The Truth about Love…?

This realisation I had about Desire unsettled me somewhat these past few days. I now realise it is because it brought up a few questions about this thing called love and whether it actually exists.

See, this past month I got to experience desire. Rather, I got to feel desired. By three different individuals on three different levels. I would venture:

  • A soul connection with the Amsterdam homeless artist, with whom I spent many many hours unveiling the newly discovered inner me. And with whom I decided nothing physical would happen, because it would spoil the experience, and he somewhat relunctantly agreed.
  • An intellectual connection with a chap I came across on FB, who told me when we got chatting that he had been attracted to my mind for a while. And who with interestingly when he saw my pic, the intellectual connection seemed to go out of the window. And as he was married, I preferred to sever our connection the following day.
  • An intense online “physical” chemistry with someone I got chatting to on a swingers site which became an intense physical attraction when we met up. [This latter encounter also made me realise I couldn’t do sex without feelings.]

So you could say I have experienced strong desires from those individuals, yet none of those desires were founded on anything real. None of those people really knew me, not even the slightest, yet, they were attracted to me.

This is what has made me realise that desire is never based on anything real, but rather on an imagined, pure speculation outcome.

I also realised how intoxicating feeling desire can be. All because you are getting some attention.

Lastly, I realised that you only desire someone for the effect they have on you (the imagined effect as, remember, you don’t know that person in the slightest at the beginning). So you could say desire is purely Ego driven. And Ego driven emotions certainly have to be avoided.

All this got me thinking that desire isn’t real. Cannot be real.

Yet, “love” comes from desire. You always desire someone first then, move on to Love.

However, how can you love someone when the feeling comes from a false emotion (desire)?

And that question makes me think possibly love (the romantic one) doesn’t exist.

That’s kind of unsettling.



And Fear turns into Joy


Fear is an interesting emotion. Solely based on imagination of the unknown, fear evokes a flight or fight response in all of us, I may even venture that most of our actions in life are as a result of fear, and most would rather avoid the feeling altogether.

I choose another option: acknowledging it and seeking to understand it.

Last week, by chance of circumstances, having met a guy with whom I experienced a deep, intense and literally magnetic physical chemistry, I realised what my biggest fear was: Love, and I grabbed that fear as an opportunity to work on it.

First: acknowledge the fear.

As he is emotionally unavailable (in an open marriage) and thus I have no emotional attachment to him, I was able to speak to him freely to get to the bottom of this fear. So I explained to him how unsettled I was with the realisation that he would be someone I could easily fall in love with.

The perception he offered in response blew me away: “If being with me stirs up a desire to love within you, isn’t it a wonderful thing?”

I stopped and let that possibility sink in.

I then realised in the past two months I had been lucky to have had a strong connection with three individuals who, put together, would be my perfect partner:

  • The chap I met in Amsterdam on a deep Soul connection
  • The chap I came across on Facebook on a Mental/Intellect connection
  • The chap I came across on a swinging site on a Body (Chemistry) connection.

Mind, Body, and Soul. Each in different individuals. The complete connection.


How lucky am I to have had the chance to have a taste of each level of connections recently?

How exciting to think I may one day come across someone who touches me on all three levels?

How could I fear love now I know what it is I want and have had proof it exists, there actually are individuals out there that can offer exactly what I seek?

Why did I fear love? What was there to fear? What was the worst that could happen?

As I thought about the last set of questions, I just couldn’t come up with anything that made sense.

Risk of being single? I am there already and very happy in my little world.

Risk of being loved? What a wonderful feeling this must be.

Risk of loving? Loving is the most wonderful emotion one can experience.

I just couldn’t figure out what risks there were letting love into my life.

I then realised, something I learned from the Amsterdam chap, I was scared of love because I hadn’t trusted myself. I hadn’t trusted myself to make the right decisions.

In the past I had chosen many partners based on fear – fear of being alone, fear of not being loved or lovable – and had made many mistakes. I had actually brought on all the heartache to myself as inevitably those relationships crumbled.

I just hadn’t known what I wanted.

Now I do:

I want the whole package: Mind, Body and Soul connection. Nothing else will do. Now I have had a taste of what each connection feels like – absolute bliss – I cannot imagine what it would feel like to have all three into one – really I cannot.

I am, however, very excited to realise that one day…it could happen!

Excitement about the future sure is a much better emotion than fear.

