going through this immense pain and no-one to understand. Who really takes notice of a heartbroken 15 year old?

And so after this terrible experience, I started to protect my heart. I would never let anyone close enough to do this to me again. Except I did, many a time, because I was desperate to be loved. I looked for love in all the wrong places. I now realise it was because I didn’t love myself. If He, Pierre, could abandon me after such a powerful love we felt, I cannot have been lovable. So I wanted someone to prove to me I was by giving me love.

I now know you cannot love someone who doesn’t love themselves however, and so my search was futile.

My heart recently got broken into million of pieces again, when my husband and I separated and he chose to see my best friend instead.

This is going to be the last time my heart gets broken…because now, finally, I love who I am. I don’t need anyone to make me realise I am worth it. I know I am.

The next person I choose to give my heart to, will hold it til death do us part as I shan’t settle for less. And I am quite prepared to be alone for a long time til this day come that I meet my soulmate. I am using this time wisely. I am re-discovering who I am every day, working on rebuilding that person who Pierre broke. Bit by bit.

One day, I shall be ready to meet him again. One day, I will be whole again. This is my journey.

Signs from above

Recently, something quite strange has been happening to me, and it is part of this feeling of disconnection I mentioned in my previous post.

Here is an example of what is happening to me.

A couple of days ago, I fell on this little preview of Louise Hay’s film:

2 mns 20, this is me: at the age of 43 I suddenly realised that I had never loved myself. At all. And so my life had been a mess, desperately looking for love in the wrong places, using alcohol and dope to escape my reality. 

In the 24 hours leading to my psychosis, I decided to prove God he had been wrong to give up on us, I suddenly found an enormous amount of love for myself. I felt pride in who I was, not scared of standing up to anyone who I felt was wrong, including him, and explain why. This filled me with an enormous amount of love for myself. True love.

I don’t “need” anyone to love me now because I do that job very well myself. I am confident about who I am and what I stand for. I will debate some of my ideas with others, of course, as I mentioned before this is the best way I learn, however there are some I will NOT budge on.

  • I will not tolerate physical violence of any kinds to any living being, whatever your motive.
  • I will not tolerate abuse of any kind to any living being, whatever your motive.
  • I will not tolerate cruelty of any kind to any living being, whatever your motive.
  • I will promote honesty, always.
  • I will do my utmost to do what I can to help clear up litter from this earth, starting by my town
  • I will learn always, to better myself. I will learn when to speak, when to listen and when to shut up – not easy tasks for me, believe you me.
  • I will always be against religion because I believe it to be the cause of far too much trouble in this world, worst still it is the cause of many many deaths.

From this day on I am happy to stand for what I believe, even if I am alone. Because I trust my judgement. If I make a stand for something, it will be something I have thought about long and hard.

Today, I was walking to pick up my car from its service and I was thinking about this awakening – It seems my faith is at its strongest when I wake up, I am one of those rare people who are full of energy on waking up and this is where my connection is at its strongest – and, as it was afternoon, some doubts started to creep in, negative thoughts started to enter my head. “Is this all for real?”, “am I on the right track?” “who do I think I am anyway to think I have the slightest chance of making a difference?”

As I started to walk a bit faster due to starting to feel anxious, my eyes feel on something I was just about to walk on, a card on the floor, which I picked up and read:Image

Thinking back to the original introduction to Louise Hay’s thinking, the film showed a girl filled with negative thoughts and suddenly she falls on a card that a positive person walking past dropped whilst picking up her phone and carried on walking.

I shivered when I found the card.

He knows what it is I deeply want, just a little reminder:

In the meantime, I am going to carry on working on me and my life, working on being the best I can possibly be, nothing else will do now I have had my eyes opened. I am feeling pretty good about myself these days 🙂


Since being “connected“, I seem to have a new problem: feeling disconnected to some people, mainly the people who knew the old me.

I wish I could just start afresh somewhere new. My outlook on life has changed so much that I don’t know how I will fare in my old world.

