The Book that is changing my life

Similar to my previous post as to which piece of advice from my father has changed my life, I was always stuck with the question, “which book has changed your life?”.

I now realise I hadn’t found it yet.

A few weeks ago, as I was having dinner at a Church, a weekly ritual girl friends and I had started for no other reason that for the yummy home-made food they served very cheaply every Friday night, there was a display of “stuff” on a table. I went to have a look and a book caught my eye for its cover and its title.

It was a very simple cover, with grey fish going one direction and a bright Orange fish going the other direction and the title was: “Think differently, Live differently”. 

The reduced price was really appealing to me too. 

I picked it up, flicked through it to see whether it was full of bible bashing stuff, noted it wasn’t and put it down again to browse more items, stones had caught my eyes and I picked up one which said “Smile”.

I picked up the book again and decided, “what the heck, I’ll buy it!”.

As soon as I started reading it, I knew I had made the right decision.

Now, I have a problem reading books, usually my brain doesn’t switch off long enough to concentrate on words for a long period of time, hence why there is no way I could ever read the bible or why I prefer posters with simple sentences to learn. So I have since picked up and dropped this book many a time.

But every time I pick it up, I have awakening moments. This morning, the book finally revealed to me everything I have ever felt about the bible and more recently God.

This book is an affirmation that everything I believe is true. I am not learning it from any books, people, or anything else, I have learned it through my thinking. That’s the magic of this book to me, confirming I am right in my beliefs.

If you are struggling with your Faith, I would highly recommend this book.

I have also noticed that it comes in different covers on ebay, amazon etc, I would suggest picking the one which cover works best for you. Funny that, there is a saying that says “don’t judge a book by its cover”, well in this instance, I highly recommend you do.

And if you don’t find one that fits, don’t buy it, you won’t be ready for it.


My Take on Organised Religions, jeebus and everything

I was having a tough morning today, a lot of thinking about my husband and how I miss him, some thinking about the last chap I went out with too and how I miss him – is it possible to love more than one person? I believe so.

As I was looking through old pictures of my dog, and my previous life with my husband, resigned to the fact that today was going to be a sad day, there was a knock at my door.

As I opened the door, I beamed. It was Richard, a Jehovah’s Witness I knew very well for him and his wife came to visit me Saturdays after Saturdays when I was going through depression.

Now, I’m very well aware of the bad publicity these guys get, but they were there for me when I needed human contact, and for this I will be for ever grateful.

In fact, it was two ladies Witnesses who started me thinking about a higher power back in 1993. Again, they knocked on my door, I was bored and feeling low, so I let them in and had a thoroughly enjoyable discussion with them.

Those people are more than happy to discuss your ideas, and without a shadow of aggression – try them one day, if you are lucky to get that knock, you might be pleasantly surprised.

Richard didn’t want to come in but just wanted to see how I was doing. Lucky for him, and me, I am not working at the moment so I was in.

We had a great chat…I believe when he left, he had a lot to think about.

Discussing how I feel with other people is how I fix my ideas. I like a debate, I like to hear different views, because I don’t pretend to know all the answers and I like to hear what others have experienced that got them to their current thinking.

I mentioned in an earlier post I had a problem with the Jeebus story. And also with God for what I see as him abandoning his people too easily.

My thinking became much clearer after speaking to Richard, especially when I saw him stumped and not able to “argue” with what I was saying.

Why I hate organised religions

Every organised religion is based on one major principle: Blind Faith. Here is the word of God and it must be obeyed. Because look at what happened to Adam and Eve when they didn’t.

I cannot have blind faith. To me, this is what is responsible for so much of the bad stuff in the world.

Instead of thinking for themselves, people have blind faith that if they follow a set of rules, they’ll be fine. Sometimes it does good, eg, if we really must, Mother Theresa, sometimes it does bad, eg, suicide bombers, and on a non-religious level Hitler.

I have a brain and I have a heart, I have a rough idea of what is good and what is bad and I am happy to learn what I don’t know as I go along – my motto is simple : Be good, Do good, Feel good.

Learning how to be good is a process, granted, but it’s feasible, even for someone as impatient as me.

Why I am upset with God for the Adam and Eve Story

Richard explained to me that the mistake Adam and Eve did was not to listen to God. I said God was obviously too demanding of them, and actually made a big mistake banishing them from Eden.

That actually created this blind faith we see these days: People are scared of the wrath of God and therefore blindly believe whatever they feel they should to ensure eternal life (in heaven).

I gave him a simple example of why I think it’s bad.

I gave him the example of a child being given a really cool toy to play with and a little one to leave alone, by his father.