In the meantime that this person may materialise in my life, I shall fully enjoy the Body connection I am lucky to be experiencing intensely currently, a great opportunity to learn all I need to about my body.


One day, I will be ready for that man to walk into my life.

“Named must your fear be before banish it you can.” Yoda

My Biggest Fear


I have had two encounters recently that have made me face a truth about me – especially the last encounter.

Back in December when I went to Amsterdam, I experienced an amazing peak experience which lasted the whole time I was there.

The very first day I got there, I met with a guy at my local coffee shop my connection with blew me away.

No barriers, no pretence, it was pure being our true self. And we connected to some very deep levels, more than I had ever experienced before.

Nothing happened because I decided it was futile – and he agreed, somewhat relunctantly – but he understood completely what I meant – what we had was so magical there was no need to add physical contact – it was genuinely as if our souls had met and were playing together.

He was also at a stage of finding himself – having taken the decision a month earlier to live on the streets, to find his “creative side” again. And so I felt a romance wasn’t something he would have needed at that time. It certainly wasn’t something I wanted.

The only kissing we did was with our minds.

I left Amsterdam full of amazing memories, us talking deep into the night and discovering more and more about ourselves and each other and how we were so in tune – priceless.

I also left unsure whether I would ever see him again – and I was fine with that.

This chap however challenged me on my feelings towards love – he clearly saw I was scared of it – although he never mentioned it – he mentioned however I had trust issues.

And that bugged me – because I didn’t believe I had trust issues. In fact, I believed I trusted anyone until they inevitably in often cases, did something to utterly destroy my trust.

This morning, I woke up realising he was right – it’s not people I don’t trust however, it’s love.

My second encounter made me realise that.

A week or so ago, I decided maybe it was time to explore my sexuality again, after having discovered how amazing sex/making love could be with the American guy a couple of years ago. However I didn’t want to run the risk of getting embroiled with anyone emotionally so I joined a swingers site, which I had previously used a couple of years ago for fun.

All I had in mind was to explore my sexuality fully with someone. Along side working on my inner self, I felt I needed not to forget that part of me, which turns out to be the most important to me: sex.

Within days of joining that site, I start chatting with this guy and it is clear something is very different with him.

Like with the Amsterdam chap, I am entirely 100% myself with him and we click like a dream.

After a week on cloud 9 communicating with him, we arrange to meet. And this was yesterday.

Yesterday will go down as a peak experience day for me.

The morning was spent getting lost into each other. We couldn’t stop kissing and cuddling, both with amazing great smiles on our faces showing how happy we were and how surreal it all felt. Hours flew by and it was time to go.

Him back to his wife, me back to my life.

Yes, he is married. In an open relationship with his wife – which has worked very well that way for the past three years. She was fully aware he was meeting me, and even texted him to find out how things were going during our meet, which he very respectully responded to whilst apologising to me for the interruption.

When I first found out, I was a bit taken aback, thinking it was messy. But then I realised this was the perfect setup to prevent me from getting too involved with someone, as my aim remember was to explore myself on that aspect of my life (sex) and not to fall in love.

This morning I woke up a bit wary, I know I could easily fall in love with this man. He wants to keep seeing me, he is really looking for a long term set up rather than one offs, which was also what I was looking for, and so if we do this, I will no doubt feel closer and closer all the more and I am not sure how I can not fall in love with him if we continue this intensity.

I also woke up realising how much I was missing love in my life.

I have incredibly high expectations of what love is. I have felt it many many times towards guys, but I have never lived it – that deep intense connection that feels so good it changes your life to one of ecstasy. The type of love they sing about in the songs.

I had told that guy he wanted to be careful not to lift the hood with me, there was a lot of passion under there. He said he wanted to lift it – I think it is safe to say our encounter yesterday did just that.

And I am left this morning realising how scared I am of love. I long to give the whole of myself to someone else, I long to please someone all of the time. I long to desire deeply, be desired as deeply.

Of course this can never happen with that guy, I am perfectly aware of this and one of the reasons why I picked him, however this has made me realise how much I had longed for this kind of connection with someone and I am unsure what to do about this.

Do I close the hood firmly back down again or do I open up to receiving love?

A little while ago, whilst speaking with a friend about her biggest fear (hers turned out to be homelessness), I had thought that I couldn’t think what my biggest fear was. I know now: Love.