This morning, I went to have my appointment with my care co-ordinator, only to find that she was unwell and unable to make it.

I decided to have a coffee in a place I’ve never been, right opposite the medical centre and to have a bacon sandwich. I went outside to eat it so I could smoke and an older man came to sit at the same table, the only one outside.

I had one of those strange encounters with him, the ones you know happen for a reason.

We had a bit of a chat and he went on his way, after leaving me bits of wisdom for me to ponder, in particular he said I seemed to worry too much. He told me that after we had chatted 5 minutes and only about this and that.

On the way back home by foot, feeling quite light and listening to my mp3 (Faithless was playing) as I had left my car at the garage for its service, I met the neighbour at whose house I experienced my psychosis 3 weeks ago.

We hadn’t seen each other since that time and it took a lot of strength for me to say hi and speak to her.

I was scared of her reaction to me. She witnessed something literally out of this world and I know she had been traumatised by it. I know because my primary nurse spoke to her at one point when I was in hospital and my neighbour refused to give her the information she was asking because she told her she didn’t know whether she could trust her and that it wasn’t me on the phone. Being french, I have a very distinctive accent, also, the information she was after wasn’t that big a deal (who was organising to have my cats looked after).

Despite my fears, I decided it was time to face her so I crossed the road to meet her and said hi and had a chat. As we were talking I could see her eyes tearing up, she is a very sensitive girl too and I could sense the pain of what she saw was coming back to her.

I told her I would be going back to work on Friday after an assessment, she asked me if I felt ready and I answered I hoped so, as I needed the money. She said “don’t rush it”.

This is my problem, I want a normal life again, despite everything having changed. 

I am a little worried about not belonging in this world any more, knowing what I know. It’s a bit scary, I guess this is where Faith comes into it – I need to trust everything will be ok for me, and not necessarily as I plan it.

The Book that is changing my life

Similar to my previous post as to which piece of advice from my father has changed my life, I was always stuck with the question, “which book has changed your life?”.

I now realise I hadn’t found it yet.

A few weeks ago, as I was having dinner at a Church, a weekly ritual girl friends and I had started for no other reason that for the yummy home-made food they served very cheaply every Friday night, there was a display of “stuff” on a table. I went to have a look and a book caught my eye for its cover and its title.

It was a very simple cover, with grey fish going one direction and a bright Orange fish going the other direction and the title was: “Think differently, Live differently”. 

The reduced price was really appealing to me too. 

I picked it up, flicked through it to see whether it was full of bible bashing stuff, noted it wasn’t and put it down again to browse more items, stones had caught my eyes and I picked up one which said “Smile”.

I picked up the book again and decided, “what the heck, I’ll buy it!”.

As soon as I started reading it, I knew I had made the right decision.

Now, I have a problem reading books, usually my brain doesn’t switch off long enough to concentrate on words for a long period of time, hence why there is no way I could ever read the bible or why I prefer posters with simple sentences to learn. So I have since picked up and dropped this book many a time.

But every time I pick it up, I have awakening moments. This morning, the book finally revealed to me everything I have ever felt about the bible and more recently God.

This book is an affirmation that everything I believe is true. I am not learning it from any books, people, or anything else, I have learned it through my thinking. That’s the magic of this book to me, confirming I am right in my beliefs.

If you are struggling with your Faith, I would highly recommend this book.

I have also noticed that it comes in different covers on ebay, amazon etc, I would suggest picking the one which cover works best for you. Funny that, there is a saying that says “don’t judge a book by its cover”, well in this instance, I highly recommend you do.

And if you don’t find one that fits, don’t buy it, you won’t be ready for it.


My Take on Organised Religions, jeebus and everything

I was having a tough morning today, a lot of thinking about my husband and how I miss him, some thinking about the last chap I went out with too and how I miss him – is it possible to love more than one person? I believe so.