He is told not to touch the little one and not to question why, and he isn’t even told of the consequences of touching that little one. However, he can play with the big one as much as he wants.

You’ve been a child, what do you reckon that child will do?

Yes he will play with the big one for a while and eventually his eyes will go to the little one and want to play with it. He won’t even ask himself too many questions as he is a child, but also he hasn’t been told why he shouldn’t play with it.

So he grabs it, think “bah, wasn’t that big a deal” and he puts it in his pocket. His father sees that and becomes furious and take the big toy away from him and tells him to go to his room with no dinner tonight.

That poor child will sit there on his bed, looking at the little toy and probably cry his eyes out.

He will never forget what has happened but he will never understand why it happened. And he will try to find a way for that little toy to replace the big toy, in vain, because that big one was so much better.

That child will probably be marked for life, and most possible resent his father too.

Adam and Eve were children, as they were as pure as it comes – and there is nothing purer than children.

How could God expect to Adam and Eve not to want to “eat from the tree of knowledge”? How cruel of him to put temptation there for them? Who does he think he is to require blind faith? People need to be able to make decisions for themselves, otherwise they get clouded even more by the influence of others who think they know what is good and bad.

That’s why I told Richard that although I really respected him for the work he is doing, I will not go to his Church because I need to find my own connection directly myself.

The Jeebus thing

Ok there was a guy called Jesus and he was a very special guy. God’s only son apparently. He felt really special and that he had been chosen to “spread the word”.

Well, in my books, we are all children on God for starters. We are all very special for seconds, and we all “spread the word” (the love/goodness) however we can. Through music, books, films, painting, blogs, interactions etc.

We don’t all go around thinking we are Jeebus though. I think the guy discovered faith and its power (the law of attraction principle) and it let it go to his head a bit and decided he should try and save the people, as many as he could, a bit like Jehovah’s witnesses do. It started from a good intention but had a terrible ending.

I also said to Richard that I had a problem with Jesus’s ending if that was the wish of God, that would mean that God has an evil side.

NO-ONE who is truly good would ever inflict this on a person. EVER.

I reckon people inflicted this on Jesus because all of the non-sense he seemed to be talking, like they use to burn witches.

Yes he might have been resurrected as maybe God felt really bad about what happened to him. Jesus had faith, I do not doubt that.

Richard then said the usual “but Jesus died for all our sins”. I told him there is only one person I ever want to die for my sins and that is ME. I am responsible for my own mistakes, no other human being is. That had him a bit puzzled.

The thing is, and I explained that to him, I don’t have a clue what will happen to my soul when I die. But I know for sure I want my small stay on this earth to have a positive contribution. So I don’t “sin” because of my motto : Be Good, Do Good, Feel Good. When I have “sinned” I have felt like crap, it’s a pretty easy way to recognise if you are on the right path or not really.

Moreover, that is a very dangerous idea to put in people’s head, it means they don’t really have to take responsibility for their actions because someone else has already paid for their mistakes.

He then said I should focus on the future. I said I am quite happy to focus on the moment at present. Who knows what the future will bring, I could be dead tomorrow.

I have also realised the Devil doesn’t exist (he said it was a fallen angel or something). I told him we all had the power to know the difference between good and bad, because in this day in age, we can be informed enough to know. And we all have a heart, emotions, which easily tell us if what we are doing is the right thing – again, the motto comes to mind:

Be good, Do good, Feel good

Personally, if I want to “worship” something, it is the Moon and the Sun as without them, we wouldn’t be here. Long may they last.


My Take on Mental Health

I mentioned in an earlier post that I recently had a Psychosis and that my stay in a mental health ward was a real eye opener.

When I lived in Canada, I suffered a couple of Psychosis too and stayed in one of the top hospitals there, The Centennial Centre, and another smaller ward too south of Alberta.

After my stays in Canada, I had a lot of thoughts about mental health but I didn’t want to talk about it until I was sure of my thinking, this latest stay has confirmed a lot for me: most professionals have no clue how to deal with mental health issues.

All they seem to do is give you medications to control whatever mental health issue you have experienced, wait til the meds work (this can take weeks, and months even) and send you on your way. To see you again next time you loose the plot, and so the cycle starts again, different meds, different dosage and off you go.

Am I really the only person who sees the problem here?

Every single patient I have come to know has one big issue: inability to deal with something they have experienced in their past.

Usually it’s abuse related, but it could be anything their brain and heart haven’t been able to come to terms with. There lies the disconnection, you can rationalise your thinking as much as you want, if your heart doesn’t follow suit, it ain’t going to happen, And so they go through life feeling more and more tortured, mostly trying to repress this ache they feel, self medicating with alcohol and/or drugs until eventually, the brain can’t take it no more and something snaps.