I hope I crack that one one day. I am not sure I am ready yet though.


Pondering on love

If I remember correctly, my first post on this blog was about love, what it was, or should be.

My lodger, who is leaving tomorrow, has his girlfriend over as I write. They’ve only been together a couple of days and earlier, as he and I were in the kitchen, we heard her say “Babe, I love you”, in a tone of voice that required a response. Which of course, he gave.

Aaaah young love, ain’t it sweet. They are only 20, bless them.

I remember the days of falling in and out of love so quickly and easily.

I wonder when I will fall in love again. It’s such a wonderful feeling. And I am hoping it’s a question of when and not if. I am “only” 43, surely I will meet someone again.

I know now is not the right time though, my life is in shambles and definitely not the best time to meet someone. He’d probably walk out within minutes of walking into my life.

I am an incurable romantic though, I still have faith one day love will find me again. I just hope this time, I will be ready 🙂

By newpaz Tagged

My take on masturbation

As I was playing again this morning, I decided I shan’t be doing that anymore. 

To get me in the mood, I usually think of situations that turn me on, and there were a few with AG that were sure to get me in the mood but as the memories are fading, so is the excitement.

It got me thinking about the whole thing and I have decided that masturbation is a completely selfish pleasure and in the end, it is just not enjoyable. If anything it is pretty sad that one has to recourse to it. 

I have always had a problem with masturbation, and this is why I never did it until I was 30. Even then, I only did it because the guy I was with had made me realise that there was something I needed to investigate. I had never had an orgasm before and felt close to it with him and so I thought I’d best check out what was going on – the very first orgasm I had was so intense that my jaw locked open. Which was pretty freaky too and a problem I suffer every since, going to the dentist is a nightmare because of the thought of it happening!

Two years ago, when I had my first awakening, I decided to bin all the vibrators I had – my husband, bless him in his quest to make me happy had bought me a wide variety of them – except he never used them on me. And so they were left mainly untouched. So off they went in the bin before I moved back to the UK – at that time in any case, I was so distraught about what happened that sexual pleasure was the last thing on my mind.

In the past year, I have been exposed to people’s behaviour towards masturbation through some of my encounters. Yes, I quite liked the feeling that men would think of me while masturbating, but I became more and more uncomfortable with this knowledge. It peaked when I started talking to that friend of mine who never sleeps. When we started chatting, we were flirting with each other, no doubt about it, and one day, he never replied for a couple of hours and I asked him where he had been, he said he had been masturbating, after speaking with me. I actually recoiled when he said that, and I told him I didn’t want to know about what he was doing, we had a bit of a heated debate, during which I found out he did that regularly, several times a day. My initial thoughts were how can he do this over me when he hasn’t even met me? And then I thought there was something badly wrong with him if he did that several times a day. Our connection suffered that day too because he wasn’t happy with me that he couldn’t tell me about it, as he felt we were able to tell each other everything and as this was such an important part of his life, we had a problem. I was fine with that, it sure wasn’t going to change my mind.

The other occasion I realised I wasn’t happy with the whole thing was when I was dating AG. I tried to explain to him how it made me feel when he told me he had masturbated. Basically, I felt cheated, I wanted to be the one pleasuring him. And I felt annoyed that he couldn’t wait to see me before pleasing himself. I think he understood eventually because he reduced it. Again though, I found out through our chats that it was something he did a lot of, especially when he was feeling annoyed or frustrated.

Well, I have decided this morning I don’t want to be pleasing myself anymore, I want someone else to. Like AG did, take me to places I have never been before, and frankly a bit of vibrating plastic is not going to do this to me.

Whilst speaking about American Guy, I have a confession to make. He has been in my thoughts a lot recently and I am trying really hard not to email him, and keep to my word that I shall “fuck off” as he asked me so nicely when we had our fall out about whether it was acceptable fpr me to send his son a Christmas present.

Man, this still caring for all the guys that have been in my life sucks at times. Still, I’d rather have my heart filled with affection and love than bitterness and resentment 🙂

Why I choose to stay single

I have finished my Love video for now and this morning, while having a little play after my bath, I got thinking about past loves.

It started with thinking about the American guy I dated not too long ago.