As I was looking through old pictures of my dog, and my previous life with my husband, resigned to the fact that today was going to be a sad day, there was a knock at my door.

As I opened the door, I beamed. It was Richard, a Jehovah’s Witness I knew very well for him and his wife came to visit me Saturdays after Saturdays when I was going through depression.

Now, I’m very well aware of the bad publicity these guys get, but they were there for me when I needed human contact, and for this I will be for ever grateful.

In fact, it was two ladies Witnesses who started me thinking about a higher power back in 1993. Again, they knocked on my door, I was bored and feeling low, so I let them in and had a thoroughly enjoyable discussion with them.

Those people are more than happy to discuss your ideas, and without a shadow of aggression – try them one day, if you are lucky to get that knock, you might be pleasantly surprised.

Richard didn’t want to come in but just wanted to see how I was doing. Lucky for him, and me, I am not working at the moment so I was in.

We had a great chat…I believe when he left, he had a lot to think about.

Discussing how I feel with other people is how I fix my ideas. I like a debate, I like to hear different views, because I don’t pretend to know all the answers and I like to hear what others have experienced that got them to their current thinking.

I mentioned in an earlier post I had a problem with the Jeebus story. And also with God for what I see as him abandoning his people too easily.

My thinking became much clearer after speaking to Richard, especially when I saw him stumped and not able to “argue” with what I was saying.

Why I hate organised religions

Every organised religion is based on one major principle: Blind Faith. Here is the word of God and it must be obeyed. Because look at what happened to Adam and Eve when they didn’t.

I cannot have blind faith. To me, this is what is responsible for so much of the bad stuff in the world.

Instead of thinking for themselves, people have blind faith that if they follow a set of rules, they’ll be fine. Sometimes it does good, eg, if we really must, Mother Theresa, sometimes it does bad, eg, suicide bombers, and on a non-religious level Hitler.

I have a brain and I have a heart, I have a rough idea of what is good and what is bad and I am happy to learn what I don’t know as I go along – my motto is simple : Be good, Do good, Feel good.

Learning how to be good is a process, granted, but it’s feasible, even for someone as impatient as me.

Why I am upset with God for the Adam and Eve Story

Richard explained to me that the mistake Adam and Eve did was not to listen to God. I said God was obviously too demanding of them, and actually made a big mistake banishing them from Eden.

That actually created this blind faith we see these days: People are scared of the wrath of God and therefore blindly believe whatever they feel they should to ensure eternal life (in heaven).

I gave him a simple example of why I think it’s bad.

I gave him the example of a child being given a really cool toy to play with and a little one to leave alone, by his father.

He is told not to touch the little one and not to question why, and he isn’t even told of the consequences of touching that little one. However, he can play with the big one as much as he wants.

You’ve been a child, what do you reckon that child will do?

Yes he will play with the big one for a while and eventually his eyes will go to the little one and want to play with it. He won’t even ask himself too many questions as he is a child, but also he hasn’t been told why he shouldn’t play with it.

So he grabs it, think “bah, wasn’t that big a deal” and he puts it in his pocket. His father sees that and becomes furious and take the big toy away from him and tells him to go to his room with no dinner tonight.

That poor child will sit there on his bed, looking at the little toy and probably cry his eyes out.

He will never forget what has happened but he will never understand why it happened. And he will try to find a way for that little toy to replace the big toy, in vain, because that big one was so much better.

That child will probably be marked for life, and most possible resent his father too.

Adam and Eve were children, as they were as pure as it comes – and there is nothing purer than children.

How could God expect to Adam and Eve not to want to “eat from the tree of knowledge”? How cruel of him to put temptation there for them? Who does he think he is to require blind faith? People need to be able to make decisions for themselves, otherwise they get clouded even more by the influence of others who think they know what is good and bad.

That’s why I told Richard that although I really respected him for the work he is doing, I will not go to his Church because I need to find my own connection directly myself.

