Sliding Doors

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I had an interesting night last night. I went to bed early as I felt really tired, and woke up 3 hours later, to return back to sleep some 3 hours later.

During that 3 hours of awakeness, a lot happened to me, doors opened and I chose to close some.

I had mentioned in my Secret post at the very end that I realised I still loved my husband. Lately, he and I became friends again and I was able to recognise the man I had fallen in love with.

Last night, I decided to let him truly go. I posted this video on my Facebook page whilst talking with a friend about great love songs and I realised this was my song for him.

I had spoken to my mother about it earlier on in the day, saying I still loved him and she explained I will always love him but she felt me staying in touch wasn’t helping me move on. I agreed.

So last night I pointed him to the video on my FB wall and explained it was better we didn’t keep in touch anymore. He said if that’s what I needed to do, then fine. He also said he’d always be there if I needed him and he hoped I would be ok. My husband really is a good guy.

Truth be told, I will never get over him and my best friend together, so it’s best for me to leave it there.  I also realised last night that I still love every single guy I have had a relationship with, yet wish them all luck.

Some decisions may be hard to make, but sometimes, the end result is very unexpected!

To all the men I have ever loved:

Closure

I believe true closure is the only way to real happiness.
 
Many people’s attitude towards life, other people and in particular themselves, is as a result of past hurt they haven’t been able to get closure on. Would it be work related, or relationships (with family, friends or loved ones). 
 
These experiences can make people bitter, aggressive, defensive, disillusioned, scared, or just plain miserable.
 
It took me two years to get closure after my husband left me. The ending was pretty brutal and unexpected. He then proceeded to find comfort in my best friend’s arms and I lost my mind the two months that followed, literally. I then moved country where I lived alone with barely any support apart from my family who lived in a different country and soon suffered from depression.
 
About three months ago, on a hangover day, I took stock of my life and started to see where I had gone wrong for the last 20 years.
 
The problem wasn’t people, the problem was me. I had low self esteem issues, and I took it out on other people, using alcohol and dope to “help” me cope with life.
 
So I started to take steps to correct my errors. The first one being stopping drinking completely, I had already stopped smoking pot about a week after the split.
 
This turned my life around, and I am now well on the way to a more positive, truly happy life.
 
In the last few days, I have finally been able to move on from what happened with my husband, both in my head and in my heart.
 
Today, I feel I got full closure on my separation.
 
A week ago my husband and I had an exchange about some information he needed my approval on for the divorce paperwork. They were asking what steps we took towards reconciliation, he suggested we put “extensive discussions”, I told him we should put the truth: “none”.
 
He was worried it would delay or halt the divorce process. I wanted to explain to him why I had wanted to put none but decided to tell him to go ahead with his suggestion.
 
This is what I sent him today:
 
Subject: About the “steps taken towards reconciliation” wobbles
 
Or whatever it was they asked. I’m sorry I had a wobble. Guess I still had issues about feeling cheated that you never gave us that chance, by making your mind up well before actually taking action and then jumping into xxx’s arms. I had actually drafted a whole email explaining how I felt and why and decided to only send you a line in the end…I am learning to let go of what is really none of my business (in that case your reasons for your choice of actions).
 
It was good in a way that this happened (the question about reconciliation), it made me think about it and deal with it. Guess that’s the only reason why all I feel about us splitting up these days is sadness. But sadness is a good feeling really. It’s what you should be left with when you loose someone you love without having any control over it. I feel sad when I think about my cousin, my grandmother, my dog, my cat and others who have left my life whom I loved and I will never be with again. It’s an ok feeling really. It shows they meant something to me and it makes me appreciate those still in my life all the more. You meant a lot to me, and I am sorry I could never appreciate you, because of my issues that I hadn’t dealt with.
 
Looking back to be honest, what you did that night was the best thing you could have done for me. It’s made me re-assess my life big time, and now I have got rid of the addictions, I am slowly discovering who I am, and finding things to get involved in that really give me a lot of joy and enthusiasm and I am really quite excited to discover I actually have a good heart and able to find my own pleasures without relying on others or drugs/alcohol. 
 
I am also realising that the only person I can and should ever rely on is myself and it’s up to me to make sure my life is a good one. It is quite empowering. I don’t feel needy anymore, which always was a big problem of mine. Hard emotionally at times because I also have to deal with situations that need addressing (like changing existing friendships), but the end result always makes it worth it: not letting people with issues affect the way I feel and my life, yet keeping them in my life. But I am doing it with sympathetic and honest approach this time rather than brutal and judgemental. So far so good….because I don’t want to hurt anyone in that process, your happiness should never be at the cost of someone else’s. 
 
As I am changing for the better, so is my life. My relationship with people is improving every day, I no longer feel tortured or uncomfortable with some situations, as I am dealing with each as they arise. Even work is getting better every day, I don’t think I have ever been happy in a job before but I can sincerely say I am now, it is such a great feeling 🙂
 
Yes, life is getting better and better and I have you to thank for it….thank you 🙂 
 
x