This, to me, is what mental illness is about.

I have so far only heard of a handful of people who genuinely can’t find any reasons why they are depressed, I guess that’s called clinical depression.

So my rocket science answer? Talk, get it out, process what has happened that makes you feel so messed up, find a way to deal with it. STOP TRYING TO REPRESS IT, it won’t work. It cannot work. You need to get rid of the shame, guilt, fear and anger that tie you down. Trust me. Meds are good to calm you down a bit, enough so you can start processing safely but they are not the answer.

During my stays, the only good counselling I had was talking to other patients about their experiences that got them there. Slowly but surely I started to realise that is the best councelling in the world, talking with people who have experienced similar situations, found how they coped, or didn’t as the case maybe. Realising you are not alone is the first positive feeling coming from this, and then giving each other a different perspective on the problem another. A problem shared is a problem halved, the more you share the smaller it becomes.

I get so angry with the medical profession because they just don’t seem to understand the basic.

When I left the hospital last Friday, I had a chat with my primary care nurse, a great woman who gave me all the support I asked for. I told her I found it amazing that in my two weeks there not one professional talked to me about my psychosis itself. She said it was because they didn’t really understand it. I got very confused what they were doing working in a Mental Health ward without knowing exactly everything there was to know about mental illness.

And then I thought back to my stay in Ponoka, same thing. No-one there talked to me about Psychosis, even worse there, after an hour of chatting with me the day after I was admitted, the Psychiatrist doctor decided I had Bipolar. AN HOUR would you believe?? And straight after I had been admitted and pumped up with medication. How many diplomas do you need to fuck it up do you reckon?

Misdiagnosis is king in Mental Health. People finally relieved there is really “something wrong” with them go home “happily” thinking “well there you go, now I know what’s wrong with me, I shall just take those meds and everything should be alright”. No they won’t, they will never be alright until you process what has got you there in the first place.

My first Psychosis happened shortly after I stopped self medicating with dope and alcohol. Once my brain became alive again, I got floaded by thoughts and emotions I had repressed for over 20 years.

I’ll tell you what was wrong with me. I had a negative experience sexually when I was young and I let the shame, guilt, anger build inside of me, as it was, had to be, a secret.

For many years this repression affected my relationships. I could never ever find happiness with anyone and I thought it was because of this. Sometimes I would tell my partners and it kinda gave me Carte Blanche to not get intimate with them. I would only get intimate after drinking, when my barriers fell down and I could relax enough to have sex. And eventually that died down because sex, as fun as it may be, doesn’t give you the emotional connection needed to make love. And so relationships messed up eventually.

During my first psychosis, I actually opened up about that negative experience. Directly to the person concerned. And do you know what? He felt as shit as I did about it. And I was then able to forget about it and put it down to experience. Sometimes you make mistakes in life and you need to learn from them. No Regrets now. Such a liberating feeling.

The “Psychosis”, which looking back, lasted a few weeks, enabled me to open up without a care in the world to all sorts of people about stuff that had been bothering me most of my adult life.

My mother’s adoration for her (dead) brother, who I knew had abused his daughters, she got to hear how I felt about this man. Since then, not one word about him. Phew!

My dad “abandoning” us when my mum and dad split up. Him and I are so close now.

I still have two major issues I need to deal with, one concerns my mum and the other, God. God incidently was the subject of my last psychosis.

I got angry with him.  How dare he give up on us so easily. How dare he punish Adam and Eve so dramatically that we are now left with such a shit world that nature and animals are starting to suffer, how dare he let people abuse people, even more so defenseless beings and nature?

I have found my connection to God and I won’t bother trying to explain it to anyone. If anyone is curious, I will just say, “Can you explain love? but you know it exists right? well the connection to God is just like that, you can’t explain it, yet you know it exists”. I have also decided that there is no point looking for God, just as there isn’t looking for love, he’ll find you. or not as the case may be. Funnily enough, you have heard it say many a time that God is love.

I also get angry about this Jeebus story, but that’ll be a post for another time.

Oh and I like to call him God because it reads Dog in reverse, and I love Dogs, without a shadow of a doubt, yet I can’t explain why.

This was what my Psychosis was about: on the morning I woke up, I was angry at God and I wanted to prove to him that he made a mistake, people are worth caring about, people are worth saving. Apart from abusers. They can go to hell. I don’t care what excuses they have to be taking out their frustrations on other beings in such ways. We all know the difference between right and wrong. Whatever your beliefs are.