Our relationship was a car crash but he has given me something priceless: he brought my body alive. I now know what it feels like to connect fully with someone on a physical level. Our connection in the bedroom was from another level for me. Never in my life have I felt so good sexually, never have had so many orgasms, never have I wanted to please my partner so much. This had been missing from my life, always. Even with my husband. Especially with my husband. In fact he stated when we split that there was no chemistry there so there was no point. I agree with him. Sex, or at least a great sexual connection is the most important thing in a relationship. In my eyes. If you don’t have that, you might as well forget the rest. Sex is what connects two souls completely. It has to work.

After I came out of my depression and started to feel alive again, I have had a few encounters with men, some I will remember very fondly. However, none came close to the mark. And so I have decided to stay single until I meet the one. Nothing else will do for me.

I am still deep in my self discovery voyage and I don’t feel ready to be with him yet. This was the reason why I finished with the American guy. I badly needed space to fully explore every area of my being without distraction. 

When I am ready, this is what love will feel like to me:


My Life Project has started

I am so excited this morning, I have finally started My Life Project 🙂

Yesterday morning, I fell on a video from the chap at MindMovies and he shared sample videos of what his vision was on various areas of life, love, money, spirituality etc. I thought I’d start watching his and this morning, I felt inspired to start my own. I don’t want to be watching someone else’s vision of what the perfect life should be, I want to create my own 🙂

And so last night, I started to download lots of pics of things that make me happy, and this morning I downloaded a free video making software and started to play with it. 

My first video is entitled Love, and here is the first draft. It will change lots as I get ideas and inspired but this will give you an idea of what My Life Project is. Spot the typo too haha!


New beginnings

This is going to be my last entry about my husband.

Thoughts of him will always be in my mind, because of the love I have for him, but I have now fully processed what happened and there is no need to talk about it anymore.

For the past two years I have been struggling trying to make sense of what happened between us. I have played the victim, I have played the wounded wife, I have played all sorts of role trying to come to terms with losing the man I loved.

This morning, I have finally realised that it was all my fault. I have been going through events that led to our separation, and events that followed, and realise that everything was orchestrated by me. I gave up on him long before he gave up on me.

In fact, looking back, I can see I never believed I could be happy with him. There were things niggling me from the very start and, as I did in those days, I used alcohol and dope to mask over the problems I had.

My husband was and is a good man. I just wasn’t ready for him. And so it is time to let him go fully. Forgive and forget everything and start afresh. I am even fine that he is with my best friend now as, as he said himself when we split, I pushed him to her.

I hope I made a good choice and she makes him happy. He deserves to be.

I know I will find my own happiness romantically some day. My husband gave me a glimpse of what this could look like and more spefically what it felt like to love someone deeply and recently I met someone who made me realise what it was to “make love”. Some day, I will get the whole package.



By newpaz Tagged

My Cross

I believe most of us go through life with a cross to carry. Something that we have done that will affect us for ever and will never lift.

Mine is my dog Frodo.

I have realised today that I will never get over losing him, for the simple reason that I am responsible for his death.

Unless you have experienced that magic bond that exists between man and his dog, you will never understand the strength of it. I had such bond with Frodo, and more.

When my husband and I split up, his behaviour started to change. I would find him shaking at the bottom of the garden after my husband and I would have a heated conversation. That had happened a couple of times when we were in Canada and I now realise he was feeding off my vibes.

When I moved back to the UK, I couldn’t bear the thought of being without him and within a month of me being back, my husband agreed to send him over. This is my cross to carry. If I hadn’t been so desperate for him, he would still be alive today. Because when he arrived back, he fed off my vibes all the more and as I went through depression, his health deteriorated fast. First he started to loose his sight, then he became a scavenger, he would jump on any food he could get his paws on. Until he discovered the bin, and he would regularly knock it down and help himself.

After he got himself sick one day, I decided to keep the kitchen door shut when I was at work. One morning though I can’t have closed it properly, probably not concentrating fully.

When I got home that evening, Frodo had been sick a lot, and he was lying on the floor, barely able to move. I put him outside for his piddle, which he did and then laid down right on top of it. This is when I decided to phone the vets and get him seen to straight away.

The next few days were tough. They decided to keep him overnight at first, on a drip. When I called them the following day to find out his progress, they said he was better but wanted to keep him overnight just in case. I went to visit him that day and I knew he wasn’t better.

All the while I had this little voice in my head telling me to prepare myself, that Frodo wouldn’t be coming home. I knew that voice was right.