The Jeebus thing

Ok there was a guy called Jesus and he was a very special guy. God’s only son apparently. He felt really special and that he had been chosen to “spread the word”.

Well, in my books, we are all children on God for starters. We are all very special for seconds, and we all “spread the word” (the love/goodness) however we can. Through music, books, films, painting, blogs, interactions etc.

We don’t all go around thinking we are Jeebus though. I think the guy discovered faith and its power (the law of attraction principle) and it let it go to his head a bit and decided he should try and save the people, as many as he could, a bit like Jehovah’s witnesses do. It started from a good intention but had a terrible ending.

I also said to Richard that I had a problem with Jesus’s ending if that was the wish of God, that would mean that God has an evil side.

NO-ONE who is truly good would ever inflict this on a person. EVER.

I reckon people inflicted this on Jesus because all of the non-sense he seemed to be talking, like they use to burn witches.

Yes he might have been resurrected as maybe God felt really bad about what happened to him. Jesus had faith, I do not doubt that.

Richard then said the usual “but Jesus died for all our sins”. I told him there is only one person I ever want to die for my sins and that is ME. I am responsible for my own mistakes, no other human being is. That had him a bit puzzled.

The thing is, and I explained that to him, I don’t have a clue what will happen to my soul when I die. But I know for sure I want my small stay on this earth to have a positive contribution. So I don’t “sin” because of my motto : Be Good, Do Good, Feel Good. When I have “sinned” I have felt like crap, it’s a pretty easy way to recognise if you are on the right path or not really.

Moreover, that is a very dangerous idea to put in people’s head, it means they don’t really have to take responsibility for their actions because someone else has already paid for their mistakes.

He then said I should focus on the future. I said I am quite happy to focus on the moment at present. Who knows what the future will bring, I could be dead tomorrow.

I have also realised the Devil doesn’t exist (he said it was a fallen angel or something). I told him we all had the power to know the difference between good and bad, because in this day in age, we can be informed enough to know. And we all have a heart, emotions, which easily tell us if what we are doing is the right thing – again, the motto comes to mind:

Be good, Do good, Feel good

Personally, if I want to “worship” something, it is the Moon and the Sun as without them, we wouldn’t be here. Long may they last.


My Take on Mental Health

I mentioned in an earlier post that I recently had a Psychosis and that my stay in a mental health ward was a real eye opener.

When I lived in Canada, I suffered a couple of Psychosis too and stayed in one of the top hospitals there, The Centennial Centre, and another smaller ward too south of Alberta.

After my stays in Canada, I had a lot of thoughts about mental health but I didn’t want to talk about it until I was sure of my thinking, this latest stay has confirmed a lot for me: most professionals have no clue how to deal with mental health issues.

All they seem to do is give you medications to control whatever mental health issue you have experienced, wait til the meds work (this can take weeks, and months even) and send you on your way. To see you again next time you loose the plot, and so the cycle starts again, different meds, different dosage and off you go.

Am I really the only person who sees the problem here?

Every single patient I have come to know has one big issue: inability to deal with something they have experienced in their past.

Usually it’s abuse related, but it could be anything their brain and heart haven’t been able to come to terms with. There lies the disconnection, you can rationalise your thinking as much as you want, if your heart doesn’t follow suit, it ain’t going to happen, And so they go through life feeling more and more tortured, mostly trying to repress this ache they feel, self medicating with alcohol and/or drugs until eventually, the brain can’t take it no more and something snaps.

This, to me, is what mental illness is about.

I have so far only heard of a handful of people who genuinely can’t find any reasons why they are depressed, I guess that’s called clinical depression.

So my rocket science answer? Talk, get it out, process what has happened that makes you feel so messed up, find a way to deal with it. STOP TRYING TO REPRESS IT, it won’t work. It cannot work. You need to get rid of the shame, guilt, fear and anger that tie you down. Trust me. Meds are good to calm you down a bit, enough so you can start processing safely but they are not the answer.

