I went out to a friend for dinner last night – she is truly one of my special friends too who I had forgotten to mention because our friendship is so easy, it’s like she is not there. Yet her and I have a very special connection and I feel utterly comfortable talking about anything and everything with her and even share my thoughts about stuff that happens in her life without fear of a negative reaction, it is pretty special.
When we were chatting yesterday I realised that the reason why I have disconnected so much and only let very little in my life these days is because I have been trying to cut down all the stress that was in my life.
Stress is a nasty evil of our society these days, mainly because most of it is avoidable, yet we are surrounded by it, and it takes over all of our time, emotions and makes us behave in strange ways. Would it be created by friends, family, work or even faith. There is seldom an area of life where it isn’t present. And unfortunately the more you have it, the less able you are to be balanced. You will react to it in negative ways, always, even with the positive stress, if there is enough of it. Positive stress is actually what led me to my psychosis.
At the time, I was feeling very happy and very positive, good things were happening to me all the time and it all became too much for me. They do say you can have too much of a good thing hey. And so all this grounded to a halt when I was taken to a mental health ward to “calm down”. It did me the world of good and I thoroughly enjoyed my stay. There was very little to do there, everything was taken care of for you, apart from your laundry – although they do offer some great activities too, such as cooking, the gym, art etc some of which I joined when I felt ready. The whole environment puts no pressure on you though and it gives you time to think and process. And this is also the reason why I stayed two weeks, when I could have been discharged sooner. I remember when I was discharged, one of the nurses I was saying goodbye to said “I don’t understand what you were doing here anyway”. Well I did. I needed that complete break from my world. I had become too stressed.
Thinking back, even my care co-ordinator said to me after an hour of chatting that her job would be to put the breaks on me. Luckily, she hasn’t needed to do that, because it seems I learned that lesson.
So since being back, I am now realising that I have reduced the stress in my life to a bare minimum, to the point it is now non-existent, apart from what “life throws at you”. And work.
Work is actually quite interesting. It is at the most stressful that we have ever known it – we are still shortstaffed and even more so these days as people are getting sick, while others have holidays to use up before Christmas all the while when more duties are being passed down to us from other teams, the abandoned calls rate has gone from under 5% to about 30%, which means there are always about 6 calls waiting – the board that display this information goes red when there are more than 3 calls waiting, not a calming colour. Luckily that board is behind me so I don’t get to see it – some of our customers even have to wait 30 minutes regularly – unheard of.
Yet I am managing to function well, still develop a good rapport with our customers, an even better ones as they are still friendly when we chat, despite the fact that they have waited so long to get an answer. The team is getting closer too, as “we are all in this together” and we do the best we can to still provide the best service possible.
With no stress in my life, I can handle the work stress, which is necessary as I need money to live. Again, luckily I love the job I do as I couldn’t do it under such stressful conditions, without a doubt.
I have a book I bought in Canada before I left two years ago, it’s called “Dance first, think later”. The irony is that it is 425 pages of quotes telling you how to be. So erm, kinda makes you think.
My eyes keep falling on this book recently and think about its message. And I have decided I don’t believe it’s right. By dancing first and thinking later, you are only pushing away the necessary to be able to dance. And this is the problem in this world, people would rather escape it than deal with their feelings and thoughts, and this avoidance creates more stress as the cycle continues.
I know some stress in life is unavoidable, however, most is. By disconnecting myself from everything, I can understand better how the unavoidable stress affects me and learn to deal with it.
And it seems it is working – what happened with my lodger earlier in the week would have in the past caused me a lot of stress, even reached for a beer or 4 or a bottle of wine, to “calm myself down”.
It only unsettled me the evening it happened, where I was trying to understand how it all went so wrong so quickly. I wasn’t surprised as I knew how messed up my lodger was and I had tried hard to accompany him on his self discovery journey, until he met my friend and everything went out of the window. He reverted back to what he does best, and that is to forget himself completely and throw himself into this new love interest with full gusto. Knowing that, it made it easier for me to deal with.
The following day, I was fine with what happened, understanding fully why it had and my job was to make both of them fine with it too, ultimately I wish nothing but happiness for either of them and they now know that. There are no hard feelings, everything is back to normal now. And I only managed that because I had no-one to tell me what to do or what to feel when it all happened, I had to draw into myself to find a way to deal with the situation. I was pretty pleased how it went.
Only by truly understanding who you truly are can you deal with upsetting situations. And to understand truly who you are, you need to have a break from the usual life stresses, and people, who give you most of the stress! Then, you can function well in reality and even better make a true difference to this world.
I have observed many awakened people go on retreats, some with monks, some drop everything they ever know and start a new life.
Well not this awakened one here. I actually love my little world, and the big wide world and I want to stay in it.
I made that decision during my psychosis weekend.
Something strange happened to me with my laptop and I was presented with options of what to do with it – I now realise it was something to do with my screen display, although I have no clue how the option came up (I am using Windows 8 which is a challenge!) but I have seen it come up since so I know it’s there somewhere.
Anyway, when the window came up, there were options concerning the display and little icons showing you the different options. I sat there for a while contemplating the options – to me, in my psychosis mode, the choices I was given were: “normal” (carry on my life as it was), alternate (change my current reality to a different one), dual (get another same reality and with a different chance) and a few other options along those lines – I sat there a while looking at the options, I eventually decided on one. The one I chose was “normal”.
Awakened people have this notion that something big is going to happen and most are waiting for “someone” to come and “save” this world and so it renders them powerless. They are filled with a sense of excitement but nothing much is happening and so they struggle to understand what is going on. They are in constant state of waiting, which really isn’t a nice feeling.
This awakened blogger here won’t be waiting for anything. She loves this world with a passion and won’t be waiting for anyone to “save us all”. The answers are within each of us to take responsibility for our impact on this world, our own personal impact, that no-one can tell you whether it is right or wrong, only you are the master of yourself. Once more and more people realise this, this world will be safe and a much better place to live.
My advice would be: get rid of all the stress you can, positive or negative, whilst still living in the normal world, and you will start to find your inner self. And that inner self will change you into the person you truly are. And you will find you are actually amazing. And amazing people can change the world 🙂