The following day I got a call from the vets telling me that Frodo wasn’t better and he was in a lot of pain as he didn’t seem to respond to the strong pain relief he was under. They said I should consider ending his pain…

I left work and drove to the vets, taking my neighbour with me – incidently the girl I had my “psychosis” at a couple of months ago. There I was faced by a very poorly Frodo, lying on his side, barely able to move….I am not even sure he knew I was there.

They told me it would cost around £1000 to try and find out what was wrong with him and they couldn’t assure me they could save him. I frantically called my husband to see what he wanted to do, should we, could we afford that money? He never answered the phone…

And so after cuddling him for a while as best I could without moving him, the vet put the liquid in his vains…

And I watched him drift off to permanent sleep….

I was on antidepressants at the time and the magnitude of what had happened didn’t really hit me until a few months after I came off the medication.

My psychosis in August started as I finally realised I had been responsible for his death, in more ways than one.

People can tell me as much as they want that it wasn’t my fault, that these things happen, even my husband told me he sent Frodo back because Frodo wouldn’t have lived a happy life without me. Yet, I know different. This is my cross. My decisions directly led to the loss of the being the most important to me in my entire life, my dog Frodo. Incidently, it was also Frodo who led me on my path to spirituality, some two years ago when I was lost after my husband and I separated, he became my guide.

I miss him so dearly. He will forever hold my heart, and remind me to be mindful….I have decided to keep his ashes so I can never forget…



The Man who Broke me

A few weeks ago, I had my first ever Reiki session. I had been looking for various ways to help me process, chill out, meditate, sort myself out in other words and I thought I’d try Reiki.

The experience was pretty unexpected, I will admit. The night that followed the session, I broke down in tears when I got to bed, even though I had been feeling fine up to then, and as I found myself in the fetal position, I soon realised I was starting to connect with my inner child.

The lady who carried out the Reiki told me after the session that something bad had happened to me a long time ago and I had spent all my life building a wall to protect myself from pain and to be able to function, and that my wall had started to crumble. She said I needed to take it easy as I was very vulnerable at the moment.

Straight away, I thought she was referring to my first sexual experience, which had been really bad. But soon after I realised that I had it wrong. The experience I had tried to forget and protect myself from was my first love.

His name was Pierre, I met him on holiday with my parents in Spain. We had a magic month together in August when I was 15.

I don’t remember much of that month truth be told. All I remember is the heartbreak I felt when we went our separate way and the way he treated me after.

For a year and half after we parted, I wrote to him many times, 13 if my memory serves me right and not once did he answer my letters. My heart broke in millions of pieces.

I became obsessed with him. I even started to write a book of our story, my journey.

I found out a couple of years later when I managed to get his number, quite by chance, that the reason why he ignored me was he had decided we were too young to stay involved and we had to take our own paths in life without the interference of love (we lived the other side of each other in France) and so thought ignoring my letters was the best way for me to forget about us.

I have kept a folder I used to write my thoughts into when I was that age and recently decided to read it again. My heart broke when I read how 15/16 year old me struggled to make sense out of his abandonment at the time. I actually teared up and desperately wanted to hug the old me, a nice big tight hug and let me cry in my arms. This is when I realised it was this that broke me. Going through this immense pain and no-one to understand. Who really takes notice of a heartbroken 15 year old?

And so after this terrible experience, I started to protect my heart. I would never let anyone close enough to do this to me again. Except I did, many a time, because I was desperate to be loved. I looked for love in all the wrong places. I now realise it was because I didn’t love myself. If He, Pierre, could abandon me after such a powerful love we felt, I cannot have been lovable. So I wanted someone to prove to me I was by giving me love.

I now know you cannot love someone who doesn’t love themselves however, and so my search was futile.

My heart recently got broken into million of pieces again, when my husband and I separated and he chose to see my best friend instead.

This is going to be the last time my heart gets broken…because now, finally, I love who I am. I don’t need anyone to make me realise I am worth it. I know I am.

The next person I choose to give my heart to, will hold it til death do us part as I shan’t settle for less. And I am quite prepared to be alone for a long time til this day come that I meet my soulmate. I am using this time wisely. I am re-discovering who I am every day, working on rebuilding that person who Pierre broke. Bit by bit.

One day, I shall be ready to meet him again. One day, I will be whole again. This is my journey.