During my stays, the only good counselling I had was talking to other patients about their experiences that got them there. Slowly but surely I started to realise that is the best councelling in the world, talking with people who have experienced similar situations, found how they coped, or didn’t as the case maybe. Realising you are not alone is the first positive feeling coming from this, and then giving each other a different perspective on the problem another. A problem shared is a problem halved, the more you share the smaller it becomes.

I get so angry with the medical profession because they just don’t seem to understand the basic.

When I left the hospital last Friday, I had a chat with my primary care nurse, a great woman who gave me all the support I asked for. I told her I found it amazing that in my two weeks there not one professional talked to me about my psychosis itself. She said it was because they didn’t really understand it. I got very confused what they were doing working in a Mental Health ward without knowing exactly everything there was to know about mental illness.

And then I thought back to my stay in Ponoka, same thing. No-one there talked to me about Psychosis, even worse there, after an hour of chatting with me the day after I was admitted, the Psychiatrist doctor decided I had Bipolar. AN HOUR would you believe?? And straight after I had been admitted and pumped up with medication. How many diplomas do you need to fuck it up do you reckon?

Misdiagnosis is king in Mental Health. People finally relieved there is really “something wrong” with them go home “happily” thinking “well there you go, now I know what’s wrong with me, I shall just take those meds and everything should be alright”. No they won’t, they will never be alright until you process what has got you there in the first place.

My first Psychosis happened shortly after I stopped self medicating with dope and alcohol. Once my brain became alive again, I got floaded by thoughts and emotions I had repressed for over 20 years.

I’ll tell you what was wrong with me. I had a negative experience sexually when I was young and I let the shame, guilt, anger build inside of me, as it was, had to be, a secret.

For many years this repression affected my relationships. I could never ever find happiness with anyone and I thought it was because of this. Sometimes I would tell my partners and it kinda gave me Carte Blanche to not get intimate with them. I would only get intimate after drinking, when my barriers fell down and I could relax enough to have sex. And eventually that died down because sex, as fun as it may be, doesn’t give you the emotional connection needed to make love. And so relationships messed up eventually.

During my first psychosis, I actually opened up about that negative experience. Directly to the person concerned. And do you know what? He felt as shit as I did about it. And I was then able to forget about it and put it down to experience. Sometimes you make mistakes in life and you need to learn from them. No Regrets now. Such a liberating feeling.

The “Psychosis”, which looking back, lasted a few weeks, enabled me to open up without a care in the world to all sorts of people about stuff that had been bothering me most of my adult life.

My mother’s adoration for her (dead) brother, who I knew had abused his daughters, she got to hear how I felt about this man. Since then, not one word about him. Phew!

My dad “abandoning” us when my mum and dad split up. Him and I are so close now.

I still have two major issues I need to deal with, one concerns my mum and the other, God. God incidently was the subject of my last psychosis.

I got angry with him.  How dare he give up on us so easily. How dare he punish Adam and Eve so dramatically that we are now left with such a shit world that nature and animals are starting to suffer, how dare he let people abuse people, even more so defenseless beings and nature?

I have found my connection to God and I won’t bother trying to explain it to anyone. If anyone is curious, I will just say, “Can you explain love? but you know it exists right? well the connection to God is just like that, you can’t explain it, yet you know it exists”. I have also decided that there is no point looking for God, just as there isn’t looking for love, he’ll find you. or not as the case may be. Funnily enough, you have heard it say many a time that God is love.

I also get angry about this Jeebus story, but that’ll be a post for another time.

Oh and I like to call him God because it reads Dog in reverse, and I love Dogs, without a shadow of a doubt, yet I can’t explain why.

This was what my Psychosis was about: on the morning I woke up, I was angry at God and I wanted to prove to him that he made a mistake, people are worth caring about, people are worth saving. Apart from abusers. They can go to hell. I don’t care what excuses they have to be taking out their frustrations on other beings in such ways. We all know the difference between right and wrong. Whatever your beliefs are.